Vamp - Hire by Lee Hodkinson - Horror - Fret no more for a reasonable price we will get rid of that person you wish dead for you.We specialize in executing Lawyers, teachers,judges,cops and mother in laws. Contact VAMP-HIRE tonight, you won't be disappointed. 107 pages - pdf, format 8)

Congratulations on finishing your script.  I know -- we all know -- how much work and dedication it requires.  Kudos for that.  Nevertheless, I didn't make it two pages in before I quit.  This needs a lot of work.

Your slug lines are way overlong and contain details best left for action/narratives.  There are misspells, improper grammar, improper punctuaction and sections of action/narrative written all in caps.  And that was just the first page.  

When a reader opens your script, they expect that you already know format.  When they can see from the get-go that you don't, they naturally assume that if you didn't take the time to learn proper format, you probably didn't take the time to learn storytelling or structure, either.  And given that a lot of readers have a huge backlog of scripts to go through, most often than not they're looking for any reason they can find to not have to read through your entire script.  And you've already given them every reason they could ever ask for on the very first page.

Sorry I have no comments on your story itself, but like I said, you gave me every reason I could ask for to not read further.  But don't let this deter you.  Bone up on proper screenplay format.  Only when a reader isn't distracted by such errors will they be able to dig into your story.

Good luck.  Keep writing. :)

- Lon

Lon, you're right... I'm not going to read this either.

But I scrolled through and I have to say that Pages 89-90 made me smile with  the description and some of the dialogue.  

If this script didn't look like such an utter mess formatting wise, I'd probably take a stab at it.

Lee, read lots of scripts, read some articles, sites, books on formatting.

Learn about characters and structure.

Hi Lee. I sort of got a SWAT vibe from the small portion that I read of this one. So, that said, I recommend that you get that script in front of your face and read it. It may not have done well at the BO, but it's still a good and very descriptive script when you read it. Like the other guys said, your skills need some work, for sure. Good luck, Lee.