The Good Neighbor by nunzio - Horror - How well do you really know your neighbors? (PG) - pdf, format 8)

Once I gave up on proper format and grammar, this was a nice story with good dialogue.

Unfortunately there really wasn't much of a set up and pay off.  It was just a scene from their lives about a warlock who lives next door.

I can't really say that this was even a horror story.  Sure there was one death, but other than that, everyone had a great life.  I want to live next to Mike.

Jordan

I like your logline. It feels intriguing.

There are several places you are missing slugs. Also...if this was formatted correctly it would have been OVER the page limit. Is that why each line starts at the very top of the page??

There was also no horror feel to this. You did manage to get the witch/warlock thing in it at the very end. There was no twist or any part of the story that felt like it had tension. This was just 'ok' for me. I do like Mike though...I wish he was my neighbor. I could use a winning lottery ticket! :)

There are six characters introduced on the first page. It really does become a huge pain for the reader to try and remember them.

'LEAH could easily pass for a
woman in her late 20's, early thirties not 40" What?

It seems to me that you've edited your margins drastically to fit the 10 pages. It somehow angers me a little that you're trying to do this. The page number barely fits on the page, you're going to catch a lot of flak for this. But I just counted the lines and I got around/less than 58 per page, which is strange since it definitely looks like more. Definitely check your software to see what the spacing is, I have a feeling it may be off, forcing everything to seem bigger.

A lot of problems with the writing so far.

For 4 pages, they've literally been talking about nothing (important) so far.

Alright, finished. Was that 8 pages of setup? And I don't think any of it lead to anything. Confusing script, too many characters, everything got lost upon each other. The dialogue was fine, writing needed work. Nothing was really clear and I honestly don't think the story even escalated to something, it just happened as we went. The witchcraft thing seems like a dues ex machina. Sorry but this didn't work for me.

Grade: D-

Nawazm11 has a point with these opening pages.  If this were a full length feature, I'd be hoping you'd get to the point soon but as a short, I wondering if this is what we'll be dealing with for the remainder of the read.  The beauty of shorts is that they're "wham, bam, thank you ma'am".  By the end of the first page, we have an idea of where we're headed but in this case, 3 pages in and we're still small talking with the neighbors?  Not boding well for me.

You've got one slug at the top of your script and then no change of scene and I'm on page 6.  That's pretty strange seeing as how I imagine you would want to use them every time we jump to a new lawn or front porch.  Using slugs can greatly aid in clarification which was why I was confused as to how Rob was nearly struck by the driver.  I thought Mike walked over and struck up the long conversation with Leah and Rob.  Then Rob walked over to his own SUV which should have been parked in his driveway or at least on the curb of his own house so either I'm missing something or this driver was really, REALLY wasted to be driving on lawns.

Just finished.  So this wasn't really a horror piece in the least bit.  One thing you do have talent for is characterization.  There was trouble earlier with all the characters intro'ed at the start but after a while, they did have their own voice and were quite unique.  I actually really liked Starvos in particular.  Unfortunately, because you focused so much on the characterization, there wasn't much room to develop a great plot so as a whole, this was just okay for me.  My advice would be to work at expressing that same skill in characterization while developing the plot and story as well.  You have a feel for your characters so put them in situations that tilt towards driving the story forward and you'll win on both terms.

That's all I've got.  Not a fantastic script or one that really met the horror parameter but a decent piece.  Good job.

Johnny

LOL - seems like some trickery was used to "cram" this thing into 10 pages - not cool.  A standard page will have between 53 and 55 lines - this looks like 58-59.

Sorry, but I'm out quickly here.  Lots of unfilmables everywhere.  Lots of overwriting everywhere.  Very poor use of Slugs and lots missing in the opening.  You have the same peroson speaking twice in a row with no action line.  Lots of unnecessary wrylies.

Way too much dialogue that doesn't seem to go anywhere.  Not my cup, bro, sorry.

Congrats on finishing a script for this OWC.

Quoted from Dreamscale A standard page will have between 53 and 55 lines - this looks like 58-59.

