Balls Out by Tim Westland - Short - Legendary Surfing Pioneer, Mick "Balls Out" Shelly, hasn't hit the waves in over five decades. But an opportunity to reclaim the spotlight takes Mick and three people from his past on a trip down memory lane that none of them is likely to soon forget. 17 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Tim,

I thought your work here was written well, which helps because of it's a documentary.  I've never heard of Mick Shelly, I'm guessing he's fictitious.  I had a few chuckles from it, but its got heart and I really enjoyed the ending.

Good to see Kelly Slater make a return to his acting career since Baywatch.

It lacks some depth in a few areas with other characters, kind of felt like fillers.

Also, Mick forced to be the best surfer because he didn't know how to swim was great.  I liked how he "borrowed" boards.

Some of this lost me at times, but the story moved at a pace the grabbed me back in.  I did like the reaction of his friends and family when they didn't know he was going back out again.  A martyr for the culture of surfing for a ridiculous stunt?  Maybe a tad bit unbelievable, but it worked.

Overall, excellent job!

Johnny

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Tim,

I liked this.  Some colourful characters and a degree of poignancy in the end lend this some heart.  I’m a fan of the faux documentary style; done right you can have a lot of fun with it and I think it works well for shorts.  Though tightly written at 16 pages it felt a tad long for what it is -- perhaps a little fat to trim here and there?

Banned from competitive surfing for life?  Not a huge issue given the spirit of the piece -- but would that even be enforceable?  Maybe from the pro-circuit?

Pity you couldn’t somehow show us the infamous ‘balls out’ moment -- I don’t mean in graphic detail -- perhaps somebody digs out an old photo of Mike, his back to the camera, mid-deed and a crowd reaction shot...  It’s a funny moment and I felt it should have something visual to back it up.

Steve.

Hi Tim

That was a nice tale, well written. The descriptions were spot on and I understood clearly what was going on, I could visualise the beaches, the waves and the surfing. From the first page to the last I read it and enjoyed doing so.

However upon reflection there’s a few elements of the story that don’t add up. (Spoilers ahead)  I didn’t buy it that Mick couldn’t swim. You can’t possible learn how to surf without falling in the water at least once. If you want Mick not to be able to swim then he needs to be a real quirky character and always wear armbands or some other swimming aid device. It could help with the crazy legend and at the end all the surfers paying him respect could wear similar items.

His trick of stealing someone’s surfboard is unique and I do like it but after he does it the first time people would be on guard and he would be too well known to get away with it again. All it takes to make this believable is to add a bit more to the story explaining how it quickly became a bit of a status symbol if Mick stole your board, so people were lining up on the beach and leaving their boards unguarded deliberately. You could also add about some copycat wannabe surfers who tried to become the next Mick but either crashed and burned in the sea or got caught trying to steal surfboards.

I also don’t believe at all his entire career was destroyed by him dropping his pants. A stunt like that among surfers must be as common as eating a meal and we wouldn’t have many professional surfers in action if they were all well behaved respectful young men. It’s extreme to say the least to say a judge would ban him for life, even back in those days. Young men did what young me always do and that is stupid things.

This is a documentary, yet it is surprisingly thin on detail or depth. It focuses on the beginning and the end of the legend very quickly with not much of a backstory or any real nuggets of information of Mick and his story.

I do like this though, I think it just needs some work and fleshing out more. Good job!

Mark

Quoted from MarkRenshaw I didn’t buy it that Mick couldn’t swim. You can’t possible learn how to surf without falling in the water at least once. If you want Mick not to be able to swim then he needs to be a real quirky character and always wear armbands or some other swimming aid device.

I'll disagree, I thought it was a strong character element.  He takes his greatest weakness and wields it into a legendary strength, simply because he must -- to fulfill his desire.  Although, the armbands would be funny.  ;D


Hey Tim, where ya at?  I know I've seen your name floating around here a few times somewhere...I'm curious for your take on it.  It's quite the good story.

Hey all... wanted to reply earlier but couldn't seem to register. That's been sorted, so I can finally respond.

First - thank you for the kind words about the script.

Balls Out was my entry in the first round of the NYMM 15 page contest. They give you two prompts you have to write to. Mine were: Surfing and Mockumentary. The contest gives you 7 days to finish and submit. Happily, I came in first with this and still consider it my favorite script.

It's been years since I wrote it and I certain I could improve on it... especially now that I don't have a page limit for it.

Johnny, you hit the nail on the head and I couldn't describe it more concisely if I tried.

As to the reality of the situation (can someone be barred from competition, would someone be a great surfer without being able to swim, etc... well... it is  mockumentary and requires a suspension of disbelief.

If I ever rewrite it, I will absolutely consider putting water wings on Mick. Hilarious!

And Johnny - my name is floating around here? I performed a search and can't find it. Weird.  I'm in SoCal, too. Orange County.

Thanks again, all, for taking the time to read.

Oh... and Hi Marnie... my NYMM buddy/nemesis/friend !!!

Given that this was a NYMM script, I can let some problems with the script go (it seemed to drag on a bit).  I thought that, for a mockumentary, the visuals were lacking.  You were showing too many old people and not enough surfing, IMHO.  How about some re-enactments?

With the competition over, now you can work on this script again and tighten it up.


Phil

Hey Phil...

This was my first script in a competition and is a tad flabby. But the story is as much about the old folks as it is Mick. So that's why there is so much of them.

If I ever do a rewrite, I would absolutely add more visuals and surfing shots.

Thanks for reading and providing thoughts and comments. I appreciate it.

Tim

As you wrote this for the NYMM, I thought you should know that on these boards, we do what's known as One Week Challenges (OWC).  It's based on the NYMM competition.  

A couple of time a year, we announce a genre and theme and give people  week to right a scripts.  No prizes, but no entry fees.  And a few have been produced.

The next one should be in about four or five weeks:  the Halloween challenge.  It's presumably the most popular challenge.


Phil

Hey Thanks, Phil.

I'm one of the Moderators on the MoviePoet website and believe in helping other people on their writing journey, so your help is very much appreciated.

I'll be coming here more and more often as I intend to finally attempt to promote my work in the wider world.

Check out:  http://www.fortunemoon.com for more info on me (if you have the time/inclination, of course - grin)

Quoted from TimWestland I'm one of the Moderators on the MoviePoet website and believe in helping other people on their writing journey, so your help is very much appreciated.

Yeah, I wander on to MP every now and then, that's probably where I saw your name.

Welcome aboard, look forward to checking out more of your stuff.  I've been in San Diego for a year and still trying to get used to all of this nice weather lol.

I didn't realise it was a Mockumentary, that explains a lot and you wrote that in 7 days, impressive. There's a lot of heart in that script and I think it would work well if produced, it may be worth dusting it off and doing that re-write then trying to promote it.

Thanks, Mark. I would love to have this filmed. Much of it would be fairly cheap... lots of interviewing of old folks, after all. The problems scene is the surfing competition and the "last and final wave for Mick" effect.

I have a buddy who has written/directed three features and I'm finally planning and seeing if he's interested. Gotta go through it and dust it off first, as you said.