Leveling by Vatican Kelevra - Action - An enforcer tries to solve the murder of the news anchor he met the night before, while he is infuriatingly harassed by a detective who thinks he committed the crime. 105 pages - pdf, format 8)

Opened this up to find a giant cringe-inducing monolgue  that stretches nearly two pages. TBH, most people would put down the script there.

You don't even have a scene heading after the fade in. Also, I think your looking for a closeup (CU) not "ON LEVEL." You should still use a scene heading though.

Too many "we" and "us". That's a big no-no.

"As we Pan..." "And we realize we are..." "He stares directly at us".

Also, what's with the "..." transitions from scene to scene? It's distracting and you use it judiciously.

"LUTHER VOSS, 50, an abusive alcoholic..."

How do we know he's an abusive alcoholic? Your telling us instead of showing us.

"Level SIGHS"

Don't need to caps sighs.

"On the floor is: LYDIA VOSS, early 20s, pretty with olive skin, but has been beaten by Luther for years."

Again how do we know she's been "beaten by Luther for years"?

CASHIER
$6.81

From what I've learned, numbers should be written out in dialogue.

CASHIER
Six dollars and eighty-one cents.

So I stopped here. There are too many formatting errors and just poor writing to continue on. From what I can tell, it starts like your average cookie-cutter action/thriller.

- Chong

So I have a bit of a different take on things. I think your opening has promise. Long speeches happen in movies, and this seems like an homage to Pulp Fiction. I only say that because of the length.

But since this is a visual medium, may I suggest that you break up the monologue with pieces of visual action? Like him lighting a cigarette (thus eliminating the need for the scene when he buys a pack of cigarettes. That scene doesn't really advance the story. If you show him smoking at the top, that says something about his character.

Another reason to break up the monologue is to give each paragraph its own "meaning." You've got the nuns, his background, and a lot (perhaps too much) of other things.

One of the things you should show in the midst of the monologue is the girl, on the floor, beaten up.

I know, I know. You want the whole thing to be a surprise. But I would ask you this question: what do you gain by hiding every single piece of information? My suspicion is, not much. If you trickle the information, then end it with the overt threat, thus completing the picture, you will have given the audience a nice ride.

I do think the monologue itself needs more focus. It jumps from topic to topic and then back again to repeat a topic. Length, to me, doesn't matter,  as long as 1) visuals accompany the monologue, and 2) the monologue is focused. My suggestion would be to find one story, one through line for the tale Level tells. Jools in Pulp Fiction talked about one thing. There are many other examples of this.

You're on the right track by having Level talk about everything BUT what he's there for. But it can be clearer and more focused. And, if you add the visual elements in between "thought changes," you'll heighten the tension.

Speaking of tension, there is a rather large issue with Level. He gives this whole speech to this guy, and ends it with a threat. The man who he threatens immediately insults Level and calls the girl Level came to protect a bitch. And what does Level do about it? Nothing. If you keep the scene this way, you will have sapped any power Level has. Because what you've illustrated is 1) Level likes to talk and 2) no one is scared of him. If that is not what you want to convey, I would suggest making the end of that scene go in a different direction.

Hope some of this helps. As to "we see," etc. Don't worry about people telling you if it's right or wrong. Just tell the story. The problems with the beginning have nothing to do with "we see," but rather with the development of Level and how others see him.

The opening is reminiscent of Lono's (Denis Leary) speech/scene in Suicide Kings.  The only difference is that when Lono is told to fuck off, he doesn't just walk by the abused victim, say "good night" and leave.  He calmly walks into the kitchen, grabs a toaster, and uses it to beat the living shit out of the guy.  Level's reaction perturbed me, and his reaction to the woman about to get raped was also off putting.  There's just something about this guy that I don't like.  He seems like a push over, he talks a lot, and to me, like I already said...he just doesn't come across as likeable.  It feels forced.  

I don't know how far happywash got -- he offered some pretty good advice, though -- but I got up to page 27 before calling it quits.  It didn't really have anything to do with story -- even though it does feel like the same old-same old -- but more to do with the protagonist.  I don't like him.  I don't care for him.  Not one part of him comes across as likeable.  I think you made some wrong choices in regards to how you wrote your main character.  That's just me, though.