Evocation by Fourteen - Horror - An aging warlock begins to lose his once incredible  powers as death creeps upon him. As one last act of evil, he summons a demon spirit from the depths of hell in the hope of unleashing death and carnage on earth.  But first, a strong vessel must be found to house the spirit. Once found, can the vessel in question fight off the demon possession and prevent hell on earth? (PG) - pdf, format 8)

You need to proofread at least a little bit.  

You have random letters floating around.  Letters that aren't capitalized.  Missing periods.

::SPOILERS::
Once this got going, it was fun to read.  It was a lot like Paranormal Activity with the thumping coming up the stairs, and it did have a nice moment with the face in the mirror.

But ultimately, a guy gets possessed and removes the demon by grabbing a crucifix?  That seems kind of anticlimactic.
::END::

It was a fun read but it felt like it was painting by numbers.

Jordan

I"m not sure the script lived up to the logline IMO. The Warlock's goal wasn't very clear...it was obvious that he was doing evil but that was about it.

The story did pick up though once Jay gets to his house. There was at least tension...and mystery here. It got old though...The end fell short for me sorry to say.

Good job completing an OWC

Hi Ben

Welcome to SS

Logline - that's a logline and a half. Heaven knows how you are going to pull this off in 10 pages, edit, six pages!! . Let's see...

Dialogue is off alignment in the very first section - not a great start. Jeff would be bubbling at that
Be careful not to over CAP words like STARES, not needed
Heavy going in the middle

Finished

Ok, not my kind of thing and to be honest it felt like there a lot holes in this. It certainly didn't come across like the logline.

I like the idea of a demon needing a body, choosing what appears to be a suitable candidate but then later discovering something like he is religious and hence the drama.

Not sure what the ending suggested.

My grade - I don't want to be harsh but this didn't work for me so I'll leave it at that.

Looks like another brand new writer without screenwriting software...and hey, that's not a bad thing.

Obviously a ton of problems here on every page.  I had to laugh out loud at your opening passage - "dinghy" - is a small boat.  As others said, very poor job on editing, or maybe no editing was done.

I stopped on Page 3, but hey, that's further than I've gone on numerous entries so far.  The story wasn't going anywhere, felt very contrived, and very immature.  No characters had any character whatsoever.

Keep writing and read all you can.  You'll soon see the error of your ways.

Thanks for entering.

Ben,

The issue here is lack of story.  If I didn't have the logline then I wouldn't know what was supposed to be happening -- that information needs to come through in the script itself.  

What does the old man want with Jay and why?  What does Jay represent to the demon and what happens if he succeeds or fails in taking possession of his body?  What are the stakes involved?

Without answers to these questions you give the reader very little connection to the story and characters.  What you have is a creepy old man, and a young guy stumbling home from a night out only to fend off a random demonic possession -- you’re missing the essential element of why this is taking place.  Not wanting to sound harsh here, but this needs more substance if it’s to work.

Read some scripts, work on tightening/breaking up your action lines and weed out those words that aren’t necessary, i.e.  

‘When it finally stops he climbs to his feet. He stands
precariously, SWAYING back and forth, shaking
uncontrollably. He walks over to the mirror. A pallid
skinned, sunken-eyed face stares back at him. He looks like
death warmed up.’

Could be written as,

When finally it stops he finds his feet, swaying,
shaking uncontrollably.

He checks himself in the mirror -- a pallid,
sunken-eyed face stares back at him.

Far from perfect, but it gives you an idea of how you could trim up the action without losing the core idea.  This whole story could easily have been a page lighter if not more.

Best of luck with it.

Steve.

Unfortunately I don’t have a lot to add to what’s already been said. Try not to overuse CAPS. It dulls their effect. I nearly missed some character intros because blended into a Caps heavy paragraph. You can leave out the CUT TOs as well.

This was over written, but I the bright side I could see things clearly was able to follow the action well enough. I’m sure you can convey these same scenes in a tighter manner with some good editing.

Story-wise the action flowed nicely, but didn’t seem to serve anything. It felt like a scene in a larger piece and we weren’t quite privy to what was going on behind the scenes (Note: I read this without the logline in mind. But you shouldn’t depend on the logline for key information anyway).

So at best there’s some talent and potential here. Keep reading. Keep writing. And congrats on completing the OWC.

Looking at the first page, this really needs a good edit.

In fact, the whole script could've used a good edit.

Not sure if I understood the ending? Has the demon come back or ...? The story needs expansion, the characters just seem to be following a preset that really doesn't add anything to the story. It just happens without any highs and lows, really, there's barely a story here. Nothing is achieved and nothing happens, it's just a series of events where a character changes and transforms then changes back. Needs more meat. The script is overwritten but I can see strands of some good writing here. Has potential. I liked the horror element but this wasn't about witchcraft or witches.

Grade: D+/C-

Writer,

Nice try on getting this done for the challenge, but I was out around page seven. Sorry to say it was way too wordy. Your action blocks were much too long, too much exposition and not enough action. To the point where I stopped I was just kinda confused as to what was going on.

