Corrupt by Josh Schwartz - Short, Comedy - A cop discovers the unsettling truth about his police unit. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

This has the feel of being written by a youngster. Or a new writer. The writing isn't very mature... but that doesn't necessarily mean you are young.

What really helps is if you're fairly well read. If you're not the type to read novels, I'd suggest that you start now. This will help with vocabulary and your writing will mature faster.

You're making some rookie mistakes that I can't be bothered to point out. Not only does it take my time, but it also pisses people off. You can also find this information simply by reading someone else's screenplay, or buying a book on screenplay structure and format.

In regards to your story. I like the premise. It could just do with being handled better. There is a lot of work available to writers that can do children's stuff. Especially comedy. I think, if done right, this would fall under that. Nice effort, you just have a way to go before you're at a professional standard.

Hey man, I loved it. I can imagine 'Cheech and Chong' doing this. At the start I thought the cops were going to a drug bust or something so it was a good surprize when it kicked into comedy mode.

It may have some writing issues but I'm sure someone on here will help you out with that.


[/quote] 'You can either enjoy this with us or get the fuck out of the unit' [quote]

you could maybe cut this to 'Fit in or fuck off'

All in all good work, the funniest I've seen on here yet :)

Josh,

Totally agree with Dustin here. This actually feels more like just a cute little premise here, and you wrote it down just to get it out

However, some of the issues not mentioned were your incomplete slug lines, your improper use of wrylies (parenthetically), and your failure to introduce your characters properly by capitalizing their names along with their ages. I see you have a feature on here as well.  Possible you clear up these issues on that? If you haven't, read some scripts around here, Josh. There's plenty of good, properly formatted stuff around here that can help guide you in the right direction.

As for your story?  Cute, funny little premise. I chuckled a couple times at the use of the F bomb. Thought it was well placed. I liken your lead character to Dan Akroyd's Joe Friday character. All business. Not that bad really. Just clean up your issues.

Steve

Josh,

Well, this one definitely had a "skit" feel to it, like College Humor or Funny or Die.

I have to disagree with Dustin about this though:

Quoted from Dustin What really helps is if you're fairly well read. If you're not the type to read novels, I'd suggest that you start now. This will help with vocabulary and your writing will mature faster.

Quoted from Dustin There is a lot of work available to writers that can do children's stuff.

I don't think the writer was hoping for this to be a "mature" heart-wrenching drama. It's listed as comedy, after all. Secondly, this advice goes contra what the writer was most likely going for if I'm getting a feel for the genre correctly. Advising him to "read novels" that will "help with vocabulary and [his] writing will mature faster" is like advising MadTV writers or SNL writers to do the same, whatever the equivalent is in the UK, perhaps there isn't any, I don't know.

Slugs are missing time of day, and you forgot to place a slug when they moved to the interior of the house.
Parentheticalls were all acceptable except the last one.

As for the script overall, it was okay. I didn't find it funny really, but doesn't mean I don't understand where the writer is coming from. Though I'm sure you'll find the right audience for it.

-J.S.

Not sure how anyone can disagree that reading novels will increase vocabulary and help one's writing mature faster. Also not sure how you could disagree that there is a lot of work available to writers doing children's stuff. There is clearly a huge market for it.

Josh,

I  was split on this one. It does have that element of a ridiculous skit meant for SNL, but too many f -bombs for that show.. Something like this I could see on funny or die. Now in the case of this being funny. I thought it did had a few moments sprinkled through. I particularly enjoyed  the image I got of a bunch of kids being rounded up and cuffed, while crying at a birthday party. You should have thrown a clown in there too, Have him get arrested. Something with a prop he has falls out…I could see that being a very funny scene,

I don’t have any aversions to using curses in my stories. I actually use em’ quite frequently. The trick is to know when to use them, so they don’t feel forced, or over saturated, Too many motha fuckas can actually take away rather than contribute. Even giving the fact it’s meant to be an adult comedy. But for the most part you didn’t go over board with the cursing. I just felt those moments of dialogue when you did use them felt forced. I did like the premise and that opening scene however,  so good job with that.

