Coitus of the Week by Zack Van Eyck - Short, Comedy - It’s “sex as a televised sport” as two professional “sex-aletes” compete, in bed, in front of a live audience in this sports-broadcast parody.  Two female roles, 25-35.  Three male roles, 30, 35 and 45.  Shot entirely in a backyard with garden setting.  Comedy, 15 pages.  Writer has produced feature credits. 16 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey, Zack.

The good news is, you seem to have grasped the writing part of a script just fine. The formatting is tip-top, the action lines are clear and concise, the dialogue seems natural for the most part, though it is a little long at parts, but that's not really much of a big deal.

However, what really pains me, is the story. I get it. It's a pun-filled, OTT script mocking the porn industry (at least I hope so). I'm not saying it wasn't funny, because at points, it was, in fact, it really got me chuckling. It's just the story is so generic and frankly immature. It feels like it's coming from a sexually-frustrated 13 year-old. You clearly have a knack for writing parodies/spoofs. So why not write something on politics or religion - something that has a meaningful social commentary. I'm willing to bet you could just as easily write something like 'In The Loop' as easily as you wrote this.

I was gonna suggest something like Shame, if you insisted on writing about sex. But, to be honest, I think you're capable of writing some really witty, funny material.

Please take my comments on board as I'm not having a dig at all. I can see you have talent, and dumbing yourself down like this isn't gonna help anybody.

Again, this is just my opinion. Others could absolutely love this kind of stuff. So, don't let this stop you writing. Take solace in the fact that the only problem is the plot, and take even more solace in the fact that this could be fixed easily. By the way, I did read to the end, so take a triple serving of solace in that.

Keep writing and have fun! :)