You seem to have the basics of formatting down. You just need to polish it up a bit and your scripts'll be looking, and reading, a lot better in no time.

Congrats on entering!

Steve

Before I read anything I want to address your logline. This really grabbed my interest: "An aging warlock begins to lose his once incredible powers as death creeps upon him." Everything else after that was unnecessary.

Your good at describing atmosphere but you're using WAY too many words to do it. And what's with all the caps? For me, when I read words with CAPS it screams at me. It screws with the rhythm of your story and I don't see the reason for it. You also have a lot of "ings" which also slow things down. There are 4 just in the first block (thumping, begging, pleading, waiting). Your whole story is over written but I took 3 lines of action from page 2, to offer an example of how you could lean it out.
__________________________________________________________

What you wrote:

EXT.CLUB-NIGHT.

THUMPING techno music blasts from inside the club. A QUEUE of people lines the street. Bouncers stand unperturbed by the begging and pleading from revellers waiting to get in
the club.

One of the side doors bursts open and out STUMBLES a guy. JAY, mid-twenties, tall and of an athletic build. ERIC and DAVID, both mid-twenties, follow him closely.

They LAUGH and joke with each other as they walk up the road. Clearly enjoying the after effects of a hard nights partying.
_____________________________________________________________

Over writing buries your story. It also slows it down making it hard for the reader to finish. Just tell us what we need to know. Not saying you shouldn't create an atmosphere, but do it in a lean way.

THUMPING(we know what this music sounds like so you don't need this word.
Techno music blasts from inside the club(your slug lets us know where we are-this is repetitive). A QUEUE of (I didn't even know how to picture that) people lines the street. (unless it's important for us to know they're in the street, I think just telling us there's a line is enough) Bouncers stand unperturbed by the begging and pleading from revellers (repetitive) waiting to get in
the club(again, you told us this in your slug. we know where we are).

One of the (do we really need to know there is more than one?) side doors bursts open and out STUMBLES a guy(we'll know he's a guy by his name). JAY, mid-twenties(25), tall and of an athletic build. ERIC and DAVID, both mid-twenties(25), follow him closely(I don't think this is needed).

They LAUGH and joke with each other as they walk up the road. Clearly enjoying the after effects of a hard nights partying.(you already told us Jay stumbled out now just pick a word or two to let us know the three of them are drunk. You don't need a whole sentence)
________________________________________________________

My attempt:

EXT. CLUB - NIGHT

Techno music blasts from inside. Bouncers stand unperturbed as a long line of people beg and plead to get in.

A side door bursts open. Out stumbles JAY (25), tall, athletic, followed by ERIC and DAVID (25). The three sway and laugh loudly as they head up the road.
__________________________________________________________

As far as the story goes, I didn't understand it. First, it seemed more like a demon than a witch. And why did it single out Jay? And what happened in the end? We see a demon, he does something to Jay while he's taking a piss, then abuses the shit out of him back at his house. That's it. It's more like a scene from something bigger rather than a stand alone piece. We ended up knowing nothing about Jay or why this thing singled him out. You need more. More story development, you need a plot, and more character development.

Just keep writing. And read lots of screenplays. Congrats on finishing something for this OWC!  ;D

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


Evocation

Heavy. Very horrible. There is a problem in Horror that we have no experiences in how we would react to the supernatural evil. I got a point where I felt, if there's still Jay inside Jay, mentally, he couldn't even breathe anymore, getting a heart attack, or getting senseless .  But he looks back to the mirror...

Naturally I won't let any of these rational views discount your work. It's Horror. They have to run upstairs to say it exaggerated.

I liked that it was very direct, simple. You were more on this heaven hell thing. Demons and devils, it was not perfect in the theme. Still, the disco scene, the house, it felt very modern, it was up to date.

It leans on to many other horror films, so it was not very novel. The execution made it.

Good.

+The ending should show it's going on, or not? Intense Image and couraged to cut so early and fate out. I like that decision. The Impulse of the footstep let it end at another new climax.

You're not supposed to reveal yourself as the writer until after the vote...

Please remove your post before everyone sees it.  :-/

Ben,

I wouldn't say it's inexcusable or that everyone didn't like your story. From what I gather there are a few that did like it and you even got Jeff reading until your 3rd page, which as he states - is more than some. As others have stated though, your writing does come across as novice and that's ok - stick at and you'll get there - screenwriting is a tricky craft to master.

As for my opinion on the story; I liked it (thought over written and the CAPS everywhere were kind of a put off), but I didn't read your logline first and kind of got lost in as much as 'what happened?' and 'why?' After I read the logline everything made more sense, but it should also be clear in the story too. I wouldn't have said that there was really any magic in this except for the logline telling me that the guy at the start was a warlock.

Hope this helps :)

Renee

  Not sure what to make of this. Very wordy, some margin/formatting is off, you forgot to turn off the more's/continueds (clutters the pages) and instead of MAN (who isn't really capped on intro) why not call him "CLOAK"?   Lessen the confusion in the read and things would go smoother. By the way, 'then' is an unessary word. Same with "Until :" even if the latter is at scripts end. It isn't needed. The CUT Tos also pad up the seven pager when it isn't needed.

