One Evil Man by Bernard Cummings - Horror - A nurse discovers her terminal patient has more than just a passing interest in witchcraft.  Much more. ( R ) - pdf, format 8)

First read of this OWC.  I will try and read a few this morning but I am to work at 1030 and mightn't get back to the net till tonite or tomorrow.  But I will catch up!

Ok, this one started pretty well. Good imagery, mysterious dude on an agenda. Then it sorta took on a hybrid mix of pure horror, devilry, etc. even seemed like some misplaced comedy in there.

Ended all over the place for me.  The elements are all there for a decent short. It just needs more time. And I understand how last minute work can get out of hand

Cheers stevie

This is written with skill and has a confident pace to it.  The Preacher and Ronald are perfectly despicable characters.  Set up the stakes effectively, with the soul of a baby up for grabs.  I think Carol's abilities as a witch could have been foreshadowed better, rather than just a line of dialogue.  I don't know, maybe  a brief glimpse of a charm she wears or something.  Her elemental battle with Preacher and Ronald was entertaining, although I think Preacher deserved a more fitting demise.  What I really liked is how it ended on a down note.  Way down.  No happy ending.  Evil wins this one.  

I'm with Stevie... this kinda goes all over the place by the end. Too over the top for its own good.

Good job for a week's effort, but it's not for me.

Will

Hello Bernard

Welcome to SS

Logline - quite tidy and an interesting

Curious as to whether the half full parking lot has meaning ?
I would live to see the production issues with having a live baby in a bag - strong scene
Getting a bit expositional during the middle
Ooooh, you do have a way of being foul, licks his finger
Wasn't sold on the carol over powering the two of them, not after the preachers powers

Finished

Ok, a proper horror script with dynamic tension.

Lean writing. A bit stop-start for some, but quite I like it.

I quite like the setting of the hospital but something didn't quite work for me that he is there so the preacher can steal a child. The need for youth is fine, just the set up with being a patient etc as also said, the powers they have makes her fight back a bit unlikely, IMO.

I appreciate we are a bit short on pages but we also light on her story and that is a core element by the end. Wouldn't have taken much to set her up with some desire, characteristics etc to conflict with the drama.

I find judging this type of script harder than most as it's not my thing, I also find these type of scripts lacking in depth, but I accept that's my issue.

Grade c+

This is pretty good.  Sticks to the theme well.  A quick and fairly easy read.

I would say there's never a moment to say nice to meet you to the greaper.  I did like that Ronald referred the reaper as preacher.  I don't get how Carol knew all about Ronald's past, saying he's a killer.  It's odd to know that yet still try to look after him in the beginning knowing this information.

I got the feeling Ronald went from old man to young to old to young.  Seems a little conflict in his body motion to me.  Even though he ends up young, it's his actions beforehand that don't really work for me.

Overall, it was fairly entertaining.

All the best,


Javier

Hmmm. I'm in two minds about this one. There's a lot to like here as it's quite well written, with only the odd typo.
But, there's something missing that makes the end feel a bit unsatifying.
Quite a few good lines, such as the 'steak' line.  

This was entertaining and well written for the most part, but it was predictable and fell flat at the end.

The part where Carol realizes that Ronald is the Reaper is too expositional.

Jordan

Like the title. I'm a big title guy.

After the first page, I already love the pacing. I can tell you are a skillful and practiced writer.

The writing is so crisp, and it reads very quickly. I am enjoying this a lot so far. No "oprhans" that I've noticed thus far (I just learned what those are myself) or mistakes. I thought the introduction of Preacher was effective. Badass.

Although:

RONALD
Oh, that's Preacher, by the way.
Preacher, Carol. Carol, Preacher.
CAROL
Nice to meet you.

I thought this was a bit cheesy to be honest.

But the rest of the dialogue seems pretty smooth to me.

Uh oh, noticed ONE mistake so far: Carol's slumps over on page 8.

I thought this was definitely going to be along the lines of The Skeleton Key, but it's a bit different.

I thought this was really good, but I feel as if it started to dwindle out after the first few pages.

