Wickleshick by Lee Cordner (leegion) - Short, Horror - Jason searches for his friends whilst being hunted by a creature capable of utilizing the deepest fears of its prey. 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey leegion

I liked it. I liked how the you set up the pace of your story. It moved face because the action was face. Your descriptions were spot on as well as action, which kept me interested.

Not sure if the wickleshick is a creation of yours or some urban myth. But either way I liked it. I got this ferocious mutant bird of prey thing in my head while reading it.

Very cool.


What through me off a bit was how Jason kept referring to her as a women. I know the ending explains it transforming into our fears and such. But when you were describing the wickleshick at the cabin, you were describing some sort of beast..right? Not a women? And Jason was the only one in that scene.  And since we didn't see it as a women....the story raises questions. Which I thought would have been wrapped up at the end.

Is the WOMEN a manifestation of Jason's fears?

He has a fear of women?

Or is it the image of the wickleshick? Is the image of the wickleshick what it looks like in it's original for? Like the Djinn beast in Wishmaster. Whenever it transforms back, it has a default monstrous form... Maybe I missed something...

But all in all. The story was tight, face paced and not without a healthy dose of the gory.

Great job

Hey Reel,

Good question regarding the woman/beast thing.  It's both.  

The Wickleshick in Jason's fear-form was a woman covered in scaly skin (leprosy) and bird feathers, with clawed hands, so in that form she was both a woman and a beast.

In Emma's fear-form, the Wickleshick was somewhat of a spider-humanoid hybrid.

In Lisa's fear-form, the Wickleshick was a werewolf.

In our perception, the Wickleshick could be anything.  When it was in the woods, and its claw scraped the tree for example, it could be anything you fear the most.  

It kinda depends on imagination.  The Wickleshick is whatever the reader fears.

It is my own creation too, still working on its true base form.

Lee

Hey Lee,

I decided to give this one a go as I do love a good monster story. Also see you're from the tranquil little town Aldershot - I grew up in Guildford and have a few mates around that area.

Well, it had lots of action and gore with quite an interesting creature that morphs into peoples worst fears. Have I seen something like this before?

A few problems for me, the action is just so repetitive from start to finish - feels like I was reading the same scene over and over which meant the story didn't actually develop. Another side of this would be the characters - these stories are only as good as the characters and all of them fell flat here for me. I didn't care about any of them and with this coming in at 12 pages, you had more than enough space to give these characters some substance. Throwing the reader straight into the action is good but it means that we learn nothing about them - Jason keeps calling out for Grant but we never once get to see him and Lisa and Emma are dead pretty quick.

Another issue would be the location, I literally rolled my eyes at the first page - woods, cabin and a character running away scared from something scary. I would try to come up with something fresher and unique, even if it is just the location. The creature is good, a nice idea but like I say, these stories only work (most of the time) with good characters that reader's can relate to and follow in hopes that they'll survive at the end.

It also seemed like the pacing was all wrong - I would give this a slower start, intro the characters and throw out some mystery. Try and keep the creature under wraps until the final few pages and either have them camping or staying at a cabin. I was a little confused about that - why have a campsite and a cabin? I gather they were all together at the beginning? Obviously just an idea but to be honest, even that is quite cliched and that's the main problem with this kind of story - finding that new spin on the genre so it reads fresh and interesting.

At the moment, the start is a little confusing. Jason's running away scared, being chased I thought but once in the cabin, he's sitting down with a with a beer and cauterizing his cheek wound (really!?) with a fire crackling in the background. What happened to his urgency? Was he being chased? I would also consider changing the ending as I didn't care for the Wickleshick chomping on some eyeball soup and using fingers as dipping bread - this was very comedic, maybe playing homage to the dinner scene in Temple of Doom but it didn't fit in with what preceded it, while also making the creature less frightening and more funny.

The writing was okay, read very awkward in places and I wouldn't use words like "somewhat" or "some sort" which doesn't read good IMO. The main problem for me though was the repetition and this hurt the story because very scene read the same.

Examples:

"he looks over his shoulder"

"glances over his shoulder"

"He gazes over his shoulder"

All on the first page. There was quite a lot of looking over shoulder's going on.

Other things like: crumpled leaves, hills, slopes, branches and trees were just constant - maybe another problem with the location. Also didn't realize that rabbits were nocturnal.

