Products Of Violence by Kyler Olson - Drama - A mild-mannered school bully struggles with life after becoming paraplegic, his best friend getting gunned down and the love of his life being trapped in a coma after causing one of his peers to go on a shooting rampage. 119 pages - pdf, format 8)

Your logline is terrible. It doesn't bode well for the script. So I'm not even going to open it. You can bet that this would be a producer's reaction too.

To be more specific,

The log line needs another comma and perhaps some re-work.  I agree with the previous poster, if the log is that carelessly written then why expect the script to be any better?

Tony.

For me it was the 'mild-mannered school bully'.

So, I took a look at your script... obviously considering that I may have misjudged you. And I have. This looks like a pretty decent script. The only thing is, if there is such a thing as overwriting, then you are guilty of not writing enough. Things like this:

Code Watches rain run down window.

It's horrible. It actually slows a read, stutters it, rather than making it flow. Brevity is good, but flow is a part of that. Brevity is not about dropping words, it is about dropping unnecessary words. If a word is important to maintain flow then keep it. It takes a nano-second to read it, and there are certain words our brains pick up instantly and becomes part of the sentence as a whole, it doesn't exactly take longer to read.

I'm not exactly liking the rest of your subject matter in this script. I have no desire to watch a film about a mild-mannered school bully that is now a paraplegic coping with a life he brought about himself through whatever events. What else happens? If something good happens later in the story then that should be in your logline. From what I can see you've filled us in on the backstory and the film is simply about he struggling to cope with life.

Maybe there's a market for that... but I'm guessing that after the initial few exciting pages that the film gets pretty lame from then on. Who knows, maybe it could win an oscar for some heart wrenching performances... but it really isn't for me.

On a positive, you write well enough. You just need to recapture your flow. I feel that you've stripped your writing bare.

I see what you mean about it being stripped bare. I got criticized immensely for not being simple. I had a previous revision that was really detailed, but people hated it because it wasn't simple and too detailed. Seeing this is my first script, I'll see what I can do with the logline. And on flow, any tips? And to be fare I heard having a bone stripped script is a good thing? as it gives the director the imagination to do what ever he wants.

Quoted from KylerOlson I see what you mean about it being stripped bare. I got criticized immensely for not being simple. I had a previous revision that was really detailed, but people hated it because it wasn't simple and too detailed. Seeing this is my first script, I'll see what I can do with the logline. And on flow, any tips? And to be fare I heard having a bone stripped script is a good thing? as it gives the director the imagination to do what ever he wants.

You already have a flow, you're just stuttering it by missing out words. A skeleton script is good, but missing out the word 'the' or any other important word will disrupt flow not enhance it.

Kyler,
Think of surfing the tv and looking for something to watch.  What 1-2 sentence description made you stop on that movie or show that you never seen before? That's what you want to get folks to read your screenplay.

Tony

interesting script i think. could add a little more detail but other than that it was a good read. especially it being your first...good job

ugo

Personally I liked the script . It was interesting.

Thanks! I'm still trying to work on the log line, just me trying to juggle high school and this is  hard. I might add some detail later on but not very much. I like the bare form, leaving it up to a director.

I did finish the new log line. I do have to say it's much better.

After causing one of his peers to go on a deadly school shooting, an abused high school bully loses everything he cared for and struggles to find something to live for.

What do ya'll think?

Better. You can use 2-4 lines if you like. I prefer no more than 2.