~~ Marcello

Quoted from DustinBowcot Not sure how anyone can disagree that reading novels will increase vocabulary and help one's writing mature faster. Also not sure how you could disagree that there is a lot of work available to writers doing children's stuff. There is clearly a huge market for it.

Like I said, I don't know if you have this brand of humor in the UK or not. It's probably antithetical to reading novels. And maybe you were taking a stab at it, calling it "children's stuff", I don't know. I couldn't tell. I thought you were serious about that.

I'm from the UK and found this pretty funny. It gave me a couple of chuckles. I like this kind of humour. I think the UK equivalent would be a sketch show, something Simon Pegg came out with a few years back.

There are problems with the format, as have been noted, but it didn't really take me out of the read. People do get hung up on format etc. but as long as the idea works, that's all that counts.

Sometimes scripts are so visual you can't help but see what the writer wanted, sometimes you come up with your own interpretation based on the transmission, and this falls in the latter but it worked for me. I appreciate you're not aiming for Shakespeare.

It made me laugh, that was the point of the idea so it works for me.

Quoted from J.S. Like I said, I don't know if you have this brand of humor in the UK or not. It's probably antithetical to reading novels. And maybe you were taking a stab at it, calling it "children's stuff", I don't know. I couldn't tell. I thought you were serious about that.

Plenty of novels use this type of humour. Usually found in children's novels.

I wasn't taking a stab... I was pointing out where this story sits best. Without the profanity then this could easily be a children's short film, or sketch. Plenty of good children's TV coming out at the moment, as well as countless novels all incorporating humour. As it has been found, this is what children respond to best. I also know this is a fact as I have four young children myself. This reminds me of a children's story.

Also, when I said that his writing needs to mature, this simply means get better.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I was pointing out where this story sits best.

Would you consider advising a horror writer to rewrite their story as a children's story, good advise or bad advise?

Hey Josh;

This landed well with me. I like how you simply pushed the concept of the ‘Corporatocracy’ trying to put a patent right on everything in existence. The latest charade of course; a corporation trying to put a patent right on a Human Gene, thankfully the Supreme Court threw that one out...

I believe you dredged this one up because the Beatles have 'Copyright' stamped all over their 'Birthday' song... whatever.

It put me in mind of a skit that 'The Kids in the Hall' would try to have a go at, so it was kind of funny in that respect.

Quoted from J.S. Would you consider advising a horror writer to rewrite their story as a children's story, good advise or bad advise?

Hey James;

This is actually a good question. Many people don't realize that it's done all the time; convert one genre to another using the same story or narrative.

A prime example of this being done consistently is the dark and gothic enterprise known as 'Walt Disney'. Their first feature film 'Snow White' was actually based on an old Germanic tale of Necrophilia.

There is a plethora of narratives that can be resurrected with a new lease if you have the persistence to cross over to different genres.

Quoted from J.S. Would you consider advising a horror writer to rewrite their story as a children's story, good advise or bad advise?

"Advice".

This is not a horror script... it is a comedy script about it being against the law to sing the birthday song... a perfect introduction for children into how everything is owned and must be paid for. The term nothing for free is becoming more and more real. People even pay to find dates these days.

For an adult, the subject matter is too extreme. Too in your face.

It puts me in mind of Orwell's Animal Farm... although dealing with a very adult issue, because it is done with animals it sits perfectly well as an early learning aid for children.

Everything has to have a license now. Bars need music licenses, schools need a license to play DVD's to the children, or listen to the radio.

If this is all new to you, then forgive me... for me it's very stale and I don't see the humour. I see it appealing more to children.

In regards to horror... if somebody did write a child-like horror (they do exist), then I certainly would advise them to market it in that area. Many writers are transitioning over to children... it is a huge and voracious market.