Ronald’s turn from regular patient to warlock would’ve been more impactful if we got a better feel for him in the beginning. He and Carol talk, but I didn’t really get much in the way of character from it.

Pg. 4 “you’re the Reaper” That’s a really good guess. I have no idea how she came up with it.

Pg. 6 “I’m a virgin!” How does she even know that’s important?

Pg. 7 It took me going back over it to realize that Carol has powers too. You might want to make that clearer.

The Preacher’s death played too comically for me. He basically just runs through a window. The image at the end was creepy, but I was still a little confused as to what exactly happened to her. It seemed as though there was a scene missing in the beginning that might’ve explained a lot of my above complaints. If such a scene were written in, this would be a really strong piece.

It’s fairly strong as it is actually. The writing was clear, for the most part. The situation Carol finds herself in is pretty harrowing and I thought the tone was consistent through-out. This is one of the better entries I’ve read so far, I just think the main action could’ve had a better set-up.

Congrats on completing the challenge!

“Who's child is that?” Whose

“Ronald casually opens a suitcase.” What suitcase?

Writing was a little jumpy at a few spots but besides that, it was mostly fine. This was a sound entry but I’m not sure I like the ending, the reader really isn’t left with any kind of fulfilment when the bad guy does indeed win and it was fairly predictable that when she was nursing the baby, Ronald or Preacher would wake once more. I’m not sure if you could’ve gone another route but anything would have been preferable here, this is very dark and a small glimmer of hope might have been nice. Has potential.

Grade: C+

For the most part, this is well written and that in itself is a welcome relief.

Since I only have a few more to go, I'll spend some time on this one, as I do think it deserves it.

Writing - Pretty good - compared to the rest of the OWC entries, easily in the top 10% or so.  You should look into using apostraphes, as there are numerous mistakes here.  Another issue I had, was the way you write in fragments in your descriptions.  Actually, many of these fragments are followed by another fragment, and the 2 could/should be joined by a comma.   But, bottom line, for me at least, is to use a verb in your lines, otherwise it reads as if it's a static shot.  You also often omit your subject in your lines, and again, for me at least, that doesn't look good or read well.  More mistakes, the further in I went, but you may have been pressed for time.

Story - Pretty good.  Again, easily one of the better entries here.  I like how you weren't afraid to go dark.  That always makes for a better and more real read.  I understand this is a short and you only had 1 week, but the story logic probably needs a little something.  You had an extra page to work with and I think it really would have helped early on.  I agree that having Carol victorious, early on is a little hard to beleive, but I loved how you ended jet black and evil.

Action - Pretty good, but IMO, a little over the top when you probably didn't need to go that route.  Battles of this kind have a hokey look to them when filmed and my advice would be to try and stay clear of that, if possible.

Characters - Prety good.  Preacher was the highlight, but saying he's the Reaper was a little weak, IMO.  He doesn't need to be anymore than what he is - a fucking evil killer warlock. Carol is a bit cliche in her good witch role, but she works and the lasting image of her and the baby is excellent.

Overall - Guess what?  Pretty good!  Ha...I said that a bunch of times, but it's true. This is a great effort and easily a top 5 or so contender.  Your wiritng, as I said, turns me off a bit, because it's so simple to combine your fragments and create actual sentences.  Remember, using commas is not a bad thing and actually creates a faster read, because the mind will literally pause on a period, but continue forward on a comma. But overall, your writing is fine and compared to the rest of the entries, it's top 10% or so.

Great work here.  Ballsy effort.  Nice job!

This is close to being great. Some strong writing with great visuals, a consistently dark tone, and good pacing. The dialogue needs work, especially once the three characters are together.

Preacher puts the guard to sleep but he totally shredded that nurse. It struck me as odd, like it should be a character trait but we don't see it again and it isn't required for the story, so that first death just seems gratuitous.

Baby in a bag is good but to be honest I was expecting/hoping to see a bag full of babies. That would have been awesome. Still, you put a baby in a bag, you sick mother-- good for you.

