The Walking Dead: "Hunted" by Lindell Gross - Series, Horror - Based on the best selling comic book series by Robert Kirkman--Rick and the group realize that the dead aren't the only ones ravenous for human flesh. 49 pages - pdf, format 8)

Sorry, Lindell, but I had to get out on the first page. I'm not really a fan of fan writing as I personally think it shows unoriginality and it usually is just bad. I'm afraid this was no exception.

You tell us that the bullet whips through trees and foliage, but I see no slug telling us that we're in a forest or some woods. Slugs are IMO, one of the easiest things to get right in screenwriting.

You also specify the bullet flies at 1200 mph. I'm pretty sure 'the bullet flies through the air' would suffice. The audience doesn't know what 1200 mph looks like, so it's a kinda redundant detail.

Then, when you finally do do a slug, not only is it wrong, but it's used completely incorrectly...

'MICHONNE - DAY'

Slugs are meant to tell us if we're inside of outside (INT. and EXT. respectively), where we are (as in location) and whether it's day or night (you did do this correctly). Michonne isn't a location, she's a person. I hope you can see what's wrong there.

You go on to tell us in a description line that we're in a forest. This is meant to be in a slug. So that would be...

EXT. FOREST - DAY

If after all that, you still don't know how to correctly format a slugline, I'd suggest some serious reading up of screenplay formatting.

And then there's this...

RICK
hits the ground and CRAWLS towards

MICHONNE
she lays near a tree; blood coming out of her shoulder,
MOANING, maybe dying...

I have no clue why you've put Rick's name above the rest of the sentence. That whole segment should also be in one description paragraph.

I'd suggest reading some other people's scripts, whether that be by professionals or other budding screenwriters. This will highlight all that you are doing wrong. Getting more involved could also boost the amount of reviews you'll get too.

Hope this helped.

  

It's appreciated my friend. And thank you for taking the time to review the script.

Also, maybe you could post up some links to your own scripts. That way I can see how teleplays are really done, bud. Once again, thank you in advance.

-L.G.

You need to have a full slug before each new scene.  Other than that, your formatting is correct.  The Walking Dead is a hot TV spec right now.  Kinda in the middle of other reads at the moment, but maybe I can get to it next week.

Good luck,

Johnny

Thanx, Johnny. I actually read the Wildfire script by Glen Mazzara and the pilot by Frank Darabont, they both use this similar formatting. All in all, I hope you enjoy it, my friend. It's always love!!

I never read a Walking Dead script before, but I'll give you some advice.  You want to try and imitate the structure and characters as much as possible.  Also, don't write in any revelations that can affect the mythology of the show.  But writing a TV spec to add to your résumé, it's best that you follow sound script formatting when showcasing it.  Folks looking to hire TV writers want to see you can write, and your chances of writing for Walking Dead are.. well zero.

Great points. Although I wasn't looking to actually write for The Walking Dead, I just thought I would get some practice writing a teleplay as I've never written one before, LOL!! It's difficult but it was fun and I will definitely take heed to your advice.

Hi, Lindell.

I stopped at page 20. I don't mind to read further but thinking that this one definitely need a rewrite.
THe reason is not the way you decided to start with capped names - it actually reads pretty well for me. The whole thing was well written, I think - I didn't get lost, didn't trip on the writing and that's enough for me.

But the thing is - I didn't connect with it emotionally. The challenge for Rick and his group was another set of walkers. It's nothing new. I think you have to introduce the drama.
Or maybe you do, but not in the the first 20 pages. The part where Donovan tells them that someone bit him and it's not a walker does not add to drama. Rick and his group might just leave, instead he gets angry and wants to know who bit him.

I don't think Rick would be interested in a group of crazy people. Neither would he be interested in looking after them. He and his group would just go back - that's all.
So maybe, you ought to introduce a reason for him to get interested in those "lurkers". Give him a reason to want to fight him. They bit one of his own... or maybe they know Rick's camp... - one of these solid reasons to make him want to find them.

Still, it wouldn't read very dramatic - I guess because none of those who we know are faced with taking decisions. They need to kill of one of their own... or let one go... - just like in the real series.

Thank you, Khamanna, that's actually a good idea. It would be more emotional if it was one of the characters we know so well. I appreciate that and I'm going to try that for the re-write. And thanks for taking the time to read it, too.

A few things, and some folks may see them as nit-picky...

1. While capping action is a stylistic choice and there's no rule saying not to do it, I think you overdo it to the point where it becomes disruptive and messes with the flow of your story.  Just sayin'.

2. This being a TV spec, there are certain things which are expected.  For one, you're missing END TEASER.  And each new act should start on a new page.  Even if the previous act ended with 3/4 of empty page beneath it.

3. No need to use TITLE CARD.  A show's title and credit sequence always appears after the teaser; no need to point out the obvious.  Just go END TEASER, then start a new page with ACT I.

