Rickev & Amos by Robert Saldivar - Short - Set in the future in a new Earth. A Couple of pirates, Rickev & his brother Amos, are out looking for a LOOT. pdf. (12 Pages) - pdf, format 8)

There were plenty of things wrong with this script but ultimately it was entertaining.  

Once I read the line, "That’s all you got? Your daughter was rougher with me last night.", I knew I had to finish the script.

The whole script could be tightened up to be a very entertaining intro to a feature.

I look forward to hearing from the writer.

Jordan

thank you for taking your time to read it. This was my first attempt at writing a screenplay that is why I thought I would start with a short. I knew there would be a lot of mistakes and I'm open for any advice. :)

Hey Robert, I saw that you're around, so I gave this a read.

For a first script it's definitely promising. Overall you have an okay grasp of format, and you have some good lines here. It's also pretty entertaining.

There are some issues, but they're small things that you can easily clean up.

Some things I noticed:

FADE IN always goes to the left. Some software puts it to the right, but that's not correct.

Write character names in ALL CAPS when they first appear on screen. Here you introduce Amos as "young man", but don't properly intro him until the next line.

So, "A young man is tied up to a chair... This is AMOS" should be "AMOS is tied up in a chair".

Sometimes you didn't intro characters at all. Like the gangsters in the garage.

Overall the writing isn't bad, IMO, but it is a little passive here and there. It's best to keep verbs active (especially in screenwriting). But, action lines aren't one of my strong points so you'll probably get more help from other users.

Keep sluglines consistent. I noticed one time you used "INT/EXT" but next time you wrote it as "I/E".

Couple typos throughout, so read extra carefully or get somebody else to look over it next time. A few times you left out an apostrophe in "it's" and once you said "single handily", which should be "handedly".

And get rid of that last blank page.

So yeah, overall a nice effort for a first short. My only complaint story-wise is that things moved so fast I had trouble following what was going on sometimes. It's almost link a chunk out of a feature film condensed into 12 pages.

Give some feedback on other stuff around here to get more reads in return. Quid pro quo. It's also a great way to improve your own work.

Hope this helps.

Will

Thank you so much for your review. It was very helpful. I've done a lot of reading n this website prior to starting to write my own and I plan to continue reading and taking advice from you and the more advanced screenplay writers :)

I know the script probably was a bit passive. I have the tendency to do it without even noticing it. I'm working on it though. I will continue to read and study these scripts on here and continue to grow as a writer.