Nice squirm factor with the virginity test. I'm fine with the sickest, vilest, most twisted violence but that made me uncomfortable, which was the point. Good job.

Carol needs more development, not just to make her powers believable but to make her a bit more interesting and sympathetic so her tragic end affects us more.

The O.S. stuff bugs me, I didn't see a point to any of it. Just show us.

All in all one of the better entries. With some touching up and some length to avoid the middle exposition, this could be a great piece. Great job for a week!

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


One evil man

Hello.

I have to apology. I read through, but I could not follow your screenplay. I read some parts 3 times or more, especially the action, but didn't understand what's happening. Sometimes I felt like they're running in circles, when the characters leave a room and suddenly are back at that place.

The most problems I got in the long action scene. I had the impression Ronald was an inpatient. Like I understood he turns out to be something like the master of Preacher, who seemed to me a warlock in Terminator style, what I liked.

If I still get it right at this point, Carol, Ronald, Preacher, have all got witchcrafts. If I still might get it right: Carol has to fight against both. I couldn't recognize who does what to whom. Then they all run in circles, maybe Ronald beamed himself or something.  Crazy stuff.

At least Ronald is young and healthy. He manipulated Carol to be the mother of a devilish child???

I like that you got a lot of fantasy.
I will read the comments above mine. If there are people not as confused as me maybe it was a result of my less language experience. Then I try to print your play out and review it concrete again.
Once again, lot of fantasy inside here, I honored, and you really tried to be creative and witty.

But I cannot follow. That's naturally a catastrophic in film, honestly said.

Writer,
  
Pretty solid effort here.  It moved at a quick pace, was well written and kept me turning the pages.  Carol and Ronald could have been fleshed out some, but Preacher was a bona fide bad ass!  Baby in a bag and the virginity test were highlights for me.  Sick stuff.  As well as the ending image of an evil Carol holding the baby.  The story could use some tweaking, but not much.

Def one of the better reads so far.  Congrats on getting this done!

Steve

Whoa, this had some gory images and ideas.  The very last image of Carol was jaw dropping. The black milk...no mistaking that for chocolate.

Writing was good, works for what it is.  Gosh, this was something else.  I really enjoyed how it opened and I like the sign New Beginnings.

Good work.  Story was somewhat jumpy, but I thought this was very different and edgy.

Johnny

Not my cup of tea, but the writing moves it along at a fast pace.  I like your action lines, very clean, very simple.  So far from the other shorts I have been slugging through paragraph blocks of 4 lines or more and that gets tiresome, making One Evil Man one welcome relief.

Writing’s concise and kept to the point.  Story was dark in tone and unflinching in its delivery -- certainly more horror than most (mine included.)

The Preacher’s initial assault on the hospital had a certain flair and I like the idea at the heart of this; though I wasn't really buying Ronald as this frail old guy.  He could have been drawn as more reliant on the Preacher to help him regain his powers.

My main issue with this was in Carol’s role.  She’s a nurse, who happens to be a witch (or so I have to assume) who happens to be tending to a supernatural being.  I think a stronger connection between her and Ronald (e.g. her watching/waiting for him to make his move) could have tied this together into a neater delivery.

Other than that a quick and entertaining read.

Hmm. This was an interesting script. A little uneven and at times cliche but I liked where it ended up. Sort of reminded me of The Exorcist 3. That film's sort of riding off the coattails of a better film in a sense but is also sort of its own thing and has some cool dark moments.

I thought this was also pretty well written, more or less. My focus was on the story. I didn't get jammed up anywhere from a technical perspective; it flows nicely overall.

Some weird descriptions early on though. You have not one but two characters who are supposed to look older/younger than the ages you give them. This threw me off. My initial instinct, for example, with Ronald was to picture him in his 60s. That's not the same as a weathered man in his 50s, which, based on the way you've described this dude, suddenly becomes sort of difficult to picture. Honestly, I'd have written him as older like late 60s/early 70s if only for the sake that it'd be creepier once all the stuff with the baby starts to happen.

