Harm None Do As Ye Will by Twenty-Eight - Horror - Even though opposites attract, it doesn't always mean they can live in peace and harmony.  (PG) - pdf, format 8)

Good atmosphere set up early on, and the intent - difference between the two characters is dealt with right off the bat.

I liked the comparisons between the two groups- both chanting etc priest/priestess sermons, drawing in similarities between them - stuff like that works and maybe even highlight that further by having the church congregation doing their happy-clappy bit?

It is short, and there was probably room for a little more development is there.

I did wonder if it would have been more effective if Iris had stayed inside the church?

Good piece of work though for 5 pages. Good on you.

Thank you whoever you are, as this is very well written...for a change.

IMO, it's not horror, though, nor does it even meet the 6 page minimum, so that's 2 strikes in the 3 parameters of the challenge.

But, I do like what I see here for the most part.  Writing's good, characters are well developed, and dialogue sounds good.  I even see some attention to detail and research.

Now, why didn't you just extend this to the 6th page?  I don't get it unless this was a last minute entry, but the writing seems too tight for that to be the case.

All i all, a very good effort, but you missed the challenge requirements, sorry to say.

KUDOS for just five pages....I've only read six shorts so far and I'm getting T I R E D!! So even if as Jeff mentioned it did not meet the challenge...it was a breath of fresh air to me.

Strong writing. I liked the characters...loved the parallels like the chanting and the 'my people' references. Overall...really enjoyed this.

Last one for today...

Like the others I was relieved when I saw the length... and that it is written well.

But in a way, I think this would have worked better if there was a little bit more buildup to the finale. It was a little too sudden, for my taste.

Anyway, I enjoyed this one. The writing and story are really tight for a week's effort. Good job.

Will

Very well done! A smooth ride all the way to the end. No real hiccups in the writing.

The ending was a master stroke. The tension built, not because we wanted to see her end up with Paul...and not because we wanted to save the parishioners...but rather because we didn't want to think of Iris killing all these people.

In most writers hands, the judgmental religious nuts would die in the flames. But the twist here is that they don't...which is very deftly done. My fave so far.

Very well done. I had already predicted the ending, but I still read through and enjoyed it thoroughly. Not bad for a short script. Great work with the descriptions as well. Dialogue flowed through very well. Good stuff :)

Well, the picture on the title page basically reveals who wrote this. Anyway, onto to the script.

The first sentence reads poorly, even if the verb followed the statement. Not a good way to start the script.

The writing had a few stumbles on the first page, but besides that, it was pretty good. I was really enjoying the script but the ending is a little bit of a let down. Like a few other entries, the story isn't rounded and the audience could care less than they didn't accept her into the group, or at least Paul didn't. There needs to be a real resolution and a real kind of achievement. Something that shows some kind of solid change rather "Girl loves someone, this happens, they leave". Does that make sense? Looking over the comments, I seem to be the only one with that opinion though.

This had a lot of potential but requires some extension.

Grade: C

Harm none....

Logline - like that, it doesn't say much about what, where etc but it's provocative

Six pages - love that length, and I promise not to steal it. I like the cover by the way.

Hecate - twice I've seen this name, must be a real one I suppose in that world
Trance like
Bit of a tonal difference with speaking to the dead and a flirty girl in the same scene

Finished

Ok, simple. Her world, his world.

Why did the witch want to speak to the dead? Is that normal? it didn't lead anywhere
I couldn't buy into the church congregation doing that over a pentacle. I can understand one side taking offence at the other but I this didn't work for me.
I didn't really feel why Paul wouldn't back her, especially after his comments about turning up in rags. If he was embedded deep in this community, we didn't see it and that is probably core to pulling this off. Even the addition of his family, accepting the girl into the church etc would have added .
The letting them go at the end was good

Overall simple and focused and with potential.

The idea of clashing worlds is sound, but as written this didn't quite come off for me.

Grade c/c+

This is one of several scripts that displays a case of Carrie-itis.  I've noticed quite a lot of buildings going up in flames and/or hands shooting up from the ground.  But, I digress.  The writing was clean, simple and to the point.  My problem with the script came at the chapel scene.  Exactly what denomination was this?  Some Children of the Corn offshoot?  I simply didn't believe the reaction of the churchgoers as they mobbed this girl.  Speaking in tongues?  Really?    

Some of that dialogue was eye-rolling.  And when Paul says "Harm none do as ye will!! Remember!? You told me that!  Iris!!! P L E A S E!!!"  I know I wasn't supposed to chuckle there, but I must confess I did.  

