Calm Before the Storm by Oliver Yates - Series - Welcome to the grey area. 49 pages - pdf, format 8)

Oliver,

A few notes as I go:

• FADE IN: should be the first thing on the top left of the page unless you have some voice over or superimposed text scrolling by.  Then you should say that it's OVER BLACK:
  
• If Dippy is wearing a hooded top, how am I able to see her hair?
  
• You overwrite your descriptions.  Only give us critical information.
  
• Why do you have Dippy's dialogue in an action line?
  
• You don't need to describe every movement that someone makes.
  
• You have a huge unexplained chunk of white space on the bottom of page 1.  Why?
  

If you have these egregious errors on page 1 of your script, I'm not inclined to continue reading.

Read more scripts to learn format, be active on the boards and we'll be happy to help you out.

Jordan

Nomad's pretty much nailed it. I opened it up, saw that huge block of description and that just put me off straight away.

I will add, however, that your logline isn't much of a logline. 'Welcome to the grey area' is more like a tagline if you ask me. A logline is supposed to sum up the story and attract an audience. People are gonna want to know what the film is about and, at the moment, it raises more questions than it answers.

Hope this helped.