Old Cyrus by James McCormick - Short, Fantasy - An old man is promised youth and his old love back but begins to suspect this supernatural deal might have some serious strings attached. 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi James, thanks for your script.

1) Title: I think your title could use a face lift to make it a little more appealing to the reader. I chose to read your script because it was new and the theme seemed interesting.

2) Dialogue: I liked your dialogue. It became a little wordy at times, but I think you manage to create two distinct voices which is hard thing to do. IMO I think the dialogue was the best aspect of your story.

3) Story: Your story was a little thin on drama, and that unfortunately made it kind of hard to read. I personally don't find stories with two talking heads very interesting. I like to see things happen as oppose to hear it happen. But that is my personal preference.

You do have theme going, Evil  masquerading as a genie trying to fool a hick, but neither character I felt was compelling to hold my attention for very long.

4) Cyrus: He came across as a stereotype: A red neck, bible reading hick who doesn't seem to care what is going on in the world accept for of course the bible.

I was also surprised that Cyrus as old as he was, never heard of a genie. That was a bit unbelievable. It also brought Cyrus down a few more notches as a protagonist I cared about.

I understand there is probably a nugget of truth to that character type, but what's compelling about Cyrus as a person?


5) Genie:  As a character I had this lingering thought. If Cyrus didn't know what a Genie was, why would the Devil appear to Cyrus as a Genie? Why wouldn't the Devil appear to Cyrus as something that he could relate to like an Angel or even May?

Cyrus is not an intelligent man if he never heard of a Genie, which maybe why the Devil in your story thought he could convince him to sell his soul, but it just didn't feel accurate what the biblical Devil would do or should I say can do.

The most powerful Angel  God ever created who's sole occupation before his fall was to be the accuser of mankind before God, needed a contract to win some one's soul?

And he didn't know that Cyrus being the bible hick he was would not be distrustful of contracts? This to me would be the obvious thing that Satan would try to avoid. Contracts are never a good thing.

For that reason I found that device to be awkward. If the Devil wanted to take some one's soul all he had to do was make the person turn his back on God. The book of Job for example is the most famous story of the Devil trying to cause the fall of of a righteous man.

But was Cyrus a righteous man? Sure he knew the bible, but knowing the bible doesn't make one righteous.

Now if you made Cyrus a righteous person than I could see why the Devil would go to the trouble to win his soul.

So even the Antagonist came across unintelligent and weak.

6) The ending: I liked the idea that death was Cyrus's reward. Although I had wished he had beat the Devil by the goodness of his own convictions instead of the bible.


Overall I wanted to like the story, but I felt it suffered from weak characters.

James,

An interesting take on the old 'deal with the devil' tale -- though I wasn’t sure if the premise lent itself more towards comedy.  The idea of the Devil masquerading as a genie feels tricky to play straight and though there were some lighter moments in the dialogue I do wonder if you could have more fun with it.

I do think the lamp angle needs work to make it ‘fit’.  Where did it come from?  It felt forced and out of context.  Why not an antiques dealer rather a general goods store (unless that means something different in the US?)

Cyrus’s death also felt a bit tacked on.  I think along with the lamp this could do with a better set-up to tie with the appearance of the Devil and give this story some grounding.  Perhaps the character of the Woman could be used in some way to achieve this?

Minor niggle on p.1 ‘...puts it aside and reaches down for it.’  Consider revising this, it wasn’t clear at first that he was putting down the beer and reaching for the lamp.

Hope this helps.

Steve.

James,

This started out a little rough but once the dialogue kicked in, it flowed a lot better.

::SPOILERS::
The only question I have is who the woman is at the end.  I'm guessing it's an angel, but then why doesn't she know that Cyrus is dead?  I wish it was a little more clear.

A few notes as I go:

• Pg. 1  Your opening line, "It's a hot, dog day afternoon.", doesn't show me anything.  How do I know it's hot?  Is there a thermometer that reads 100 degrees?  Is there heat shimmer rising from the road?  Start with something visual.  Your slug says it's a Mom and Pop store, so describe it a little along with the weather.
  
• Pg. 1  You have a lot of Orphans in your action lines and dialogue.  
  
• Pg. 1  The line, "He drains the bottle of beer, puts it aside and reaches down for it."  You have "it" twice which makes it confusing to know what "it" is.  Is "it" the beer or is "it" the lamp?
  
• Pg. 2  The line, "Where on Earth did this guy come from?", isn't necessary.  We know that Cyrus has a bewildered look on his face.
  
• Pg. 2  The Stranger should have a name.
  
• Pg. 2  Your characters definitely have two distinct voices.  Nicely done.
  
• Pg. 2  Cyrus' line, "So, what does bring you here, if you don't mind me asking?" sounds out of character.  I picture him saying something like, "So, what brings ya here, if ya don't mind my askin'?"
  
• Pg. 10  Cyrus' line, "Nope, reckon I’ d be plumb crazy to accept it.", would sound better as, "Mister, I reckon I'd be plumb crazy to do otherwise."
  
• Pg. 11  Cyrus' line, "Don't reckon I will." could simply be one word, "Perhaps."
  

::END SPOILERS::

I like your choice of the name Cyrus.  It adds a hint of Persia to the story.  I just wish the Stranger had a name.

In the end, this was a fun little tale.

Jordan

thanks for such detailed feedback, very much appreciated.

I was actually quite proud of this one so the criticisms - very valid, constructive and helpful ones :-) -  came as something of a surprise to be honest. Thanks Jordan, if it wasn't for your comments I would have despaired of this one entirely.

I  like the idea making him an antiques dealer so maybe I'll try to rework this one.

thanks again

James

Always take peoples comments with a grain of salt, but don't discredit readers who spent the time and effort to give you feedback on your work. Take the good with the bad.

It's a cliché but you will always learn more from the people who didn't like your work than from the people who did.

I agree, thanks - I've learnt an incredible amount from this site already- in just a few  short months.