I liked the idea behind the creature but I think you need to re-think the rest and try to put a new spin on this. Did the two damsels in distress have to be and I quote "a gorgeous, voluptuous would-be model" and "a stunner" Why did I waste my time in nightclubs and bars when all the bikini-clad models are out in the woods? ;D

Back on topic, think of a new approach and location, concentrate on the characters and add some conflict into their relationships so when the shit hits the fan with the Wickleshick, we actually care what happens to them. At the moment, I don't think there is anything new here, other than the creature and that means it came off tiresome I'm afraid to say.

On a brighter note, I did really enjoy the deaths of Emma and especially Jason - very gruesome.

Best of luck with it. :)

Steve

Lee,

A few notes as I go:

• Pg. 1  How do you show him heading east?  Is it important?
  
• Pg. 1  What water does Jason splash down into?  The way it's worded right now makes me think the water was mentioned before.
  
• Pg. 1  Which shoreline does Jason crawl onto?  The near shore or the far shore?
  
• Pg. 1  I don't like "LATER" as a mini slug.  If nothing else, use RAVINE as the mini slug.
  
• Pg. 1  "Jason, leg on the table, wraps his knee with very poorly with a bandage."  Proofread.
  
• Pg. 1  Where did the beer and arrow come from?  Is this his cabin?  The cabin has beer and arrows but not a first aid kit?
  
• Pg. 2  I didn't get the impression that the wound on Jason's face was bad enough to need to cauterize it.  Make the cut seem worse on page 1.
  
• Pg. 2  You go from Jason cauterizing his cheek, then back to his leg.  It reads awkwardly.
  
• Pg. 2  I'd introduce the bow and the quiver at the same time.
  
• Pg. 3  What archway does he face?  Is the Wickleshick inside now?  I'm confused.
  

I'll have to finish this in the morning.

Jordan

Thanks guys,

I see where the problems lie, characters and setting, etc.  That's where most of my shorts fall flat as it gives me no time to develop them (I'm one of those long-term writers).  Might transform this into a feature length script, as it was the initial plan.

Will attempt to fix up the writing too, keep changing my style, using the same terms, need to shake things up a bit.

Lee

Hey Lee, thought I'd give this a look, as I too love a good monster story.

Page 1 - Your opening "OVER BLACK:" isn't going to be a sound that basically anyone will be able to make out, IMO.  Not sure why you'd want to open this way.

"EXT. WOODS" - Uh oh...pretty cliche opening Slug.

"JASON (17) a dashing kid, hoodie, cuts and scrapes across his face, runs for his life." - This is an awkward intro, and just not the way you want to get started.  Check this out - when you use parentheses around a character's age, it doesn't mean you just omit a comma when it's necessary.  Read this out loud and see if you can tell what's wrong with it, as written.

In reality, the entire first page is awkwardly written and worded.  ZERO visual writing here, and it relaly all started with the poor opening Slug.  Lots of repetition going on on with looking over his shoulder.  Impossible to know what his injuries are, or the extent of them.

And now we go "INT. CABIN"?  Really?  I'm wondering if this is a spoof or pisser?  OK< we'll see.  I may put my comments on hold and just try to read through this...

Beer and an arrow in this cabin?  Who's cabin is it?  What's going on?  Why is this guy out in these woods and in this cabin at night?

Page 2 - Argh...Lee...things are not improving, sorry to say.

"A pair of cold white eyes stare at the cabin as a claw scrapes bark from the tree trunk." - Various issues in this line.  Check this out - based on how you wrote this, you're basically requesting a shot of these "cold white eyes" staring, then a shot of the cabin, followed by a shot of a claw scraping bark off a tree - 3 shots...3 separate shots.  Finally, when you use "the", you're inferring that we are familiar with whatever it is you're referencing - in this case, a tree trunk, which is not correct, obviously.

A "sports bow" in a backpack?  Is this backpack just sitting in this cabin?

Pag3 - WTF?  Jason purposely destroys his phone?  Why in the world would he do such a stupic thing?

ORPHAN ALERT!!!!  ORPHAN ALERT!!!!  Orphans seen running rampant everywhere!!!

