The Anderson File by Lee Hurwitz - Short, Comedy - Faced with an impossible work deadline, a man gets distracted trying to figure out which of his co-workers keeps stealing his lunch. 30 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi everyone,

I'm the writer of this script. This is my first time posting work to this site and I'm looking forward to getting involved in the community. Any feedback would be much appreciated.

Best,
Lee

Hi Lee,

will give this one a read - I'm probably wrong but it strikes me like a type of George Costanza storyline.

be in touch in a couple of days

James

Lee,

I finished reading your script and the main problem I see is that you overwrite your action lines.

For instance you wrote:

"Rick pulls a huge folder off a rack on the desk. It bulges with so many papers that Rick has trouble getting it out, but he finally manages to shimmy it free. He holds it out for Sid, who reluctantly takes it."

Which could be written:

Rick struggles to free a bulging folder from a rack and hands it to Sid, who reluctantly takes it.

There are some formatting faux pas, such as not having "FADE IN:" on your first page and having huge blocks of text.  

I'm not one to bash anyone over formatting, so I don't find these to be grievous errors, but there are others who won't read your script if they see this.

The story takes a strange turn when Sid and Marvin try to dump the body, so I'm not sure if that part is needed.

You do write dialogue pretty well and you have some humorous moments throughout, but there wasn't anything that made me laugh out loud.  I also needed to find out who was taking Sid's lunches, so thanks for that.

If you tightened up the writing, you could cut a lot of pages from this which would make it a faster and more enjoyable read.

Welcome to Simply Scripts.

Jordan

Thanks for reading, Jordan. Point taken on reducing action lines, that's good advice. I could use some work in that area.

Curious why in your eyes is not having "fade in" a faux pas? It's not something I've ever known to be vital in the intro to a script, unless you specifically would like the editor to fade in. Any other opinions on this?

I feel that the dumping of the body is a pretty necessary element to illustrate how far the stolen lunch situation has escalated. And without that scene, the climax in the office couldn't happen.

Overall, I agree that it could be tightened. Some parts do feel clunky.

Appreciate your insight, thanks for reading!

Lee, in theory, at least, all scripts should start with a FADE IN, left aligned.  It's just the way it is.  It signals the start of the script.  No reason not to do it.

You'd be surprised how simple ommissions like mthis will raise red flags and the reader will be on the lookout for more issues.

Again, my adivce is just do it and by doing it, avoid any and all red flags, especially at the very start of your scipt.

Hi Lee,

In view of the comments already made I'll just say what impressed me the most about this script - Moe. I think you've got a great comic creation here - although he needs to be used sparingly.

Overall I liked this one. I laughed at the Moe parts and gave chuckled a little at the Sid/ Pearl miscommunication.

I also liked the ending, leaving the food stealing Rick wondering if he’s been poisoned.

best of luck with this one

James