There isn't anything wrong with the children's market and I resent the accusation that I meant it as an insult.

Quoted from Gum There is a plethora of narratives that can be resurrected with a new lease if you have the persistence to cross over to different genres.

Exactly. As writers we should be able to do that if we feel like it. I know I can.

Quoted from DustinBowcot it is a comedy script about it being against the law to sing the birthday song... a perfect introduction for children into how everything is owned and must be paid for. The term nothing for free is becoming more and more real. People even pay to find dates these days. For an adult, the subject matter is too extreme. Too in your face.

Okay. I see what the issue is. You didn't actually comprehend what the script is satirizing. That's why your comments seemed strange to me. Maybe its a cultural thing, like I said.

AsfarasSiam puts it well:

Quoted from AsfarasSiam I like how you simply pushed the concept of the ‘Corporatocracy’ trying to put a patent right on everything in existence.

That's what the script is satirizing. You seem to have missed that.

I think people are looking too much into where it could fit into bla bla bla.

It's all about the script. I think the writer has made a good job of it as it is, why change something when it's not broken? The copyright thing is what it is, a joke in the script , not something to make people aware of ©.

It's not about a Corporatocracy... this story in no way gets that deep. The story is about copyright infringement. You can't play anything in a public place these days without having to pay.

Yeah... he is. It's just a joke. An exaggeration. For me, it was just an obvious one, and maybe bordering on too obvious for adult tastes. Upon saying that I have found myself laughing along with my kids when they've read something particularly funny in one of their books. Kids love comedy... and it's the best way to get them to respond to TV, film or novels. It's also a huge market, and kids have a massive appetite. In other words, the shit sells.

Look at 'Step Brothers' 'Old School' 'The other guys'  or any other Will Ferrel movie, Superbad, 40 year old virgin, Bad Santa, adult comedy at its best IMO. There's no need to change over the childrens market when you don't have to. There's plenty of space in the adult zone.  

Oh I forgot 'Deuce Bigalow' with Rob Schndeider. One of fav comedies. It's as stupid as shit, not mature on any level but that's what makes it so good.  

Quoted from DustinBowcot It's not about a Corporatocracy... this story in no way gets that deep. The story is about copyright infringement. You can't play anything in a public place these days without having to pay.

Exactly my point. You don't seem to understand the satire very well.

It's satirizing the law putting the interests of corporations over the people. Not copyright. That's why there is an emphasis on police corruption at the end. That's why the story is called Corrupt.

I may have to concede... I didn't know the Birthday Song was owned by somebody... which is where part of my argument rested. As a corporation could not be blamed for a public domain song... which is doubtless where the this story stemmed from. The birthday song is owned by somebody and it is copyright infringement to play it in a public place, ergo against the law.

Hey guys. This is my script. I guess I should have established that it's a comedy sketch. Not trying to establish any characters here. Definitely not a kid. My style is just absurdist.

It is complete satire. Meant for an SNL type thing as someone pointed out above. Hopefully shooting this soon. I only right sketches so I'm a little foreign to how to proper format scripts so I know the vibe isn't completely clear. I'll show it to you guys when its shot!

A little back story... I work as an editor for a reality TV series and on multiple occasions we have not been able to use segments because of the singing of the happy birthday song which is copyrighted and not in the public domain. I thought that was silly and wrote a silly sketch exaggerating the seriousness of using the happy birthday song.

Quoted from Joshua Braddock A little back story... I work as an editor for a reality TV series and on multiple occasions we have not been able to use segments because of the singing of the happy birthday song which is copyrighted and not in the public domain. I thought that was silly and wrote a silly sketch exaggerating the seriousness of using the happy birthday song.

You're right it is silly. I had no idea till earlier that the Happy Birthday song is copyrighted.

Nice one Joshua, I get it. PM me it when you shoot it incase I miss it  :)

Did Joshua manage to get this shot?