I liked the concept of this more than the execution, but I do appreciate the brevity.

It's ok.

As for a modern setting, fair enough.  As for the story, this is basically the same story done over and over again.  This was like done hundreds of years ago.  It's as if times haven't changed.  Shame there wasn't a twist on this theme.  Also, I prefer any stories that touch on religion to never be serious.  Not for me.

The one good thing, the title page, really liked that.

All the best,


Javier

For starters, I loved the page length which helped me breeze through this one, and of course because it's well written so well done.

I liked the contrasts in the couple's faith and think this was a good premise to choose for the challenge - probably could have done with a few extra pages (can't believe I'm saying that! ;D) just to ramp home the differences. I do think that the reaction of the congregation was a little over the top and I would have like to have seen Paul a little more conflicted about his stance, he seems to choose his side quite easily - I think the situation should have weighed on him more.

But otherwise, a solid entry.

Good work and congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

I like this a lot. It’s a fairly simply plot, but everything was well-drawn and it was a breeze to read. I liked these two kids and was rooting for them. I felt bad when Iris was humiliated and disappointed in Paul for not sticking up for her. And although the ending was bittersweet, I was glad Iris didn’t burn it all to the ground. I was basically everywhere the writer wanted me to be.

Now was this horror? Eh…

But it was good. Real damn good. Thank you!

A great little piece for 5 pages.

The difference in beliefs was a nice little set up although I thought Paul would have defended her after his God is just happy you showed up speech.

I was hoping the church would burn to the ground just to get the horror effect otherwise there was none

I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this and as usual they didn't disappoint the reading was a breeze

Good job

Mark

Hmm. Well, I liked the setup and the writing overall. I suppose it all fits together well too. Still, it didn't work for me as much as I think it should have. For a supposed horror, it read a little too sweet and perfect. I don't know. Maybe it's just me.

I did like the concept of Pagan and Christian in a relationship together. It's quite great, actually. There's a lot of different directions you could go with it and emotionally, it has resonance. Still, perhaps a little too nice and fluffy in its execution.

The reaction of the preacher and parishioners irked me a little bit. I mean, it was crazy over the top and sort of forced. I wish it could've been toned down some or come out at another time in a different way. Perhaps after the sermon is over and some of the congregation are sticking around to chitchat. If Paul were to introduce Iris to the preacher in a more private conversation, for example. One could certainly build off that.

Overall though, I think it does what it set out to do and it's over in a mere (and most refreshing) five pages. Not bad, I suppose. Still too cute for a so-called horror script though.

A pagan propoganda piece, complete with a wiccan version of the Hippocratic Oath. Pretty cool, and oh-so-modern. No horror to be found though. Still, good job on the premise.

A good little story, but incomplete. There's a scene missing, or the last page needs to be extended a bit to show what Paul does next. His character is in mid-arc, it needs to land somewhere.

Solid writing overall, though I found the church laying on of hands a bit awkward.

Just a bit more would make this satisfying. Give it the ending it deserves.

Good job.

I like this very much, but would have liked much more because it feels like "Horror Lite" right now. Specifically...

Iris started the fires (and ended them) to demonstrate her powers as a witch without harming anyone, but I think the story might have been more horrific if she did many other things too.
Perhaps snakes coming out of the preachers mouth, morphing Paul into a demon, etc. and then return them to normal.

All things considered, quite a story for so few pages.


To any and all:
If you're interested and just for fun, here's a link to 9 Horror Films, each under 9 minutes.

http://theweek.com/article/index/250755/9-horror-films-under-9-minutes?utm_source=Tuesday+10%2F22%2F13&utm_campaign=Gordy%27s+AMA&utm_medium=email

I thought the relationship between Paul and Iris was great.  I took something away from this, and by the end I could completely connect with Iris's feelings.  This is quite crafty for the length and I'm pretty stoked about the juxtaposition between the two.

It shows the motives and feelings behind two beliefs.  Iris was more free and spontaneous while Paul was more reserved and conservative.  What made this come to life was the reaction of both.  I mean, you got Paul who went out of his comfort zone to please someone he loves.  But then we see him attach himself to his Christan family as his comfort zone, which brings out his true feelings toward Iris.

Iris held a more reactive consequence to her betrayal, and it came across just like that -- a reaction.  She didn't force the issue for revenge, but rather emotion.

I respect the techniques here.  Many elements woven through in 5 pages.  Bravo!

