Disappointment by Cody Gill - Short - A no budget, boozy guy meets girl, girl loses guy, both are disappointed short.  4 pages - pdf, format 8)

What's up Cody,

I've never read 50 Shades, so I'm assuming you've used some dialogue from it.  I liked some of the dialogue, but it felt forced, which is probably a result of pulling it from 50 Shades.  I think it's good, but why set up shop in a bar?  I don't think I've ever seen anyone read a book at one.

I think I'll show my wife this just to see how she'll react to it. :)

Johnny

Hey Cody,

Don't think I've ever seen you around. Mind you, I've been away for some time, now so I may have missed you when you joined. Welcome to SS, either way.

I thought this one was interesting. By no means was it written badly, which is good to see. Where I struggle is with that logline, which to me, doesn't sell your concept or explain what is actually going on. Instead, you kinda ruin it by stating the conclusion in the logline. There are no surprises or anything like that. The script is literally just what it says in the logline. You say that both are disappointed, but why?

I'd be lying to you if I told you I knew exactly what was happening with this. The dialogue is confusing and somewhat weird. I get that he may be trying to pick this girl up, but most of what he is saying comes across as incredibly forced. Sorry, I wish I could say more. Sadly, this one doesn't really work for me.

Dan

Hey thanks for reading guys. What I wanted to do with this is just kind of dip my feet in the water by writing something short and simple. None of the dialogue is from 50 Shades Of Grey. I agree some of it does sound forced though. I think I probably should have put more effort in to it.

Welcome aboard,

Good call, I wish I would have kept mine short and sweet when I first joined up.  :-/

I'm incredibly shocked that this is not dialogue from the book!  I think you should use it because I thought she was reacting through the subtext of his knowledge of it.  Not interested, but the mention of 50 Shades gets her interested.  I think most women could be a bit bashful when a man asked them if they've read it, lol.

Sup Cody

I thought it was funny script

Thanks Ugo :)

Hey Cody,

I haven't seen you around so I'll keep it short. It wasn't a great start writing wise with an obvious mistake in the first sentence. No visual's going on whatsoever, just two talking heads which can work (sometimes) but the issue here was I had no idea what they were talking about. It was just weird.

Wasn't for me I'm afraid.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

P.S Welcome to the boards.

"It was just weird."

That works for me! I know this isn't great. I like "weird" though :)

Weird is good :)