Mountain Hexer by Twenty - Horror - Two young men confront an evil moutain witch, but cannot possibly comprehend the horror they're about to confront. ( R ) - pdf, format 8)

ARGH!!!!  Looks to be the first pisser of the bunch.

Too bad, too, because some of the dialogue early on is very well done.  It quickly gets old, though.

This isn't horror at all and it doesn't look like the writer took this challenge seriously.

The writing itself is very poor with mistakes of all kinds, including numeruos typos.  It doesn't look like the writer did a single edit here.

Funny at times, but overall a waste of my time.

This is my cup of tea. Glad to see another "pisser" and one that was pretty funny as well. I didn't laugh out loud, but saw the humor and found it funny.

Could have done with a couple re-reads there. Some spelling and grammar mistakes that are unforgivable and inexcusable due to syntax. These include there that should be their or they're and the same thing with your (I think.)

I also think you could have used the extra 3-4 pages to create some suspense or build up of some sort.

But this worked for what it was. Good job on the humor and dialogue.

Aha, first pisser of the day.  I liked the mountain setting, but wasn't really sure what these two idiots were doing up there.  Ugh, poor Lonnie.  I laughed at a couple lines, but that's about it.  Thanks for the slight humor break and bigger thanks for keeping this only six pages.

A pair of rednecks set out to kill a witch, one loses his meat and veg, something about Obamacare and then they go home...  Some fun dialogue helped carry this along, though story-wise it came across as more of a skit and I’m not sure where it left us in the end.

Perhaps polished up a bit, with a little more pay-off this could make for a decent stand-alone.

Format wise the left margin looks off -- check your settings as that’ll add to the page count.

...And I learnt a new word ‘skinworm’.

Good couple of laughs in there - a nice distraction.

Logline made me laugh, hopefully this is a comedy-horror.

Your margins are off as well as the font. Seems as if you wrote this in word? Using a program is usually always better.

"For real?" lol

"BRYAR
Obamacare."  ;D ;D

Okay, surprisingly, if you ignore the mistakes and such, this wasn't total shit. The story worked for what it was, it was amusing but nothing amazing. Probably a pisser but the humour kind of fell on itself. A decent effort.

Grade: C-

First line typo, ouch, (it's should be its). I guess my first clue at what a goofy ride I was in for started with "ol' blasty here". At least I was hoping it was comedy as it was such a ridiculous line that I wouldn't be able to forgive it if it wasn't a comedy.

Though it had a witch and was set back in some creepy woods, not sure I really felt the horror aspect of it.

I have to admit the Ken Doll comment was humorous and "Obamacare" actually had me laughing out loud.

Some funny stuff here.

Hmm. I thought this was alright. Not particularly funny but cute and relatively fun. Thought the Obamacare jokes were uber topical though; anyone could've came up with them. The ending seemed to fit the set up alright.

Not horror at all though. Not even an attempt. I'd say a failure on the guidelines front.

Writing's okay. Couple typos. Could be cleaned up with a second sweep.

Eh. Nothing particularly bad about this one. Seems to lack punch if the comedy doesn't work though. And again, doesn't meet the challenge. Not for me, I'll say.

ATTENTION PERPS: the phrase is 'PISSTAKE'. Not this Americanized 'pisser'. Get it right dudes, lol!

This had some really funny moments. Love the slang names for his gentials. When it started I thought it was gonna be a Deliverance pisstake but it was cool.

At least it had a witch in it! Even though we did t see her, lol.

The writer knows his craft too, as it was formatted well, and there was the good sense of timing which makes a comedy tick.

This script is fine by me, comedy horror to a point, quite quirky which is what I like.  Too many serious scripts in this world.  The formatting was slightly off in places, some spelling mistakes.  Nothing too distract from the story which above all else is more important.

Anything short is appreciated with 50 something scripts to read so kudos on length. I got a chuckle here and there. Even though a pisser...this is coming from a talented writer. Good job.

Mountain hexes

What is a hexer?

Logline - ok, better than most

On his fifth poodle!
Twig and berries!
Squirrel and nuts

Ok, lots of issues, typos etc and not much of a story, more of a sketch

But I did find it amusing and in parts the dialogue was good. Actually made a pleasant change.

All the best

I don't think this is pisser territory, but maybe I'm wrong.  This was pretty funny, so many things I liked about it.  I thought it was a great effort.

Writing needs work, formatting is incorrect as well.  Check the spacing between your slugs.

I thought the dialogue was solid.  Everything flowed and came out honest, and it's the script's strength.

This I miss something that confirms this is a modern witch?  It's kinda vague, but overall I though it was a good read.

