Die Bieber Die - OWC - Print Topic

Slightly amusing, I really liked the 'wormhole on Craigs List' gag. I was a bit concerned with the pop culture references, but the whole Dakota Fanning discussion paid off in the end....even if some of Fred's friends are into Twilight (although it's played like a joke). I do, however, take some issue with Bieber's parents being drug addicts.

On a tech level, It isn't needed to BOLD characters on intro; the CAPS take care of that. Cheetos is a brand name. Only once did I see the C capped.

Not bad in the OWC.

Note: Voivod is from Canada. They would be the kind of music your protag might listen to. So to kill "all music Canada" would include this...and classic rock from Rush, Helix, Triumph, and April Wine for that matter.

Not bad, made me laugh a couple of times. Some minor issues with grammar, but the laughs were enough to carry me through.

There doesn't seem to be many entries so who knows this could be a winner.

I liked the inventiveness with this one also, couple that with the laughs and this is a pretty decent entry.

Well, this is pretty close to pisser territory, IMO.

Although funny at times, overall, I don't really get it or get much of anything out of this.

Writing-wise, not good. Very poor use of Slugs. Other technical miscues. Awkward phrasings often. Poor grammar, etc.

I'm not sure if this is a serious attempt or not, but overall, I guess it's accepatble for what it is.

COngrats on entering this difficult OWC.

That had funny moments and met the OWC parameters nicely. The only thing for me was Fred talked out loud a lot, in real life people rarely talk about what they are thinking. Lol, I'm fine with the wormhole on Craigslist but not the character talking to himself to explain things to the audience! Suspension of disbelief is weird isn't it?

Congratulations on getting this done.

I think I have to re-read the rules thread...

Do all of these have to have long talky scenes explaining how to time travel?

Boring. I'm out on page 6.

--Steve

Page 1 through me off a little with Fred jumping up and running for the house. IMO, if he was that drunk that he decided to sleep on the grass then the sprinklers wouldn't just miraculously make him sober. He would still stumble to the door, if not just sleep through it.

Sorry to say, I wasn't really fond of both the parents coming into the bedroom either - that scene kind of felt off too. Not both parents, maybe one - probably the mom, would work better.

The rest of this flows more smoothly as a comedy. If you take it in the light heartened sense that it's meant to be, it's a fun read and sticks to the guidelines. I liked how the whole switching thing didn't work - it ties everything in nicely together.

Good job :)

Renee

This one really didn't do anything for me. You tried to elicit chuckles in the beginning, but it mostly fell flat. Then, once you got into the actual time travel, the script just fell apart. The clever script you were trying for gave way for something that took itself a little too seriously and lost most of the enjoyment as a result.

D+.

Funny stuff! It's not a pisstake just a pretty good comedy.

Some great lines in here. This is my early favorite. I honestly think it's cool

That happened. And with that title I had to check it out. You knew it too. You knew we'd read it.

And you know what I had some fun with it. It was totally goofy. It reminded me of BE KIND REWIND and BILL & TED. I loved your machine. You had a few good bits of dialogue. But your final payoff needed to be bigger. Maybe they meet him when younger and a rising star. Abduct him, introduce him to bad influences. And have all the ridiculous failed attempts at killing him as time corrects itself. Like Home Alone with the murder of bieber.

A funny spoof on the ridiculous aspects of time travel.

Second OWC.  Though not a thick plot, bore terribly good, I enjoyed it a lot.  Nice dialogue at parts, a few lines made me chuckle, I got a feel for both John and Fred.  The comedy was good, but as others have stated, it didn't do anything for me other than offer me a few good laughs.

The writing could have been better.  Slugs weren't great.  I liked the ending though, real smart, gave me a laugh.  Story wise it's dumb, writing wise it's okay, comedy wise it's really good IMO, anyway.

At least you entered a OWC.  I didn't even get that far!

I'm with bfly on this - weak start, but once into it, it was funny enough, straddling p$sser territory. I like'd the parents as addicts angle, and the cardboard wormhole -- a lot of the dialogue between John & Fred worked well too, Dakota's face, don't say ok, and the guys within ten miles. An easy read as well.

This was a half and half for me. I found bits funny while other parts felt as if they were trying too hard. The story is simple but I personally think it does work, the bumbling basement dwellers trying to create a time machine and buying wormholes from craigslist. It's stupid but it's fun.

