The Coffee Shop by Joe Russo - Short - A look into the lives of ordinary people, with extraordinary outcomes. Where prejudice is still a concern.  - pdf, format 8)

The logline needs work. Not sure what extraordinary outcomes have to do with it. The writing in this one needs a lot of work. The dialogue is poor and action unrealistic.

The story itself is simply about one guy being prejudice against gays because he's served in Iraq. One would think he'd more likely have an aversion to Muslims. I don't think Muslims are actually allowed to be gay... but, if they are, then maybe he had a bad experience whilst in a gay bar in Iraq, hence he now having an issue with two guys dancing and having a little smooch. Maybe he was in Iraq, dancing with a guy, then it went too far, the guy touched his ass... and he's never been the same since.

Anyway... he didn't really learn anything from the lecture the gay guy gave him and was even going to punch him at one point... maybe the guy made a move for his ass?

Lots of work needed.... but chin up, you'll get there if you keep trying. Maybe.

Cmon man. Don't just throw a script up on here without at least revising it a couple of times.

Even your title page isn't complete.

Give your characters names. GIRL and MAN is just lazy. Also, give them a description and an age. You need to make your characters real to the reader. They need to be real people, not just devices for the sake of driving the story forward.

I'm guessing Girl and Man become Adam and Sarah? Why couldn't you just introduce them as Adam and Sarah? To add further to the confusion, a MAN #2 and ANOTHER MAN comes into the picture, also with no description or age....

Now for the story, nothing happens. It's a confrontation between two people that results in one of them walking away. Nothing was learned, nothing happened. I appreciate the themes your trying to tackle in this, but it feels like your trying to jam it down my throat. I get it, gay people are people. The Man says it, Sarah says it.  Be more subtle, maybe let the reader empathize with both point of views. As it is now, it's just too black and white and the world isn't like that.

This was only 4 pages, but you really could shorten this down to 3, maybe 2. The intital conversation between Sarah and Adam could be omitted altogether.

"SARAH (CONT’D)
You know mom’s death was natural.
He cant blame you. Hey, Adam. "

Where did this come from? Is this bit of information relevant to the story?

I feel like I'm being harsh, but I really just didn't like this one. It feels like an unimportant scene cut from a feature and labeled as a short. There's just no weight to this.

-Chong