Johnny

You've got to love a man who names his gun "Ol’ Blasty" Definite signs of a pisser here from the first page.

Check out your software, your margins look wrong - maybe this was written on Word?

"I’m on my fifth poodle already." He could try another breed, or Mexican food is supposed to be quite nice. ;D

Okay, I'm pretty convinced this is a pisser now.

"I look like a Ken doll down There." Ha! Poor Lonnie.

"He takes out his Bic" I guess they do say that the pen is mightier than the sword. ;D

Well, not much to say. I chuckled a few times and felt sorry for poor old Lonnie: Loses his dick, balls, truck and freedom - wasn't his day I guess. :P

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


Mountain hexer


Hello.

You pass the point to be serious within the stated genre.

The squirrel steals his balls. That's a bit funny. But you lost the contact to Horror by making jokes and try letting your main characters act funny.

Refreshing not to see any witch at all in the script. There's just the hint at the end that she might really exist.

To be honest about the general script. Ahmmm, does not work in my eyes. Not at all...

Hey?

Thanks for the break in all this reading. Never read this many scripts in this short a time before. But yours, my friend, was hilarious!

Fifth poodle! Haha! Awesome.

Steve

As said previous, there's something very strange going on with the margins and spacing in here. And the typos are numerous.
That said it was pretty funny in parts and somewhat a breath of fresh air.

Another screenplay with a blatant error in the first line: "path..The trees". May not seem like a big deal but it makes people think the rest of your work is probably riddled with issues.

This dialog: "Well, lookee there." Should either come after his gesture or at least have a pause before the last thing he says.

Random extra space between some character's name and dialog. You didn't notice?

So...funny thing about the nuts but the tone is making me think there is no horror here.

THR END??? -- Okay, this has to be a pisser.

So the truck is the last straw  :)

Lonnie seemed kinda calm for someone who just lost their “twig and berries”, but I can tell this is nowhere close to serious (I hope). So what can I say? This was some goofy fun and I took it as such. Nowhere near horror for me, but it was a short and fast read.

Congrats!

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsBznn8D13zOdGJValQtbHU1LUNPVWQzY0gzajRTTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

28. Mountain Hexer by Twenty - Horror - Two young men confront an evil moutain witch, but cannot possibly comprehend the horror they're about to confront.
Brief - Two hillbillies attempt to confront a mountain witch and somewhat prevail.

Location(s)  - Mountain, pick up truck interior, cabin
Cast - 2
Protagonist(s)  -  
LONNIE, 20, a skinny guy
BRYAR, 30s, who angrily grips a shotgun
Antagonist(s)  - none on screen
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural Horror Comedy. This isn't a modern witch story = fail, even though it's quite amusing!
Comments  -  Don't ever change the font on your title page to anything other than 12pt Courier. FWIW, I don't care, but a lotta folks take issue with -ly ending words, such as "nervously" and "angrily" so do a cake walk around them and -ing words, too. Are you screwing around with your margins? Those dialog margins look mighty wide. Hmm... Pg... WhereTH did your page numbers go? WTH are you doing? Whatever. Pg3:"Two squirrels scurry out from the tree, snatch the nuts and run up the tree." How much do you think that'll cost to shoot on camera? CGI? How much do you think CGI-ing two nut snatching squirrels is going to cost? Let me, as producer, deduct that cost from your pay, as screenwriter. "bravely" Hmm... "An owl screeches down from the tree, snatches it and disappears into the branches." Keep that up and you'll be paying me to take your screenplay! "A moment later, the pickup explodes in flames. " Okay, you're screenplay is officially DQed at this point, but you're amusing me so I'll keep reading. Done. Cute. I ain't shooting it unless you don't mind me making it look real extra cheezy - like Ed Wood cheezy. Also, FWIW, this is both the best use of two characters and essentially a single location I've seen in this challenge and the most entertaining story.
Script format - Download Celtx 2.9.1, free, and quit dickin around with whatever you're using.
http://download.cnet.com/Celtx/3000-13631_4-10850080.html
Final word - Horror, but not modern witchcraft. With a little care to budgeting this could be rewritten to a much more affordable to produce screenplay.

$3,000 - 5,000      Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 5               Screenplay Pages
= $500 - 1,000     Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Nope
Horror - Yep

Thanks for all the reads on this one.  I honestly thought mine was going to be one of quite a few pissers.  Oops, pisstakes(thanks, Stevie).  Turns out it was about the only one, I think.  

Out of all the reviews, RayW's probably surprised me the most:   "Also, FWIW, this is both the best use of two characters and essentially a single location I've seen in this challenge and the most entertaining story."  Gracias Ray, wherever you are.