There just needs to be a little more work on the individual scenes themselves, they don't feel right and I suppose this is one of those moments where the simplicity brings the read down. There's just not enough meat here. But good effort regardless.

This was a simple and silly tale so I took it as such.

My first thought early on was that there was no way these two dips were going to be able to make a time machine. I thought it might work better if they just happened across one and can’t think of anything better to do with it.

But then there was the ‘wormhole on Craigslist’ gag. That was my favorite part here so…

There were some unnecessary lines (“white kids talk like they’re ghetto”) and I thought you could’ve just chopped off the first couple scenes and started in the morning. But over all there was a good set-up and payoff with the Dakota Fanning joke and I laughed a few times along the way. (I actually think your method of time travel is about as realistic as anyone's) :P

Congrats on completing a OWC.

The title reminds me of a scripts by my buddy Dave called, die fluffy die

It seems slapstick so let's see

Yup, it's slapstick.

Comedy in an OWC is a tough sell. I've tried it twice, not good.

I liked it when they spoke ghetto, word, but the rest did seem to meander . As you mention in the script the idea of killing a baby doesn't really appeal, perhaps the plan could have been something else.

The twist should have been stronger with the parents and sister since that was the driver.

In general you took two pages to get to the discussion, I think that needs to be a little quicker, possibly.

The idea of going back to change something that annoys you, poor music, fake celebrity etc actually seems a sound basis for a farce type script.

All the best

Okay - I actually liked this damned thing a lot more than I thought I would, based on first glimpse at the title.

Dangerously close to a pisser, it's really not - just an intentionally silly time travel tale. And there are a lot of very fun lines in this: No-one is Coolio, Wormhole on Craigslist, the Cheetos bit, etc.

Not sure that there's all that much to go into re: analysis, here. But the story even pulled together the loose ends it created in a cute, ironic way. So yeah - as a straight up goofy story, I liked this. Kudos. Probably one of my top five-seven... :)

Funny stuff. Buying a "wormhole on craigslist" is genius! You did a nice job setting up the story with an amusing payoff at the end.

The writing for the most part was good, especially for 10 days. You should be proud of that. Not much I can say that others haven't already touched upon but you did a great job.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

A title that certainly attracts the eye. A couple of funny lines now and again. Some of them did make me laugh out loud.

It could have been done a lot quicker and tidier for what it was. Still, there were some pretty funny idea here that made me smile.

Cute title - something I've wanted for a while so this should appeal.

Characters bolded on first intro? That's a new one, but in saying that, I'm sure I've seen another author do that this OWC... possibly a new trend.

"Plenty of time." For what I wonder?

"He sits down on his bed," What happened to the swan dive?

"In a moment he is sound asleep." Very awkward.

Ha! Fred's parents kinda hate him, or at least take the mickey out of him.

"in an old office chair." In?

"he ain't no Coolio." Who is? ;D

Didn't like Fred talking to himself -- also the wrylie telling us that with the extra bracket. :P

Them laughing at the crackhead made me chuckle.

"they never wanted a girl and that's
what led them to Heroin."

Never wanted? That doesn't make sense as they didn't have a girl - Justin was their baby originally, right? Maybe this should be "boy"

I wasn't getting into this story after the first few pages but I started to warm to it as it went on, and some of the gags (Craigslist) were pretty good and well timed. I didn't quite understand the ending, well, I did but it felt rather convenient and didn't make a lot of sense to me. How come they're still have their birth names? Was they wearing dog tags or something and the parents just decided to stick to them -- shouldn't they be Justin Fanning and Dakota Bieber? I'm over thinking again... so don't worry.

This was good for what it was, a simple premise with lots of gags and a fun read -- it's given me the most chuckles in this OWC so thanks for that.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

A nice comedy, that actually made sense.
The writing was pretty good and flowed easily.

I like how it all came to together at the end, if only it was a failed attempt.

Good job on your entry.

Mark

Kudos for going in with a comedy. I really enjoyed the jokes and liked the concept.
In the end it was pretty funny to see a crackhead in John's house.

I do have something for you though:
Thinking you have to start differently - show us how Beiber annoys Fred. Show him (really show) that he understands music well. And make that part funny.
Then make up your mind whether they find the wormhole on craiglist or John invents the time machine. Otherwise it's one moment this and then it's craiglist... Or maybe I misunderstood that part - then you have to present it clearly.
I also didn't understand quite well how crackhead got in John's apartment. Thinking he happened to be near the wormhole at the wrong time.

