Forward Then Backward by Twenty-Four - Horror - The isms aren't dead. They're just being concealed. (G) - pdf, format 8)

Well, I'm not going to find out if this does meet the challenge requirements because I'm done after the first page.

Opening passage is very poorly written, sorry to say.  The rest of the page is all dialogue and it comes across as a joke or a pisser.

Naming your character "La Feisty" is just downright odd, IMO.

Martin is a wizard?  This is supposed to be about witches and warlocks.

I don't get a horror vibe here at all, and because of all this, I stopped.

My apologies of this comes off harshly, but this doesn't work for me in any way.

Congrats on finishing a script and submitting to this OWC.

I'm sure this will be more refreshing after I read a few more. But I'm in the mood for witch horror. This was just funny. Actually, some good snippets of dialogue.

Funny witch sitcom., I guess this is what you all mean by pisser. I like the line about the tongue.

I stopped after page 5. Jeff was right, in part. This is very poorly written, but the thing about being poorly written is that that can be fixed. There were several errors that should have been picked up by spell check that weren't, which signals laziness, but overall? A simple clean-up could take care of most of the problems. The story was very uneven, which is a bigger problem. It was very meandering and finally got some semblance of a plot with Martin with the therapist. Still, it wasn't very good. Take some time and make this look really nice then give Martin a more specific goal than trying to keep a girlfriend and you should be all right. Rough as this was to read, I saw effort, which is very important. Now, you just need to nail down the basics.

D.

Hey,

Sorry to say I made it up to pg 5 before I bailed.  It's def not horror.  Reads more like comedy.  And no mention --well, there is a mention -- of a witch.  This guy's a wizard.

Either way it does not seem to meet the criteria.

Congrats on getting it finished though!

Steve

Hey there,

As others have said, this is comedy not horror. So it’s a miss there.

On the plus side, there’s some funny dialogue and I liked what you were going for here even if it didn’t always land for me.  You could develop a knack for dialogue, but you’ll have to edit yourself more. Every character talked too much and went on for long stretches of time when it wasn’t necessary.  

That paired with a number of format issues, such as improper character introductions, made this kinda hard to get through.

Congrats on submitting for the OWC though!

Forward...

Hello Robin, welcome to SS.

Logline - didn't do much for me, but curious as what this is about

Bet to use the present simple, tense so Martin stands in the room, rather than standing
La feisty - never seen that name before, but remember you haven't introduced her as this needs to be in CAPS
To trail off in dialogue use ...  After the last word so for example, 'look I'm...'
The spelling of westfalania changes
Wizard int he bedroom - like that
P2 introduce the GIRL with CAPS
Girl taking rogue under the table - like that
No idea what the E's and soup means
The answer phone should go in brackets below the characters name
What's an OPRF office? Arh I see..
No need of ironic? At the end

Finished

Ok, absolutely nothing to do with horror and a long list of script writing issue, but....I liked it, a lot.

This is like a rough diamond, needs a lot of work but has potential.  If I were you I would focus the script on a couple of locations to reduce production costs, get Martin to learn a lesson as well as the world around him, give him an arc about how outsiders have to handled the folk around them. Add a touch more dimension to him, possibly a pet to talk to and be a sounding board as an alternative to the counsellor. At the end the pet is let free as metaphor.

Look I have to knock you back this is a horror script competition but well done, decent effort and best of luck.

Grade d+

I always like to see new writers take on a challenge. You did alright.

It’s never easy to start writing screenplays what will all the rules, formatting ect…

But you show you have a good start to getting down the basics and that’s very important.

You’d be surprised at how many scripts I read from writers who simply ignore these very basic rules in order to try and convince you of the greatness of their story.

I remember my first OWC…YIKES! It stung but I learned from it as you should as well.

The story (as you’ve already heard) needs work. That’s not to say there isn’t a good story here because there is.

It just needs the time and attention an OWC can’t offer.

I want to encourage you to springboard from the advice given here and re-write this. It deserves it.

And when you do complete a re-write, send it over. I’ll give it a read.

Take care

Shawn…..><

Hmm...bad formatting, spelling, grammar. Pretty sloppy presentation. Have more pride in your work.

Some of this dialog is funny but it's overwritten and buried in repetitive words. Actually throughout your screenplay you are repetitive, not just in the dialog. I'll just address this bit of dialog below.

LA FEISTY
Of course you don’t. Westfalania
it doesn’t exist. However, I didn’t
know this at the time when my
ex-boyfriend broke up with me on
account of the fact that he was
going because he was going to move
there. I even drove him to the airport.
taking advantage of my ignorance of world
geography to break up with me
Now that's creative.Men have invented
countries, diseases and spouses to break up
with me or to get me to break up
with them. Am I hurt that they those men
were dishonest with me? Yes. But I
admire their creativity. This
wizard stuff, not only does it lack
creativity, it doesn’t suit you.
You? A wizard? What are you a
wizard at? You're not a wizard in
the bedroom, I’ll tell you that.
You are Not wizard with your
tongue. You are Not a wizard with
your hands. You are not a wizard!

