Murder In Texarkana by Justin Murphy - Thriller, Political - The grandson of a deceased private eye investigates the murder of a divorced Muslim couple. 63 pages - pdf, format 8)

Ok, Justin.

First off, the slugs are wrong. It shouldn't be...

'INT.--JOHN CALEB HALVORSON’S ATTIC--DAY'

It should be...

INT. JOHN CALEB HALVORSON'S ATTIC - DAY


Slugs are pretty easy things to get right. I don't know if you genuinely don't know how to format them or if you were trying to be fancy, but formatting is generally non-negotiable.

'GARY HALVORSON opens a trunk belonging to his grandfather, JOHN CALEB HALVORSON, three items in its proximity.'

Proximity is to be near something. If three items are in proximity of the trunk, they wouldn't be in it, they would be around it. IMO, using fancy words doesn't make a script any better, especially if these words are used in the wrong context.

The first page was kinda tacky too. Who talks to themselves in an attic? A loony, that's who. Gary's running commentary over the trunk-opening just made me take the whole thing less seriously.

'Shakes his head in disbelief.' - I guess it's not much of a big deal, but why not just specify that it's Gary shaking his head. The 'in disbelief' bit was kinda redundant too. Shaking of the head is commonly associated with disbelief so I'd just trim that off.

I'll be happy to pick up on some more things if you'd care to turn up. This week, you've posted 2 scripts, and I don't think I've seen you comment on or review a single other script - at least not in the past month that I've been a member. People are going to feel less inclined to review your script if they know they're not going to get anything back.

Hope this helped.

There is another script by Justin Murphy posted in Drama with the same opening slug, and the same character, this time examining a different one of the three items in the box. I would guess this is part of a trilogy? That other script has the line "The third item in this trunk remains irrelevant at this point," that will make it seem stranger than this. And this script is strange! I did get a chuckle from ”I, John Caleb Halverson, of sound, mind, and body ..." like it was a funk band.

Justin, if you are here, take Levon's advice. It's all good, and it's just the beginning.

Thanks for being honest -- the reason for my not responding sooner was that I was finishing another book and did not have time to register until now. And I do apologize.

With the exception of The Rogue, all of these are based on my books. The feedback I often get is that I am a very good storyteller, yet come up ''short'' in regards to the technical aspects. With more recent criticisms, I have also been told that my narrative flow with novels and short stories is very good and a couple readers even said a recent novel of mine was very visual. However, any attempt at screenplays still lacks in the ''technical'' department.

Here at SimplyScripts, I do have one more film adaptation on the way entitled ''Perfect Child, Imperfect''. Also, have a couple TV scripts coming -- one is a TV spec for the hit A&E series ''Bates Motel'' and the other is a spec pilot I wrote entitled ''Dark Secrets of Main Street'' also based on my books.

If you are interested, my books are available on Amazon Kindle. Thanks again, your feedback is appreciated! BTW the book versions themselves are not apart of trilogy, but I wrote it that way with the scripts, so they'd be more of a ''sell''.