Actually, Jeff, it's used to be that a few decades ago but recently, the number's risen in most programs (or at least final draft and trelby). John August even studied this and the conclusion was that it was between 56-58. :)

Some of the dialogue was irritating, but it wasn't awful at least. However, your margins were a concern and this had nothing going for it in terms of story. I mean, your characters can speak in decently-clever ways for as long as you want, but I'm certain that no reader will stay tuned it for all of it. We need a real narrative, something to invest in. This wasn't it, but despite a lot of grammatical issues, it wasn't terrible. It just needed a reason to exist and to fit the parameters of the challenge.

C-.

Quoted from nawazm11 Actually, Jeff, it's used to be that a few decades ago but recently, the number's risen in most programs (or at least final draft and trelby). John August even studied this and the conclusion was that it was between 56-58. :)

Mo, you are correct, John August did say this, but if you look at what other peeps and sites say, you'll find the answer to be 52-56, with 56 being an upper max.  Thus, I shoot for 53-55, which falls in the middle.

If the writer did not purposely do this, I apologize, but I think it's quite apparent that it looks to be "crammed" in, and that in istelf is a bad thing and red flag.

Hello nuzio

The good neighbour

Logline - ok, but doesn't tell me much

Feels like a few characters to introduce and then quite a lot of banter - I'm trying to keep up
Your parenthicals  are a bit too often and none below the characters name as they should be
Way too much banter and discussion of miles life, for me

Finished

Ok, if everything was in the right place, with right pacing and spacing this would probably be another page as written. But anyway, this script is a bit nice, lacks bite.

It's a nice idea to have a good man next door etc but what's the story? I accept he does magic and it helps others, unless they're bad meat heads of course!

The introductions, the characters could be introduced much faster. It went on too long.

Everyone like mike, even rob, and mikes great, he does nice things, helps folk. The end.

It may be a bit obvious but allowing jealously to run more clearly through this would add dimension, conflict, drama and the opportunity for a decent twist when the arrogant mike is actually a good man.

Not for me, as written, but has potential to reverse the usual stereotype

Grade D+

I have to admit that I found this one quite boring, but I still pushed on to the end hoping for something and in some ways I got it – a nice little twist with Mike and how he gets the bald meth driver.

Unfortunately that is the only real good thing going on here – horror is nowhere to be seen and although it’s modern – this could have been a scene from any daily soap.

I’m afraid I don’t have much to add, I didn’t see a story here at all but I will admit that I did like the dynamics of the neighbors and the dialogue was okay.

The writing isn’t the best and I’m afraid there quite a few issues – some simple things: you only have to cap characters on first intro, the wrylies were formatted wrong etc. This will come with time and experience – read scripts here on SS.

I will finish with saying that I loved how Mike referred to himself as the Wolfeman which made me think of the 80s classic Teenwolf and the wolf dance - this was a nice image for the character I thought, made me chuckle anyway.



Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

Writer,

Hey. Okay, so not really a horror story we have here, so there's that. But it was interesting, if not overwritten. Yes it does seem very crammed. Against the rules, from what I hear. But I think it takes away from the story you are trying to tell here.

So, good effort but no horror story here.

Congrats on entering and good luck with your future work!

Steve

Hate to beat the corpse of the horse but...

The formatting is off and looks crammed. Some margins are off (p5) The wrylies are put on the side of the character slugs as opposed to before or in between dialog. Some aren't even needed at all.

Quoted Text HELEN (to Starvos) (CONT'D) You're going to give yourself a stroke. Michael will be home soon. STARVOS (irritated) I'll start i

Should look---
HELEN
You're going to give yourself a
stroke. Michael will be home soon.

STARVOS
(irritated)
I'll start !

Why drop the first Wrylie? You only introduce two characters at this point. Who else would Helen be talking to?

LEAH is capped three times upon intro. Once is enough. Same goes for other characters.

"Wolfeman"? p2 Twice!

FADE OUT should have a line of its own. Mixed in with narrative, it's a dead giveway. In wanting to fit a ten page limit (I think yoiu could have went 12) you doctored the margins and deliberately put some wrylies on the same lines as character slugs. Very clever....and sloppy. It hurts the read and that's a shame because some of this (what's readable) isn't half bad.

IF you really had to, you could have read your work a few times and ask yourself- is there ANYTHING I can live without? Which child is the bastard, and is it time to chop him out? What narrative is expendable? Any dialog that could be cut? Looking over the script, I have to say YES.