Page 5 - Emma's intro is again, not good, my friend.  "gorgeous, voluptuous would be model"?  Really?  No...

Sorry, Lee, but I can't go any further.  This is poorly and awkwardly written.  It's totally cliche and I can't picture anything, based on the writing.  I don't mean to be harsh.  Sorry.

Hey Jeff,

I get your point, bud.  This sucks.

I am attempting to achieve a better writing style with an upcoming feature, I tried the short visual writing in Fracture but hardly anyone read it.

My depictions of characters also, will no longer be fully describing them.

Lee

(CONT'D)

• Pg. 4  You have "(quietly)" but then you end the dialogue with an exclamation point.  Those are contradictory.
  
• Pg. 8  You set the scene inside a cave yet you don't indicate how it's illuminated.  Inside a cave without a light source, all you see is black.
  
• Pg. 10  Jason gets into the cave without a problem and he and Lisa get out of the cave without any problems at all?  That's a missed opportunity for some conflict.
  
• Pg. 12  What does a "weird transformation vibe" look or sound like?
  
• Pg. 12  If the Wickleshick transforms from one form to the other, how do Lisa and Jason see it as different things at the same time earlier in the script?
  

I didn't like this one.  There were too many holes in the story and it wasn't clear what was happening all the time.

There is potential for a good story here, but it needs a lot of work.

Jordan

Quoted from Nomad (CONT'D) Pg. 4  You have "(quietly)" but then you end the dialogue with an exclamation point.  Those are contradictory. Pg. 8  You set the scene inside a cave yet you don't indicate how it's illuminated.  Inside a cave without a light source, all you see is black. Pg. 10  Jason gets into the cave without a problem and he and Lisa get out of the cave without any problems at all?  That's a missed opportunity for some conflict. Pg. 12  What does a "weird transformation vibe" look or sound like? Pg. 12  If the Wickleshick transforms from one form to the other, how do Lisa and Jason see it as different things at the same time earlier in the script? I didn't like this one.  There were too many holes in the story and it wasn't clear what was happening all the time. There is potential for a good story here, but it needs a lot of work. Jordan

That's the problem with my shorts, I have trouble getting the point across.

I'll turn this into a feature, spread it out, make it more than it is (it was 3 in the morning when I wrote it and it shows).

The whole "see it as different things" thing that is going on is perception.  But it does need more development.

I don't like this one either, and I wrote it, wanted a creature feature ended with a rotten stinker.

Every writer has a bad story, this was mine.

I'll be substituting the woods for a city when I write the feature in September.

Lee, it's not that this is a stinker, but there are just obvious glaring issues, and the fact that it's quickly written is also obvious.

IMO, you need to take your time (as I've said before)) with planning out any script, short or feature.  ANd that includes time for the planning/etc, as well as the actual writing.

I stopped after about 6 pages or so.  There was ZERO character development up to that point.  Not a single character said a single thing that made them stand out or showed any signs of life.  Actually, why don't you look at the dialogue and see what I mean.

Through the opening 6 pages, no character says anything otehr than very generic, dull statements that could be inserted in any one of a thousand cliche horror movies/scripts.  That's never going to work.

Your characters have to have character.  They have to life, and your readers have to be able to relate to them.

That's what I'd focus on if I were you.  Hope this helps.

Quoted from Dreamscale Lee, it's not that this is a stinker, but there are just obvious glaring issues, and the fact that it's quickly written is also obvious. IMO, you need to take your time (as I've said before)) with planning out any script, short or feature.  ANd that includes time for the planning/etc, as well as the actual writing. I stopped after about 6 pages or so.  There was ZERO character development up to that point.  Not a single character said a single thing that made them stand out or showed any signs of life.  Actually, why don't you look at the dialogue and see what I mean. Through the opening 6 pages, no character says anything otehr than very generic, dull statements that could be inserted in any one of a thousand cliche horror movies/scripts.  That's never going to work. Your characters have to have character.  They have to life, and your readers have to be able to relate to them. That's what I'd focus on if I were you.  Hope this helps.

Definitely, man.

The dialogue here, frankly, sucks balls.  I know that.

Character development too, in a feature you expect it to proceed slowly, but in a short things need to be more strict.