Anyway, I enjoyed it. Nice job.

This is entertaining to read but I don't imagine it working so well as a film -- I found that I didn't care about any of the characters, in fact the writing seemed to encourage indifference to them, which oddly leaves me feeling shortchanged.

Meh. Reads like a pisser to me. Maybe it's not. Either way, I didn't find it funny. I didn't find it particularly terrible but it still wasn't for me. The time travel wasn't particularly interesting or entertaining and felt like Justin Bieber was too easy a target. I've heard probably less than a full minute of his music, total, in my lifetime so I really didn't care what happened to him here.

I DID like the Craigslist angle though. I thought it was funny and actually sort of interesting and would've liked to have seen more done with it. I mean, what kind of person posts a time machine ad on Craigslist, especially if they actually have a time machine? That, to me, is worth looking into.

Also, kudos on the Slayer shirt.

Other than that, didn't care for it, even taken for what it is. Just not for me.

Writer,

I went into this one expecting to hate it. Wrong! Actually liked this. Thought it wouldn't be funny. Wrong. It was pretty funny. Got a couple good chuckles, and I'm all in on ridding the world of Justin Bieber's. maybe he'll read this, who knows?

Anyway, the writing wasnt great, but not that bad. I'll chalk that up to the time constraints. Only thing I did not like was the ending with the anchorman. Thought you could've gotten a little more creative there.

Overall, pretty good effort. Congrats on entering.

Steve

Hey writer.
I can't connect with the characters. If you would exchange their dialogues randomly, it won't happen anything to me. They're not alive. Unfortunately these lifeless characters force the story with their explanation.

It seems that you tried something different. The twist with the babies is the only positive to mention for me.

Sorry, writer. Hope you have a better success with other readers.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to read this and remember where would the world be without Justin Bieber?

Mark

Ignore this one...bloody pisser :-)

Jeff hated the fact that I loved this script, Mark!

He kept sending me emails of Bieber pictures saying I loved him.

These pics were prolly from his private(s) collection

:B ;D

Wormhole on Craigslist, lol. That cracked me up a bit.

The script has some funny moments, a few words were misspelled, like "viola", which should've been "voila", but other than a few hiccups, it was quite humor filled and had its moments. Good comedic effort here.

I also liked the touch of the "switch"... and the crackhead in the basement.

Nice funny script here, shame the plan didn't work though.

-Lee

Die Bieber Die

A metalhead goes back in time through a cardboard wormhole purchased on Craigslist to ice Canadian musicians, one by one. First stop, Bieber. Lol!

Amazing premise, I chuckled numerous times throughout the read. Writing was pretty good too. Not much to say about it really. I'm sure folks have already pointed out the "confidant", but other than that, it was top notch. Great work.

Johnny

Quoted from Bill

Ignore this one...bloody pisser

Total pisser ;D;D;D

Quoted from Stevie

Jeff hated the fact that I loved this script, Mark!

He kept sending me emails of Bieber pictures saying I loved him.

These pics were prolly from his private(s) collection

Stevie, he sent me this pm too : " You leave my Bieber alone! I would to play slap 'n' tickle with that Bieber boy"

I don't know what he means but as long as he's happy ;D Right, Jeff ? ;D

Quoted from Leegion

Thanks Leegion glad you liked it :D

Quoted from Johnny

A metalhead goes back in time through a cardboard wormhole purchased on Craigslist to ice Canadian musicians, one by one. First stop, Bieber. Lol!

Amazing premise, I chuckled numerous times throughout the read. Writing was pretty good too. Not much to say about it really. I'm sure folks have already pointed out the "confidant", but other than that, it was top notch. Great work.

Based on a true story :D

I sent this into the LA comedy shorts... I'll see what happens ;D;D;D

Mark

I owed you a read. :)

As much as it didn't make sense, it was comical. lol. It's hard to explain but, it flowed. There's times where I was like WTF. Not the negative kind but more as I wonder where this is going.

You can go back and spread things apart since I noticed you tried to cram a lot. lol. Also, unless the bum is a crackhead, i think it should be the bum who gets to stay in John's house at the ending.

But other than that, I chuckled, visualized, and enjoyed. :)

Gabe