Regarding narrative and flow

Posted by: Leegion, February 5th, 2014, 4:49pm

Quick question.

I'm writing a script at the moment, which is this really weird, explosive action thriller, which depicts a night of revenge, called "Too Far Gone".

My narrative and flow for the story is exceptionally odd, but I think it works. Lots of montage moments, flashbacks, snap to's. It's off the walls nuts IMO.

Here's a preview as an example of what I mean:

Quoted Text

INT. Liam'S APARTMENT - LOUNGE - night (present)

Liam cleans his gun with specialized equipment, looks like he's done it before.

Dave (v.o)
Everything's under control. There's four of us, only one of him.

Liam stops, pulls another gun from under the table.

He squints, focusing on the front door.

BEGIN MONTAGE:

EXT. FISH AND TACKLE DINER - CAR PARK - NIGHT (past)

SUPER: 15 minutes ago

- A BLACK VAN pulls out of the lot, no lights on.

EXT. DOCKLAND - NIGHT

- Liam and Brett's cars grind against one another.

- Black van stalks along methodically.

EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - NIGHT

- Brett falls dead against the pylon, blood drizzles down his mangled face.

- Liam gets into his car, drives away.

ext. Apartment block - night

- Liam walks into the apartment.

- Black van sits across the street, nestled between cars.

END MONTAGE.

INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - LOUNGE - NIGHT (PRESENT)

Two MEN, BURLY, 30s and SCRAWNY, 20s, burst through the front door, automatics in their hands.

Flashlights play along the walls. Greet whips of lightning that illuminate the room

Burly points his flashlight at the bedroom door, nods.

Scrawny sits his hand on the doorknob, twists.

The lock CLICKS. A gunshot POPS --

-- a bullet rips through Scrawny's face, wickedly spinning him to the ground.

A bag of potato chips fly over the counter.

Burly shoots wildly, riddles the wall with holes.

Liam vaults over the counter, kicks the gun from Burly's hand in the process.

Liam shoots Burly in the chest, and kicks him into the wall. Plaster spits, Burly THUDS.

Liam kneels down, sticks the gun to Burly's head.

LIAM
Sinclair send you? Huh?

Burly spits in Liam's face.

Burly
(gargling on blood)
You're f'd! (says something else in-script)

LIAM
No. You are.

Liam shoots Burly in the head. Blood splashes over the wall.

Liam scoops the automatic off the ground, leaves.

I want to know if doing this works as a narrative, and doesn't disrupt the flow of the story.

I do this a lot, cuts, flashes, it's not straight-forward nor told in a direct line of events, so it's all jumbled up.

Does it work though?

Posted by: Guest, February 5th, 2014, 5:59pm; Reply: 1

Looks busy to me.

I always try to avoid montages or a series of shots, and flashbacks...

Occasionally I find myself breaking my own rules, but that's me.

Is this the beginning of the script?

--Steve

Posted by: J.S., February 5th, 2014, 7:58pm; Reply: 2

I personally wouldn't do the montage that way because it was difficult to understand and for some reason really slow to read for me. But this all depends on the kind of pacing you want to achieve.

My way would be:

Quoted Text

BEGIN MONTAGE:

A black van pulls out of the lot of Fish and Tackle Diner - NIGHT. SUPER: 15 minutes ago

At dockland, Liam and Brett's cars grind against one another.

Black van stalks along.

At Construction site, Brett falls dead against the pylon, blood drizzles down his mangled face.

Liam gets into his car, drives away.

Outside apartment, Liam walks into it.

Black van sits across the street, nestled between cars.

END MONTAGE.

But that's just me.

-J.S.

Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), February 5th, 2014, 9:16pm; Reply: 3

Don't throw SUPERs into a montage, unless that entire montage takes place at the same, exact time and place.

I skimmed, but that's because it didn't read well at all. Very busy and most likely, incorrect in numerous places.

Posted by: rendevous, February 5th, 2014, 9:32pm; Reply: 4

I'd say there's too much going on and it's not clear why. Seeing someone get shot will have an effect on everyone, but not much. Seeing a character we know and are interested in will have a massive effect.

The point of the spec script is to get the writer to cut out all the bells and whistles and bunting so they and the reader can concentrate on the story. There's debates about that and this and the other but most would agree that story is all that counts.

I'd say the piece you posted looks more like a page from a music video than a script. However, I've read almost perfectly formatted scripts that tell a story clearly but they would bore the arse off a saint that was related to them.

Then again, some music videos were wonderful pieces of film.

R

Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), February 6th, 2014, 1:52am; Reply: 5

Is there only one pylon in the building site? Wouldn't he fall dead against 'a' pylon. Unless the pylon makes reappearances throughout the film and has been intro'd previously, write 'a'. Is the pylon erect or... floppy? I mean... lying down.

For me, what you've written lacks flow completely. Which is pretty normal for a transitioning (from novels to screenplays) writer. First you don't take out enough, then you take too much and lose your voice completely. Perfectly normal... albeit frustrating.

The format though for me was fine... I didn't find it too busy. I like lots of things going on. There are films where I like to think, and there are films I watch where I just want to see some action, pHuck the story... give me some violence. If the violence is good it really does make up for a weak story in my opinion. I've watched hundreds of kung fu films, the 70's ones, and I can't remember any particular story, they were all pretty much the same, I watched them for the action. Just somebody getting revenge is enough story for me. But then, like I said, there are other times where I like things more cerebral, and I'm always willing to give something new a try.

Posted by: Leegion, February 6th, 2014, 5:11am; Reply: 6

Don't use supers in narrative, gotcha.

@Levy - This is just a throw-together of events.  It's not in the script, but a preview of the narrative/flow I'm aiming for (only written better, lol).

To go into more detail on what this script is going to be:

None of the scenes directly follow from one another.

The Narrative is told from a slanted position, in other words, all scenes are jumbled and not in direct order.

Flashbacks/Future flashes/present, all jumbled up as well, with SUPERS to tell the reader/viewer when this particular scene takes place.

--------------------

I've got the answer though, so thanks guys.  I know what I should do now.

Too Far Gone's main story follows a murderer, not "Liam", and is based on a series of events that lead to the murderer's family being killed, and him going on a rampage against the ones who did it.

I'm looking to tell it backwards, if that makes sense.  Hence why question on narrative/flow on how it should be/if I'm going to do it jumbled or not.

Posted by: mmmarnie, February 6th, 2014, 1:02pm; Reply: 7

Memento is told in reverse. Maybe taking a peek could give you some ideas...

http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/memento.html

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