Metro by Deidre - Short, Drama - The relationship between a mother and daghter is explored and intertwined with their daily journey's on the metro. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

I've been attempting to write my first feature but have found it a lot harder than I imagined. I've decided to work on a few shorts in the meantime for a bit of practice so thought I'd have a look on here for an idea of how to write them.

This was a quick, enjoyable read. The formatting looked ok as far as I know, action lines nicely spaced out for the most part (a couple of lengthy ones) and most of the dialogue felt natural.

A few things to point out.  The odd spelling mistake. 'Katya is testing on her phone' - texting. 'Katya reaches into her back and pulls out a letter' - backpack. I also noticed a few full stops missing. 'Grace is jumping up and down on the seat beside her' should be 'Grace jumps up and down on the seat beside her' (I think).

One line of dialogue that got to me 'Yo man , get the fuck out of my face'. It felt unnatural, I've never heard anyone start a sentence with 'Yo man'.  'Get the fuck out of my face' would have been fine. I would of went with something along the lines of 'What the fuck are you playing at'.

The fact that a man would shoot someone over a little argument is a bit unrealistic. But then again I've seen a fight break out over a pack of rizla  before, so if it's in an area where gun crime is common I suppose it could happen.

The change in the mother after the shooting was clear, it's too easy to let things like work get in the way of the important things in life. Overall I enjoyed it and only 7 pages which is a bonus (I'm not the quickest reader in the world).  Best of luck.

Kyle.

First off I don't agree with Kyle's comment on that bit of dialogue. "Yo man, get the fuck out of my face. To say it's unnatural is a bit of stretch. I'm assuming this story takes place in New York? I think I seen UNION STATION in there somewhere. If so, than that line seems pretty natural to me. I'm sure else where too. Shit, I"VE said that line before.

And I also wouldn't change it to, "what the fuck are you playing at"...really dude? THAT line is unnatural, at least to me.

As for your story, few hiccups in grammar...Your slugs are also wrong.

You got...INT.METRO.DAY

should be INT. METRO - DAY

And also throughout your script you leave a space between your comma's and question marks.

GRACE
Pinky promise ?

Should be...

GRACE
Pinky promise?

Little stuff.

Also what is...Shoulder of whiskey? I'm pleading ignorance here. I never heard that expression before. Like a flask?

Also you log line seems a bit off for your story. I'm not exactly sure you can say explored and intertwined. I didn't see much exploring with characters. (Mother and daughter). For that to be justly characterized as that. I get the mother's change at the end. The appreciation of life and family, and how quickly it can be taken from you. But I guess since the daughter was so young, for me there wasn't much substance there.  Just my two cents.

It felt like there could have been something more.

Overall I actually enjoyed it. It was warm and light hearted. A deviation to what I typically read.

So good job, best of luck

Marcello

I should of probably noted I'm from the Uk. I've haven't heard people speak like that here. I should of taken into consideration that people speak differently all over the world. A lot of people from around here, especially cities like London use words like 'Bruv' and 'Fam' which would probably sound strange to different cultures. Didn't mean to offend. And 'what the fuck you playing at' is also a common saying from where I'm from.

Again enjoyable read, didn't mean to come across as a tool.

Kyle

Sorry to say, but I actually stopped reading by the first page. As Marcello said, the slugs are wrong and then there's those spaces before the comma and question marks, not to mention the random missing full stops.

I don't know what it was about it, but it just felt kinda half-assed. Stuff like... 'Grace
gets off the bench and starts running around.' It just seems bland and unenthusiastic. You could instead say 'Grace HOPS off the bench and begins to play'. Maybe not the best example, but you catch my drift (I hope).

Other stuff like the constant 'is sitting' can just as easily be replaced for 'sits'. It just adds to the flow of the script.

KATYA
Grace , come here right now.

That line actually made me laugh. It's just so... blunt, and robotic? Would you really say that to your 4 year old kid who's innocently playing? I know she's playing by the tracks, but still.

I'm sorry but it just looked like a script that had hardly any effort put into it. Improve upon the things myself and others have said, and who knows, you may have a decent piece of work here. Keep writing. :)