First off, not everyone watches The Soup. Second, you didn't mention the person's name.

NO camera directions. Only Cap character's name when first intro'd. So many lazy errors, I want to stop reading.  :-/

Pg. 7 - here is a good example of something that could potentially be funny but it's WAY too overwritten. The landlord saying how cool he is could be toned down a bit because as it is, it's obnoxious. Then the next scene, listening to the answering machine message (which isn't even in the ball park for correct formatting) it's also overwritten but the idea is really funny. As is right now...the humor is buried.

MARTIN isn’t so sure he has the jury convinced. Will he get
to live in his home of choice? -- Ugh. Are you asking us this
question? That just doesn't work at all. SHOW us. Show us
with a gesture or expression that he's worried. And don't ask
the reader a question. It totally takes them out of the story.
Same thing with camera direction...takes the reader out of the
story.

The LANDLORD catches sight of an off screen
subject and smirks.--Again, you're telling us this AND
your talking about the camera.

There are many issues here. Formatting, grammar, lazy spelling errors. The story needs
work. We never did see Martin's wizardry. You told us everything, showed us little.

Just keep writing and really important...READ! Read a lot of screenplays! Lots of them!

Congrats on completing something for this challenge.  :)

What's a "negro tall"?
Are you saying that he's a "negro, tall"? Better be "black, tall".
You have to watch the episode of Bewitched where Sam tells Darren that she's a witch. Your short reminds me of it - and it might be educational too.

I didn't like the dialog on first two pages - it's long-winded and I think you can cut a lot from it. But I appreciated the humor on the next two pages. And I get the sarcasm - she's a goth, yet she doesn't want to accept he's a wizard. She believes him as she saw him disappear...

I don't like the montage on p4. Now he's at a shrink (is it a wizard shrink?) and the idea of it is somewhat funny. Their dialog is not so funny though. I think it could be shorter and more humorous.
Their talk with landlord could be shortened too but it's good.

Overall, I really appreciate the idea (unhappy wizard is a funny thought), but I think you better rethink the order of scenes here and rewrite the dialog. The action verbs better be active - he walks, he sits, he "does" instead of "is doing".

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


FORWARD THEN BACKWARDS

Hello.

Sorry, but I have to rip it. I have done that with some others, too.

I hope you know that's an honor of writer, to talk to a writer colleague first off all honestly and the other way round.

The script appeals stressed.

There's fantasy and confidence, but it's dialogue forced, I see no plots, I have no impression what this stands for... missed genre...sorry... Like I said above....You are not alone...

Sigh... another comedy. This is starting to get on my nerves. I can't tell if the writers misunderstood the assignment or just flat out made no effort to write something in the proper genre.

The "not cool" gag made me laugh though. A small blessing.

Otherwise, this wasn't for me. The humor was lost on me and was actually kinda strange. I had a hard time wrapping my head around it. Lots of bizarre references to race as well, which just compounded things.

Honestly, I couldn't figure out WTF this was supposed to be. Blatant comedy though. No attempt at horror whatsoever. No good.

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsBznn8D13zOdGJValQtbHU1LUNPVWQzY0gzajRTTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

32. Forward Then Backward by Twenty-Four - Horror - The isms aren't dead. They're just being concealed.
Brief - Wizard's having a rough time with his girls after he tells them he's a wizard.

Location(s)  - Too many
Cast - Too many
Genre & Marketability - Classic witchcraft = fail. And by pg6 I saw no horror.
Comments  -  Turn off your screenwriting program's mores and continued's feature. Gotta give LA FEISTY and all characters a proper intro. Pg2 classic witchcraft = fail. HOWEVERRRR...
LA FEISTY
Friends? I would like for us to
remain friends.
LMAO! I'll keep reading for a few more pages, but don't get your hopes up. Your format is atrocious, your grammar is appalling, and IDK WTH izzup with your spellchecker, also a fail. Okay, by the end of pg2 you're killing me with all these spot actors and locations. Done @ pg5 for too many actors to pay and locations to coordinate cast & crew to show up at. There's some nice writing here, I just can't afford to shoot this story. Ciao. Too many actors and locations are exactly how you begin to understand the difference between writing pie-in-the-sky stories and stories that are budget minded = likely to be produced.
Script format - Horrendous
Final word - Can't afford + isn't a modern witch story, or even horror for that matter!

     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/      Screenplay Pages
= $      Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks -
Horror -

Ok, I said I'd comment on every entry, so I will, but damn this one was hard to get through. by page 5 - nothing exciting is really happening at all and this continues through to the end. We get told Martin is a wizard over and over, he gets dumped over and over then he moves into a new place and that is about it - we don't really get to see Martin do any magic and there is definitely no horror.

Sorry, but this wasn't for me.

You have a lot to learn, but if you keep at it, you'll get there.:)