Bobby Botelli, GM by Ed Beach (CrusaderVoice) - Series, Dramedy - A  brilliant 15 year-old is named the general manager of a struggling professional basketball franchise. 31 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Ed, can't wait to check this out!  I'll give you my thoughts on it soon.

Johnny

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Link fixed.

Thanks for posting and, I guess fixing.

A version of this script was posted before but went through such a thorough re-write that I thought if I was to receive additional feedback here, the old needed to be pulled and a new thread could start for this one.

Interested to get thoughts and comments...

Hey Ed,

It's been over a year since I read the original, so forgive me if I forget some details between the two.

Great work! Structurally, this is not what I remembered. From what I recall, the writing was a bit choppy, the story was hard to follow, and there was some dialogue that came across generic due to the magnitude of your casting decisions. Your rewrite is crystal clear, writing and story. You've given Bobby something to prove, in a tank of bloodthristy sharks. So much room to explore the characters.

You mainly left this one of the court until the end. Good choice. You excell in telling a story off the court, but when it made to the game it was exciting and felt rewarding for Bobby to get a victory amongst minor failures. And I suspect in the future, Bobby's stakes will skyrocket. I loved the business side of it.

The conflict is there, everywhere. And your comedy comes through it. I enjoyed the dancers in the office. Bobby's teenage interests surfaced at exactly the right time, and it was hilarious. Joey cracks me up, I wouldn't mind seeing him attempt to be Bobby and get in over his head.

I see scripts with video game scenes all the time, but you actually used it purposefully. It was a good way to make the GM lingo match his age.

Good luck with this, and your future works. I'd like to read the two scripts that placed ahead of this, lol. I can tell you really put it in here, it pays off.

Later,

Johnny

Wow...thanks Johnny!

I feel fortunate to have gotten such good feedback on the first draft and that I had jotted down notes about future scenes and story ideas. That meant, when I did a re-write, I had a lot to work with and was able to reconstruct something that had more of a plot to the pilot.

The temptation to have Joey take things one step further in the hallway was strong right then but I was running out of space / pages to do that. He's definitely going to be looking for any angle / scam he can to get in good (or at least get a good look) with members of the opposite gender.

While I haven't read the winning scripts from the contest you referenced, but I know a little bit about the guys that finished ahead of me and I'm very certain that the judges selected well in regards to first and second (I HOPE they selected well for third).

Ed,

Hopefully we'll see more episodes soon!  That's the great thing with a series is you can never run out of space!  Well, maybe you can...

Good script here, hope it succeeds.

Hey, Ed, I read it again and... this changed so much! It was an enjoyable half hour to spend - didn't take me long, I wasn't pulled out of read even once.

Excellent structure and all - I recognize a few things, but overall you seem to cut the whole second part and lots of characters and that bettered the script immensely. And there's a definite character improvement - Bobby is very likable, unsure - just the way he should be. I could see them all, every character draws me in. The dialog is great...

Congrats once again. You should submit it to other comps maybe. Austin for one - a lot of entries, but it's the most prominent one with regards to pilots.

Johnny- I've got story ideas scattered over a period that would cover about four seasons. And let's just say that I read the sports section and NBA news in a new way now.

Thanks K! I owe you an email, too. I've been swamped...sorry! I finished reading your script awhile ago and jotted down some notes...but I've going around the clock and 7 days a week for a couple of months. I'm looking forward to getting back with on it soon, though.

Thanks again for the kind words...means a lot from someone that turns out fun stuff to read...and a The Middle fan.

Ed, please don't worry about it! You don't owe me an email - and it can wait. For now I just left that one alone, not inspired by it at all.