Some over descriptions. Just say a character is in her 40s but looks younger for her age. Another character  Mike is...

Quoted Text a ruggedly handsome man who looks as if he just walked out of a tv studio with his pressed black suit coat, pants, and wrinkle free white shirt sparkling in the afternoon sun gets out.

Turns out that is his profession or close to it. But why not just show me he's a "wrinkle free suit?" or "very GQ"? Says it all. His professional background is alluded to later on.

So overwritten and no room to breathe.
Could have been nice...pity.

the first thing that caught my eye was the passive writing - there is a lot in here - keep in the present and cut the 'ing' words.

The second thing was the parenthesis - meant to be under the name. Were you trying to push everything in? Plus it is way overloaded with them - use sparingly.

And the third is how sickly sweet Mike is - erk!

Ok, by page 5 this is starting to feel like a talking heads piece that isn't really leading anywhere fast. I don't mean to sound so negative - I was hoping to say more positive things about this.

It felt like you got a bit more comfortable with writing this towards the end and I liked Mike's little spell, but didn't really get any horror out of it and the middle needs a complete rewrite.

Good effort for a weeks work though. :)

Renee

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


The good neighbor

Hello.

Lots of characters from the start. I give it a chance and read through. I'm not complete disappointed. You let them interact, unfortunately by dialogue, but you got still an overview about all of them.
I honoree also the courage of a very, very, very long scene. I was not knowing if you will cut even one time.
The end is nothing. You have problems to divorce from your words overall. But look, they are not beaten into stone. It wasn't much of a story.

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


The good neighbor

Hello.

Lots of characters from the start. I give it a chance and read through. I'm not complete disappointed. You let them interact, unfortunately by dialogue, but you got still an overview about all of them.
I honoree also the courage of a very, very, very long scene. I was not knowing if you will cut even one time.
The end is nothing. You have problems to divorce from your words overall. But look, they are not beaten into stone. It wasn't much of a story.

I thought this was definitely well written and with good characters. It had authenticity and flavor, which I appreciated.

But... not horror. And not all that eventful either. The presumed payoff is the death of a completely ancillary character who honestly didn't really deserve to die. A douchebag, no doubt, but that's it. I have my doubts he'd actually have done anything if he'd stuck around. Still, completely insignificant in the world of these characters either way.

Good writing but didn't meet the challenge. And yet, outside the challenge, it wouldn't make any sense. Don't know what else to say, really.

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsBznn8D13zOdGJValQtbHU1LUNPVWQzY0gzajRTTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

19. The Good Neighbor by nunzio - Horror - How well do you really know your neighbors?
Brief - A close neighborhood friendship unknowingly benefits from a modern warlock.

Location(s)  - City street, older home interior, new home interior, highway
Cast - 7
Protagonist(s)  -  
HELEN KRATSOUS, 76
STARVOS KRATSOUS, 77, a small man built like a bulldog
ROB GIOVINO, 38, a relatively handsome man whose girth is starting to grow on his face and stomach. (That's a touch long. "Pudgy" would suffice)
LEAH GIOVINO, 40
THOMAS, 5
SOPHIE, 18mo
MIKE WOLFE, 38, a ruggedly handsome man
Antagonist(s)  -
DRIVER, a bald man, 6'4, 235 pounds of muscle and tattoos
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Drama, light. This is not a horror story. This is drama with some supernatural elements tacked on.
Comments  -  Pg1 and you got four actors plus two minors on the set. Better use them well. Pg2: Five actors. What is going on with these top & bottom page margins? You fiddled with the margins to squeak this into ten pgs. Don't do that. It just p!sses off everyone but the ignorant. Too much non-progressive (boring) conversation. Since you were willing to futz with the margins to retain all that unnecessary blabbin' I'll hazard a guess you're too in love with your writing. Be warned about that. You gotta learn to put slug lines in when the action moves from outside to inside the house and then back outside. Okay, that was too much set up for the pay off. However, you did good on the modern witchcraft, just real poor on the horror.
Script format - Needs work.
Final word - Pass. Quit cheating on the page count + learn to kill your babies. Just... let go!

$1,000 - 2,000     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 11               Screenplay Pages
= $91 - 182          Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Yes
Horror - Nope