Treat by Steve Miles - Short, Horror - Stranded in a remote motel, a group of strangers face a dilemma when the elderly proprietor refuses to answer a cry for help. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Steve, this reads like it was meant for a fairly recent OWC we had.

I was liking this for awhile, but I didn't like the direction you decided to go, and the ending really fell flat for me.

There's quite a bit of awkward writing on display and punctuation is off in many places.  Although I think you tried to write visualy, I didn't really get any strong visuals and for this type of tale, I think that's very important.

Also, for this kind of script, I think character is very important and I didn't really get any character from any of your characters.  I know it's tough in so few pages, but nothign stood out for me.

Finally, I think you needed to attempt to weave in some kind of reason for these creatures' presence.  As is, it just doesn't make any sense.

Not a bad effort, but it can use some work.  Take care.

Hey Steve,

This one had me going. The Howard character was actually the one who freaked me out the most. We didn't seem to know too much about him except what he said, which could have been a rise anyway for all we know. He def added to the creep factor, and seemed to be the most mysterious guy in the room, IMO.

Percy, on the other hand, didn't creep me out at all. He just kinda went along his business of running things, kinda like he'd been through all of this before.

It was a decent effort, but left me wanting more of a revelation at the end. Maybe ol Percy relates to them about a similar storm years ago that went down something like this. A little more foreshadowing would only have added to this, I think.

And the way it was left off was kind of unfulfilling. You still got two people left standing at the end, right? What becomes of them?

Not bad at all. I just think things could have been handled differently, story wise.

Steve

Jeff, Steve, thank-you both for the notes.  Some good points raised.  Was trying to keep this under ten pages, so there is a little more room to play with some of your suggestions here.

Yes this was my aborted attempt for last October’s OWC.  I was away from my computer most of that week, but ended up dragging this idea around.  I never managed to get it all down in time and only recently decided to come back to it.  

The Creatures’ backstory might be a little trickier to explain.  Guess I was really just aiming for a slightly fun/campy feel to the horror without much explanation -- a little more like Tales from the Crypt.  

It’s really only Percy left standing (or at least hiding in the closet) at the end.  The couple are strung up outside (perhaps this needs more visual clarification) with Howard (we can only assume) shortly to join them.      

Again, thanks for taking the time.  Let me know if I can return the read.  

Steve.

Generally, I liked it.
The story has a Rod Serling thing going on and would be a good 30 minute episode.

The story could use some refinement and at the same time some elaboration.

M//

Thanks for taking a look Mike.  This was originally to be an entry for last years OWC -- but October's a busy month for me so the writing had to take a back seat.  Let me know if I can return the read.

Steve.