Pendulum by Mark Anthony Karam - Short, Drama - An old man with terminal cancer is reassessing his life when a young volunteer potentially has the key to his happiness. 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Mark.

So your first few opening passages are really thick with unnecessary detail.  Also a few unfilmables.  We can't know if Michel is the type that "never goes a day without combing his hair".  That's something you'll have to illustrate with action.  Same goes for Rania who "has difficulty juggling all the responsibilities in her life".

Done with page 1 and this is more along the lines of a novel than a script.  Scripts are all about what we see and hear.  Characteristics and traits should be illustrated through action and dialogue so that we arrive at those conclusions on our own instead of you flat out stating it.

You've also got a lot of little details cluttering up this opening page.  I think of these little details like a seasoning to a dish:  a little will spice things up but a lot will ruin the entire thing.  That's how I look at it though others may disagree.

That's what I've got so far.  The beauty of scripts is in its simplicity and I think with a little practice, you'll do fine.

Johnny