San Diego Criminal by Emanuel Farhi - Drama, Crime - The aftermath of an armed bank robbery is not what was planned when cops and criminals get involved. - pdf, format 8)

Hello Emanuel,

Welcome to SS. I saw you read two others and requested a read back. Those who read other criptz deserve a read back BUT...this is 88 pages. The script Adam was only 8. Now I'm not knocking you reading a short just don't expect a feature read in return.

I will give you five pages...unless I'm hooked of course.

Let's see...

Logline - now I'm not the best a these but whilst it is crisp it does lack some depth or intrigue for me. Just saying.

Script

Ok, before we even start the numbering you have is often for shooting scripts so 'in general'  best avoided for what we call spec scripts.
Next I have an eight line para -  again 'in general' don't go above four, I prefer three max and only then infrequently. I am sure you can point to a Hollywood produced writer who does, but for the rest of the world keep it lean.
We see. - again best to avoid, you just ned to write what we would see. So NICK and RAY...which leads me to...
You don't introduce the characters. T d this use CAPS just the first time. I think should also age them. Are they 7 or 77?
They are each very tense. Could be ...They are tense. Brevity is SOOO important with scripts.
'In general avoid, or limit ing ending words' - so you have them Pacing then Carrying. When it could they pace , they carry

Example sentence to study

When we look at the entrance to the bank , we see a policeman with a gun pointed at Sam, the other bank robber and a riffle pointed at Nick and Reagan.

Who are Reagan and Sam?

Anyway this could be

A POLICEMAN stands in the doorway, gun trained on SAM, 35, and REAGAN, 25.   Just an example, but it's crisp .

Sorry didn't get past the first page, partially because its my dinner and i've run out of time, and partially because there is alot to tidy up.

So, lots and lots to deal with, but that's easy to fix. The frustration you will have is no one gets into your story, but that's because there are too many script writing hurdles in the way. Once clean that will happen.

SS is an excellent place to learn, just read, review, don't be afraid to be honest and take part.

All the best

Hey Emanuel.

Like Reef Dreamer, I like seeing new members tackle scripts so I gave this one a look.

Voice overs are a touchy subject as sometimes they can really liven up a scene but many times they come off as cliche and unnecessary.  Unfortunately yours struck me as the latter.  I would ax it but that's just a suggestion.

You're out the gate with some repetitive words in your opening scene.  "THEY ARE EACH tense...THEY ARE EACH pacing...THEY ARE EACH carrying two duffel bags..."  These sentences are back to back and it sticks out like a sore thumb.  Rework this opening paragraph so that it keeps the feeling without being so bulky.

One thing you can do with bulky paragraphs is break them up into smaller chunks, each with their own little purpose.  The first could be a brief description of the bank and the hostages on the ground.  The second could be Nick and Ray pacing around, rattled and tense.  The third could be the policeman with the gun on Sam.  These would be smaller bites and present themselves in a much more organized manner than clumping them all together.

I'm confused as to who's pointing guns at who.  The policeman has a gun on Sam, one of the robbers and a rifle (grabbed from Sam, I assume) pointed at Nick and Reagan.  So Nick and Ray are armed but are they pointing guns at the policeman?  If not then I'm sure that one of the hostages can call for help as the policeman would have the drop on all of them.  Some clarification is needed...or maybe I'm missing something.

Jerry's description goes on a bit too long for me.  Does his facial hair or the fact that he's six feet tall really impact the story?  If not then shorten it up and reveal it later if necessary.  This is a high intensity scene and a lot of needless description can slow the read down and consequentially kill the urgency and tension you're looking to build.

The "INTERCUT" should be capitalized.  I suggest staying away from these little tricks unless absolutely necessary as they tend to disrupt the illusion of the story IMO.

I'm surprised that Nick was able to run to the back without any threat from the policeman.  Maybe Reagan and Ray have the drop on the policeman but I'm not sure.

An entire page of dialogue without a single line of action.  Again, ruining the urgency if their's a policeman pointing a gun at one of your henchmen and you're characters are playing the blame game in the other room.  Nick has to be doing something in the bank office.  Dialogue shouldn't be the driving force of your script.  Film is a visual medium which relies on imagery.  You have to show some dynamics and movement in your scenes or they end up like phone conversations which really hurts the story.

One thing I like to do after reading the first couple of pages is look back and really analyze what's happened thus far.  So we have a few bank robbers pacing around as a cop holds one of their fellow bank robbers hostage and has a gun pointed at them.  Jerry's waiting in the getaway car wondering what's going on but you didn't write that he's on the phone.  Nick manages to slip into an office and he and Jerry start talking about what went wrong.

In two pages a lot can happen and in this case I'm not seeing it.  Page one is super critical just as much as the log line is and, sorry to say, this didn't hit the mark.  Quite a few mistakes coupled with a bunch of repetitive dialogue with the "you f*cked up" back and forth as well as some exposition here and there.

I hope my review didn't discourage you.  It takes a lot of practice and patience getting the hang of it and I'm sure there's a story somewhere in here but you have to remember that it's action and imagery that drives the story along, dialogue should only support it.  Show more and tell less.  Reading a few scripts here on SS is a good start to improving your writing.  Good luck with it all.

-Johnny