I wrote this without even planning it ahead.  Usually, I take 2 weeks to work on characters, a further 3 days to create a world and then a week to devise a good story, once all that's done I leave it for a month so I can develop it in my head.

Here, I had an idea for something one minute, wrote it the next and just uploaded it.

I have the story down "teens fight a creature that takes on their deepest fears" but it still needs a month to mature into something I can work with.

For now, I'll continue Avenger (which too, doesn't have much dialogue in the opening, as it's quite a dreary opening sequence where the actions speak louder), when this has matured I'll return to it.

Thanks for the help, Jeff.

Much appeciated, man.

Lee

Nothing wrong with character development. But... This is a SHORT, so I don’t think one can expect too much in regards to this.

Just my thoughts...

Quoted from 000 This is a SHORT, so I don’t think one can expect too much in regards to this.

I used to feel the same way, that shorts were just scenes that didn't need to have that much meaning.  

I've come to realize that shorts can be just as powerful as features.  They need a beginning, middle, end.  They need character arcs, a climax, a resolution.  A message.

Just because they're shorts, doesn't mean we shouldn't expect much.

Jordan

Quoted from Nomad They need character arcs, a climax, a resolution.  A message.Jordan

Character arcs?  LOL!!!!  Do we ever really need character arcs?   ;D ;D ;D

Quoted from Dreamscale Character arcs?  LOL!!!!  Do we ever really need character arcs?   ;D ;D ;D

Sure we do, Jeff.  Character arcs show how people grow.  

Let's take you for instance.  You used to be a boisterous, arrogant, German digestif swilling, ski bum.  And now you're...well...you're....  Okay maybe you're a bad example, but I'm pretty sure character arcs are important.

Jordan

Quoted from Nomad Sure we do, Jeff.  Character arcs show how people grow.   Let's take you for instance.  You used to be a boisterous, arrogant, German digestif swilling, ski bum.  And now you're...well...you're....  Okay maybe you're a bad example, but I'm pretty sure character arcs are important. Jordan

Nice one, Jordan!  LOL...

But I haven't skied in a couple seasons...does that count?

Character arcs are extremely important in my eyes.  As the writer of this failed, albeit "potentially good" story, I fell flat on my face because I wrote this 10 minutes after thinking about it.

Give this a few months, then I'll likely write the feature.

In regards to Character Arcs, my latest: Avenger, has a solid cast of characters, each of whom develops:

Andrew - Angry young man driven by revenge to watchful guardian driven by justice.
Steve - Faithful servant in the Sharp household to Andrew's new father figure.
Frank - Stressed detective hunting his wife's killer to protective father.
Allie - Shy and innocent high school prom queen to a heartfelt love interest.
Grace - Unwelcomed at first, but becomes a part of Frank's life in a caring way.

Just to name a small few of the amount in the script (think there's 30 or so, half of which don't talk and are just there).

17 are important, 8 are main, 9 are supporting.

And each character has their moment in the sun.  Hence my point:  Everyone is developed.  Even the dead people.

Without Character Arcs, this would be another run-of-the-mill attempted superhero flopbuster.

Lee

Guys, just to be clear, I'm mostly joking about the character arcs.  I understand their value, but the level of importance some people put on them makes me laugh, as it's one of those Blake Snyder/guru things that people glam onto, look for, and think must always be heavily stressed - to whoch I dio not agree.

It depends alot on the genre and how important the characters are to the story.

Understand that in most horror scripts, character arc is far from imporant.

That;s not to say that character in your characters isn't always super important.

Make sense?

I know you're joking, lol.

Just putting my point across too, I find character arcs the most important thing in any story.

Even in a horror story, you still need to care for the characters that are getting butchered. Otherwise, you may as well not write it.

That's my two cents anyway.

Quoted from Leegion Even in a horror story, you still need to care for the characters that are getting butchered. Otherwise, you may as well not write it. That's my two cents anyway.

I hear you, but IMO, character arcs are now what make one care about characters,  The characters have to have character - that's what makes one take interest in a character.

Quoted from Dreamscale I hear you, but IMO, character arcs are now what make one care about characters,  The characters have to have character - that's what makes one take interest in a character.

That's kinda what I was saying, haha.

Character arcs ARE the most important thing in writing.  The story is second.  You can have a great story, but if the characters suck you've good more substance over matter.