3.  I think you're overdoing the mini-slugs.  They're perfectly acceptable, but like capping all your actions, they're disruptive and make for a stuttery read.  Again, a stylistic choice, but no necessarily a wise one.  

4. You're using a lot of passive verbs.  "Darryl is in a crouch," such and such "is" doing this, someone else "is" doing that.  Try using active verbs instead.  "Daryll crouches," that kind of thing.

5. Don't over do "reveals" or "revealing."  Personally I don't think you need it at all in the teaser.  That's like writing "we see."  You don't need to announce that you're revealing something.  Just reveal it.

Something else to keep in mind.  When you're writing a spec for a TV show, you don't want to write anything game-changing.  Don't kill off series regulars, don't attempt to make drastic changes to the world the show takes place in.  I wouldn't even risk injuring a character, as you do with Michonne.  You're not the show runner; such things are not your call, and chances are the folks whose show it is will see it as an insult, like you think you can do their show better than they do.

Introduce a threat or story element, sure, but make it something that will be dealt with by the end of your spec.  Because what a show runner really wants to see is that you know the characters, that you know the rules of the world the show exists in, and that you're capable of executing a dramatic story -- not how willing you are to change or alter the very elements of the show which make it successful.  The first episode of the latest season is a good example as it pertains to Rick and the woman he follows through the woods.  It's an intriguing storyline with a powerfully dramatic ending, but by the end of the episode it's all wrapped up and no changes have been made to the status quo.

Good luck.  Keep writing. :)

- Lon

Great advice, Lon. Thanks.

Starting from the beginning, walking dead doesn't use CGI like that. Following a bullet. At least not that i can remember. Plus, michonne (butchered spelling) getting shot alters the show dramatically and that's not what you're supposed to do when writing for a pre existing show. Everything is supposed to end with all the characters left just the same as they came in, just a new experience. And even that experience can't alter the universe the creators have made, like finding a person who's been bitten but hasn't turned. Just keep that in mine when writing these... I forgot what they're called. Lol. It's been a while... specs? No, that's a new show.i think....

7 - There's a lot of almost falling and grabbing on to something at the last second. That would look a bit comical on screen. And again, people don't grab at other people in mid air and actually catch them in real life. That's just in action movies. I don't think the Walking dead would do that. But maybe they have and I just forgot...

9 - white boy? Has Michonne ever spoken like that? I've only watched each season once so forgive me for my ignorance. I just can't picture it. And I don't think Michonne smiles with anyone but Carl.

10 - Rick wouldn't have Carl fire the warning shot at people. That implies Carl has the power to take their lives, which Rick wouldn't have.  But I like the name "Lurkers"

12 - Cool ass trap!

13 - Again, with the drop and catch. Will there be any more? Let's read on...

15 -  Don't say she's sliced in bloody chunks because that implies she's already dead, in a mound of body parts. But again, the tap would be cool and very disturbing to watch. She should still be alive, screaming for rick to save her, and he's telling her to stop moving, but she keeps on and the wires keep cutting deeper in her and then eventually she dies. Maybe Rick even finds a way to cut some of them down but by the time he finishes, she's already dead.

Why do they keep saying "mister"? Are they 10 year old kids from the 60s?

17 - The whole swinging from a rope into a random river with Carl shooting the rope was hard to believe, but I went with it. but ALLIGATORS?! You do realize the WAlking dead works on a budget, right? You get ONE big zombie scene an episode and that's it unless we're talking about a season finale here. Putting alligators in, CGI or not, will crank up the budget. I'll read, purely out of curiosity.

19 - Daryl, you still got that net? - Rick wouldn't see the big ass net Daryl has been lugging around? And plus, Rick would not try and get some random ambulance, without confirming that his SON, Michonne and Tyrese were all right. And wouldn't they raid it for the supplies first? And why would Faith's brother STILL be in his medic clothes? You said he was a medic, so I figured he was still wearing the uniform.  I mean, did the guy wash the same clothes over and over again? An unlimited amount of medical clothes that fit him? or is he just a dirty guy and has been wearing these clothes for the past year? I'm just kidding. You just didn't think of that.

21 - Okay, I'm done. You know how to structure a script, and I can see your voice, but you don't understand pacing. Well at least in this example. You're 20 minutes in and you've already had like 4 action scenes. That wouldn't happen in the walking dead. The show is a drama, not an action. You're making it something it's not. There has been no down time whatsoever. There is a LOT of dialogue in the walking dead. You hardly have any.

I just scrolled down the script and read sporadically and you definitely have an action script on your hands.

Even if there was all this action, we would be told a B story set in the prison where a psychological problem was going on, or an issue with food, and that's why the group was out hunting. Basically a break between all the action.

Study the characters. Write what the show IS, and not what you want it to be. But Keep writing.