Life Changer by Vitaly Vlasov - Short, Comedy - Two men are secretly trying to see what is yet unknown, what can change their life, in a funny way. - pdf, format 8)

Hey Vitaly.

So I guess I'll start with the technical part of the review.  The camera angles are killing it for me.  This is a spec script so your main objective is to get the story across.  Save all the camera angles for the shooting script.  With all the camera angles and the line-wasting spaces accompanying them, you could cut this thing down to a little over a page, maybe even a single one.

Not naming your characters is another issue I have.  I recommending naming all your characters, even if their name isn't actually used.  They have dialogue and there aren't too many people to keep track of so it should help.  Characters with generic names such as "MAN#1" hinders the rapport between the character and the audience as it seems impersonal and can come off a bit lazy.  This is just my opinion though.

The dialogue also felt awkward and didn't feel genuine.  At the start of the script, your two characters are in a rush.  Now if they are, they wouldn't really be speaking so properly and completely.  Take for example:
                                MAN#1
          Hurry, time is running out...

                                MAN#2
          Yeah..I know..we'll get there just in time, don't fuss.

Read these lines out loud.  Do it at a quicker pace and you'll notice how strange they sound.  Man#1 would probably say, "Hurry.  Time's runnin' out."  Man#2 would probably say, "We'll get there.  Don't fuss."  I know it seems like I'm knit-picking but tiny details like these are the joints of your skeleton and if they're rough and lacking, then the entire script comes off sorta rusty and lackluster.

Btw, the "..." from what I understand is a long, drawn out sound of the syllable or word preceding it.  If that's so, I don't think MAN#2 would be speaking that way.

As far as the story goes, it was a miss for me.  Can't really sum up why but for me it just didn't work.  I'm a tough customer when it comes to comedy so I may be me but with the setup having these errors and the punchline being a miss, the short doesn't work.

That's all I got.  Some grammatical errors which can be cleaned up with a good read through.  Hope this helped.  Hopefully I didn't come off too harsh.  With some work, who knows what can happen.  Keep at it.

-Johnny

Yeah, the camera set ups/shots really take you out of the story. For a script, just try and take those out, or slickly put them in the action without blatantly stating it.

This doesnt seem fair but...

I agree with the two above posts aaaaand...

How is two pages a short story script? Not even a 30 second commercial in production.

Is the date pertinent to the story?
The dialog seems trite.
Comedy?
The direction could be much more descriptive with a lot fewer words and would probably leave room to enrich the story.
Very few format rules were used properly yet it got a 3 star format rating?

A good first try?
I'd hold everything up to format structure first and go from there.

But....I appreciate Vitaly's nads to submit this for review without a strict proofread.

and all this from a guy (myself) that has no idea of what he speaks.

M//