I think this was without question, the funniest d@mn thing I've read in probably over a year.

Very nice character creation.

You could/should consider developing a "F#cked-Up Adventures of Lonnie & Bryar" series.


WTH was going on with your submission format?
I know you know better.
Just trying to thow off the smarty-pants Jr. Holmes' around here?
Wrote it on an iPhone? :))

My favorite line:

LONNIE
My nuts! Damn squirrels got my nuts!

Funy stuff, good pisser.

Quoted from RayW I think this was without question, the funniest d@mn thing I've read in probably over a year. Very nice character creation. You could/should consider developing a "F#cked-Up Adventures of Lonnie & Bryar" series. WTH was going on with your submission format? I know you know better. Just trying to thow off the smarty-pants Jr. Holmes' around here? Wrote it on an iPhone? :))

Yeah, Ray, I use Final Draft, but I really wanted to throw people off the trail.  Folks around here are very, very good at spotting regulars during OWCs.  So, I wrote this on Word.  Calling it a rush job would be kind.  It was Friday afternoon and I had an hour, so I spent about twenty minutes cobbling together elements of the story, then I had about 40 minutes to write.  Adjusted the margins as I went along.  I did notice quite a few typos as I wrote, but I kept them in cuz I thought it would work as yet another red herring.  Ain't got time for no page numbers!  Then I had to worry about Don accepting it, because I know he dq'd five or six scripts because they didn't fit the parameters.  Guess this was just horror enough?  Marginally?  

Yeah, maybe I'll revisit Lonnie and Bryar somewhere down the road and see where life has taken them.  Did Lonnie get his tube 'n goobers back?  Did the witch reimburse him for the truck?  Why a fifth poodle?  Why not some other breed?  I know people are on the edges of their collective seats.  Well, they'll just have to wait.

Quoted from Ryan1 Ain't got time for no page numbers!

LMAO!



Keep these two characters.
They're good.
I love how the sins of one result in the punishment of the hapless other. Great stuff. :D

Good stuff, Ryan.

A nice light-hearted read. Enjoyed the two rednecks and their banter. Was expecting something a bit more drastic to happen once Bryar entered that cabin, but I enjoyed the way you closed it.

Nice job sneaking one past Don. I'll bet nobody pegged you for writing this one.

James

My first OWC script and I get a pisstake.  FML.

As a comedy, it was pretty decent.  Laughable lines covering a variety of topics.  Two wacky characters.  A redneck loses his dick.  What's not to love?

As the horror goes, it just wasn't there.


Phil

A fun little pisser. Plenty of talent on display with the dialogue.

And Obamacare doesn't cover witchcraft induced injuries?! How dare...

Never heard it called twig and berries. Or 3 inch skinner.

Not much else to say, except thanks for the fun entry, sorry I missed it during the OWC.

Quoted from jwent6688 Good stuff, Ryan. A nice light-hearted read. Enjoyed the two rednecks and their banter. Was expecting something a bit more drastic to happen once Bryar entered that cabin, but I enjoyed the way you closed it. Nice job sneaking one past Don. I'll bet nobody pegged you for writing this one. James

J, glad you liked it, for what it was.  Haven't seen you around here lately.  I was hoping you entered one yourself, but I know you got your hands full with the feature.  Let me know how that's going.

R

Quoted from dogglebe My first OWC script and I get a pisstake.  FML. As a comedy, it was pretty decent.  Laughable lines covering a variety of topics.  Two wacky characters.  A redneck loses his dick.  What's not to love? As the horror goes, it just wasn't there. Phil

Haha, you just had to click on this one first, you poor bastard.  Glad to see you're up and ornery.  You're right, there was no horror here, so I'm glad it even made it into the mix.  But, good to see the humor worked for you, mostly.    

Quoted from KevinLenihan A fun little pisser. Plenty of talent on display with the dialogue. And Obamacare doesn't cover witchcraft induced injuries?! How dare... Never heard it called twig and berries. Or 3 inch skinner. Not much else to say, except thanks for the fun entry, sorry I missed it during the OWC.

Thanks for the read, Kev.  I think I got yours, right?  If not, let me know.  There were so many this time around it was hard to keep track.

Yeah, I used "twig and berries" to complement the rustic setting ;)

This was a hilarious pisstake. Although readable halfway through (it was clear that the witch was going to have her way with Bryar) I liked this a lot.

As Ray said - a 'Lonnie and Bryar' serious would be great. I could see these two getting in a lot of funny shite.

The writing was good. Dialogue was great. There is nothing more I can really point out that others haven't.

Renee