The Rogue by Justin Murphy - Thriller, Spy - A rogue double agent for the FBI and CIA investigates corruption within his own government. 63 pages - pdf, format 8)

Justin,

I didn't make it very far into this one because everything felt stale and unnatural.

As I go:

• Your logline refers to The Rogue as a double agent for the FBI and CIA.  Is he an agent for both?  Who is he a double agent for?
  
• Pg. 1  You need "FADE IN:" on the top left.
  
• Pg. 1  How old is THE ROGUE?
  
• Pg. 1  The Rogue needs a name.  I doubt that people in his life refer to him as, The Rogue.  I know a guy who likes to be called "Python" but his name is Thaddeus.
  
• Pg. 1  I thought this was a comedy when I saw "THE GEORGE BUSH CENTER FOR INTELLIGENCE", but to my surprise, that place actually exists.
  
• Pg. 1  Why is The Rogue tiptoeing out of the building one step at a time?  Wouldn't that look more suspicious than just walking out?  Why do you need to say he does it "one step at a time"?  Would anyone tiptoe two steps at a time?  Does he have a black mask covering his eyes?  This whole shot is comical.
  
• Pg. 1  You don't need to tell me that what The Rogue is about to say is a "wisecrack".  If you write it well enough, I'll know it's a wisecrack.  Also:  George H. W. Bush is who the complex is named after.  Not the simpleton, George W. Bush.
  
• Pg. 1  How do I know that the beautiful blonde is The Rogue's sister?  As I see it on the screen I don't know if it's his sister, his girlfriend, the girl whose picture comes with the frame.  Your telling me something here, not showing me.  Remember:  Show, don't tell.
  
• Pg. 1  The line, "It’s been over a decade since I lost you and it doesn’t get any easier..."  is way too on the nose.  You might as well say, "On December third, in the year of our lord, twenty hundred and three, you my sister, The Chiseler, were taken from me, The Rogue, in a mysterious circumstance shrouded in mystery, thus causing me, The Rogue, heartache from which there is no escape, from said heartache."
  
• Pg. 1  Why doesn't anyone have a name?  The Rogue, FBI Agent #1, #2, Shadowy Figure #1, #2, CIA Cadet, Dark Voice, The FBI Director.  They might as well all be named Actor #1 thru Actor #60.
  

That's enough for now.  

You need to step outside of your own mind and read this with fresh eyes.  There are a lot of things that I'm sure make perfect sense in your mind, but unfortunately, I can't read your mind.

Jordan

I too, didn't get very far. Without repeating what Nomad has touched upon, I'll offer some pointers...

- Page 2 : 'Smiles at her.' I know it's 'The Rogue' smiling at the agent, but just specify it's him smiling at her. It makes no sense on it's own. You do this again with 'Shrugs'. Although, in this case, I don't even know who shrugs.

'Waves his hands at The Rogue, symbolizing he has washed his
hands of the investigation.' - I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure minor actions like these are little things the director puts in, or the actor improvises. But you managed to take up 2 lines with it?

I think Nomad got it spot on. It may make perfect sense to you, but it's far from making perfect sense to us.