Jay's J isn't a capitial J in some areas.
Some words are CAPPED when they don't need to be. They aren't even sounds or character intros. Like UNSURE. Why cap that word? "As if a BOLT of electricity just cursed through his body" Yeah, I'd strike the useless word, but more to the point, why cap BOLT? We can't see the BOLT!

Quoted Text Two RED eyes burn fiercely in their sockets;

Ain't it neat that whenever we see a Demon, vampire, werewolf or some monster that they always have this cliche with them? Well, NO.  Even though it is awkwardly worded, I never have been, or ever will be a Creature/s Red Glowing Eyes fan. Why in the heck is it always red, anyway? Why not cobalt blue? I know, I know, I seem a bit nitpicky here but the point is, it disappoints me to some extent whenever I read horrors and the demons or monsters have...red...glowing...eyes.

And then they open thier mouths and spew bad dialog. If the speaking monsters had a moustache, they'd twirk it. It's also a bit confusing that the demon speaks in Jay's voice ("Where are you going, Jay") and where's the MAN...er "CLOAK"? Better yet, where's the witch-warlock? Is it the MAN never to be seen again?

What am I missing here? Maybe I just didn't get it.


The story is fine. The script needs work.    

Read a few more at work. Time for a brief rapid fire review session.

Wasn't big on this one. More of a situation than a plot. A lot of the earlier stuff isn't necessary. The fact that Jay was clubbing and with his friends is sort of irrelevant. All the story takes is for someone to run into this warlock and go home. Since Jay's friends disappear after the setup, all the business of Jay disappearing just serves to stall events.

I also don't understand the plot in relation to the logline. Doesn't the warlock basically become a vessel in the very first scene? Why wouldn't he be viable for the demon?

A lot of the descriptions reminded me of Evil Dead, which is always welcome even when sort of contrived. Really, the bulk of the proceedings in the script are very Raimi. I think it could've been very fun if it weren't for the majority of the writing. A lot of awkward phrasing and descriptions that are difficult to envision. "Molten orbs" for example. Is that supposed to be just glowing eyes or is he supposed to look like he's got liquid metal in his eye sockets? Or fire. Later, you describe the eyes as just red. I don't know what to make of all this.

The action in general also made for a confusing read. At times, Jay seemed possessed. At others, like he was being pursued by something. The whole Jay/Demon thing was lost on me somehow. I hope that's not because I wasn't paying attention. As of now, it doesn't seem like it.

The ending was weak. Not enough time goes by after Jay gets "better" for it to have any impact. It's a rehash of what's happened already anyway.

So yeah. Could've been way better.

Though the logline says the goal, I don't see this stated in the script. I didn't really see any plot here and why I should care about Jay and why the old man raised the demon.

Sentences were structured okay, but spelling errors right from the get-go. Don't use "cut to" in spec scripts. The parenthetical "to himself" is completely unnecessary - we already know he's alone, so who else would he be speaking to.

Needs work.

I haven't read the reviews yet, so maybe I'm way off on my comments. Take em with a grain of salt.

While there is some horror and definitely a lot of witchcraft it all seems rather traditional to me. There was no modern spin on the ritual. Maybe use a different take on the rituals we haven't seen before. To me this felt more like exorcism stuff. They felt more like Satanists or demon worshippers rather than witches.

Uninspired. Generic. Needs some fresh ideas to work better. Needs modern spin.

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsBznn8D13zOdGJValQtbHU1LUNPVWQzY0gzajRTTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

22. Evocation by Fourteen - Horror - An aging warlock begins to lose his once incredible  powers as death creeps upon him. As one last act of evil, he summons a demon spirit from the depths of hell in the hope of unleashing death and carnage on earth.  But first, a strong vessel must be found to house the spirit. Once found, can the vessel in question fight off the demon possession and prevent hell on earth?
Brief - Old man summons spirit, spirit/old man possesses young man

Location(s)  - Basement, techno club, street, house exterior & interior
Cast - 8 (but could/should easily be cut down to 2 or 3 on rewrite)
Protagonist(s)  -  
JAY, 20s, tall and of an athletic build
Antagonist(s)  -
MAN, old, frail
QUEUE of people lines the street (Groaaaaan... )
BOUNCER 2X
ERIC, 20s
DAVID, 20s
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Horror. This is not a solid self contained story. It is a story segment, possibly an opening sequence or a scene from a greater story. Modern witches and witchcraft portrayed unfavorably.
Comments  -  Turn off your screenwriting program's mores and continued's feature. How much is it gonna cost us just to make that book? Cut the "CUT TO:s". On your slug lines you gotta put a space between the INT/EXT. and the location and dash and the DAY/NIGHT, and no periods at the end of slugs. Action lines are too descriptive, AKA "novely." Demon summoning is honestly more Judeo-Christian oriented than pagan witchcraft.
Script format - Needs work
Final word - Nice, but too expensive as is. Not really horror, either

$3,000 - 5,000      Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 5.6               Screenplay Pages
= $536 - 893           Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Nope
Horror - Not really