Johnny

I could have done without the pentagram on the title page. Always makes me think I'm going to read a rip off of something.
There's another script that mentions Hecate. Isn't that from the bit of Macbeth they usually cut?
The pages did fly by. I though the bit in the church would have worked better if it had happened at the end of the service.
It does lack horror but I liked it.

Interesting piece. Good atmosphere -- although yes, there was more than a tip to Carrie. Would have liked more than just five pages.

Smooth writing -- very easy on the eye.  The idea came across well for the page count though for me the space was there to at least give Michael a little more to make him stand out.  

I guess the message at the heart of this dampened the horror, but you took the road less travelled so kudos for that.

Nicely handled overall, just surprised it wasn’t fleshed out a touch more.

Decent writing - but a very light story here.  And the funny thing...anyone who knows me is aware that I'm *completely* not religious.  Yet the black and white juxtaposition of the "good witches" vs. the "evil" Christians actually bothered me a bit.  It just seemed too simplistic. (With a touch of Carrie tacked onto the end!)  

Still, cheers on submitting to the OWC.  It definitely was a clean read...  :)

--Janet (W)

Oh - and though it's of course a no-no - I liked the Pentagram and the copyright on the title page!

Right off the bat, I like the set up. The shot of suburbia was important to let us know it was modern times. Even though I'm not a huge fan of fantasy, I like that already the script is seeming fantastical. Gives it more of a cinematic feel.

Would like to make a note of good dialogue so far. Nicely written.

Wow this was really well written. Some unfilmables which people may point out, if they haven't already. I personally don't mind them though, think they help the screenplay as long as they aren't too wordy.

Once again dialogue was good, and I liked the ending. Even though it was kind of anti-climatic it fits with the name and shows some character.

This also makes Christian's look pretty horrible, even though the new Pope is pretty tolerant. I am not Christian by the way.

Well done. This was quick, easy and fun read for me.

Not amazing, not horrible. I would have liked understanding why Paul left her to the wolves of the congregation so easily. Was he faking his love for her the whole time?

Couple of structure comments:
Try to refrain from sluglines saying "morning". Stick with Day or Night unless something much more particular about the time is necessary to the story.

One exclamation point is enough 95% of the time - when they are needed at all. Three exclamation points are too much anytime. It was a virtual exclamation point festival by the end, which I found distracting.

Good effort overall.

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


Harm none, do as ye will

Hello!

Not sure about, if you wanted to show a real deep critical view on Christian society or just saw a motive/world for your script here. IMO the time is too short to do such an effort. It's also an old hat. It's safe to write about intolerance inside religion.

In a society critiquing scripts you have to come with some new stuff. Long researches etc. are very important.

It was a good story, no doubt, I've also identified with the characters, good development here,
I did not caught fire, because of the ending sequence. Seen too often. Nothing new.

Solid work

I liked this a lot and it's written very well. I liked the Carrie vibe, but was glad the Paul and the others didn't end up dead.

Although, I have to agree with Jeff when it comes to the challenge - not met.

But great effort in five pages. I definitely felt for Iris. :)

Renee

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsBznn8D13zOdGJValQtbHU1LUNPVWQzY0gzajRTTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

37. Harm None Do As Ye Will by Twenty-Eight - Horror - Even though opposites attract, it doesn't always mean they can live in peace and harmony.
Brief - Free spirit and stick in the mud detonated the opportunity with a cast of thousands!

Location(s)  - Suburb street, forest (burn permit), car interior, church
Cast -
TRICK OR TREATERS 6X
HIGH PRIESTESS, long flowing hair
IRIS, 17
PAUL, 17
Genre & Marketability - Too expensive to cast.
Comments  -  The cover should be nothing but Courier 12pt, all caps title w/o underline, no embellishments. I'm gonna cut that opening scene for budget. Efff meeeee. You know I gotta get the fire dept. out to supervise that sort of bon-fire, right? I'm deducting that cost from your screenwriter's pay. Oh, BITE ME! How much money can you spend on the first GD page?! 3/4 of the way down and we've ditched the trick or treaters, ditched the bon-fire and hippies and Shakespearian high priestess, and have gone to stick-in-the-mud Paul's car. Out on pg3. Blew my budget witha  cast of thousands. Ciao. Too many locations and too many cast members  are exactly how you begin to understand the difference between writing pie-in-the-sky stories and stories that are budget minded = likely to be produced.
Script format - fair.
Final word - Can't afford to produce

     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/      Screenplay Pages
= $      Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks -
Horror -