Preacher was the same. I start to picture him in his 30s then have to second guess myself. These are things that take one out of the story. BTW, why does Preacher knock out the cop but kill the nurse? Why wouldn't he just kill both? Dude's got an issue with consistency.

The dialogue comes off a little corny once we get into the thick of things, e.g. "Give the girl a prize" or "He's got a way with words, does he not?" I'd be careful with the one-liners. Honestly, characters like Preacher are a safer bet when they're just a stone cold, emotionless badass who doesn't say much. When you try to give them too much clever dialogue, you either hit the mark or miss it. Not much there by way of in between.

Anyway, once we get these three characters together, the plot starts to come out... and honestly, I couldn't really follow it. I get there's some kind of evil ritual going on involving innocent blood but how's it supposed to work? First, Ronald wants to kill the baby then Carol takes its place... but he doesn't kill Carol. He also refers to the baby as "my boy." If Carol really took its place, wouldn't it just be a regular baby again, no consequence to him?

I mean, I didn't really care when all was said and done. The ending was awesome. The black milk was kvlt as fuck, to borrow a phrase from the metal world. But still, this is the kind of story you'd want to make sense. As of now, it doesn't seem to have much logic to it.

I think Carol in particular needs a lot of work. I mean, just look at her arc. She goes from hapless nurse to virgin to witch (I guess?) to demon queen (or something...) all within 10 pages. That's some serious twisting, my friend. Not sure I get it especially if she's supposed to be a virgin sacrifice but somehow knows dangerous witchcraft.

Also wasn't a fan of the title. Too simple. Doesn't sound like a real film.

Anyway, not a bad effort overall. Just needs some work.

This is probably the only one I've read that has a real balance between witchcraft and horror that I liked.

I liked the battle between Carol and the others - that at least gave her some oomph before the end.

Although I didn't actually really like the story itself, everything including the ending worked in this piece (if you get me).

The writing flowed, easy read, good job :)

Renee

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsBznn8D13zOdGJValQtbHU1LUNPVWQzY0gzajRTTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

40. One Evil Man by Bernard Cummings - Horror - A nurse discovers her terminal patient has more than just a passing interest in witchcraft.  Much more.
Brief - Hospital setting - pass

Location(s)  - Hospital
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
Antagonist(s)  -
Genre & Marketability -
Comments  -  Hospitals and medical facilities are among the most difficult places for a filmmaker to get permission to film in.
Script format -
Final word - Pass

     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/      Screenplay Pages
= $      Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks -
Horror -

I like the CONCEPT of this one...there's so much that can be done with it.  And the writer did go in the right direction with the setup, through to the end.  The writing?  A little too stilted to my mind, although that very well could be due to the one week limitation.  A bit of more time to polish, and that could be easily fixed.  My main concern with it  - that a bulk of the story deteriorated into a generic fight sequence.  There's so much more dread, and creepiness that could be built up, if the writer went more subtle (and a bit more verbal with it.)

In other words, I think this one has solid potential, and ended on a great (dark) note.  But the middle of it missed the mark.

Cheers,

--Janet (W)

Steve

Nice little horror you got here. I notice how you like to sprinkle some comedy lines:
RONALD
Oh, that's Preacher, by the way.
Preacher, Carol. Carol, Preacher... I laughed(but I like comedy anyways).

The preacher was pretty badass and has wicked ending with the nurse/witch.
Some good scenes... the virginity test, the baby in a bag, snapping the nurse's back

Overall you're a strong writer and I like your work.

I'll read some of your other work later this week.

Mark

Thanks a lot, Mark. This one was pretty well received--finished 8 out of 50 or so entries. Of my shorts this is the one I'd rewrite, if only to take out the choppy start and stop action passages, and make them flow better. I work in a hospital so it wasnt hard for me to figure out where to go with this one, although one commenter (forgot who at the moment) pointed out it'd be a bitch to film because medical facilities are among the hardest to get permission to film in. I understand it.

And I must admit i get a guilty pleasure when people compliment me on how messed up this one was!   ;D ;D

Steve