Sleepless Forest by Brandon Boynton (vermen1) - Short, Horror - Minors, after committing horrific crimes, are given another opportunity at redemption if they survive the Sleepless Forest. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Brandon, dude, go easy on the camera directions. Not only is 50% of this script in ALL CAPS, but it's impossible to get into the story when you constantly remind us we're just reading a blueprint.

Unless you're planing on directing this yourself, it's best to leave out the camera angles. Write the story and spend your time telling it well, rather than figuring out every single shot (which a director will most likely ignore and shoot however they want.)

You have a lot of technical notes -- some aren't even correct -- that are best left out of screenplays. My best advice is to research screenplay format online and read some pro scripts for a better idea of how to do it. And spend more time telling a good story.

I'm gonna keep this brief for now. Sorry if it comes across as harsh. Take care.

Will

Hey Brandon,

Tried to give this one a read, as I liked the sound of the concept. And I'm sorry to say this, but I had to stop after two pages, as it was a real struggle to read.

Now, as someone who has dabbled in a bit of directing, I really don't mind the odd camera angle here and there (although, there normally is a way to describe the camera angle, without explicitly stating that it's a CU, POV shot, etc.).

But what really got me was the abundance of capital letters (it really defeats the object of using caps if you use them this much), the lack of slugs, the bizarre technical specs, a character's dialogue which is all action, and a lack of clarity throughout.

As Crooked suggested, read some pro scripts (and amateur ones posted on here by writers who know what they're doing) to see how to correctly format a screenplay.

Then once you've got that down, give this baby a rewrite!

All the best,

Toby.

Well, forget the formatting, which is really off-putting. I found the story to be kind of a let down.  So many questions.  First, what is A.R. 637?  Is that a time in the future, in the past, in some other third world or parallel universe?  But they have courts and squad cars there?  Why not just make it present time then?  Nothing wrong with having a magical forest in present time, as long as it's interesting.

Here, it's just not interesting.  Nothing really happens to her. She can't sleep, or she dies (OOPS-SPOILER ALERT!).  That was essentially the story.  She makes it out of the forest after three days (OOPS!--ANOTHER SPOILER). So for killing her family, she gets three days in a forest where nothing happens to her.  Where do I sign up for this place?

Read some other screenplays and look into some formatting software--you can get Trelby or Celtx free on the interwebs--and cut down on those camera directions, and keep writing.  Good luck!

Gary