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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Scripts / Take Me With You
Posted by: Don, February 9th, 2014, 5:37pm
Take Me With You by Chris Joslin - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A New York City DJ struggles with intimacy, death, and depression in the weeks leading up a world changing event. 29 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Nomad, February 12th, 2014, 10:57am; Reply: 1
Chris,
A few notes as I go:
- Keep your title font at 12 pt.
- FADE IN: should be left justified at the beginning.
- There's no need to tell us useless information in your first slugline (BURROUGH UNSPECIFIED) Just tell us where we are. Don't tell us where we're not.
- Try to avoid using the present progressive tense (<---Thanks Phil)
- The back and forth banter between the DJs almost works for me, but it's a little too cheesy.
- Unless you're directing this, leave the camera directions out. Just tell the story and let the reader imagine where the camera is.
- There's no need to tell me where the title fades in and out. Let the director figure out where he wants to put the title.
- Use "SUPERIMPOSE:" or "SUPER:" When displaying text on screen.
- Don't use "we see" or "we hear" unless it's absolutely necessary, which is rare.
- Your action lines are overwritten and fragmented. You can combine the first paragraph in Jake's apartment to something like this:
"Lucas, 28, sits on a dirty couch playing video games with a cigarette dangling from his mouth. The light from the TV pushes through the dark, smokey room, illuminating a look of aggravation on his face."
- Only capitalize the entire name of a character when they're first introduced.
- What does "DJ gear" look like? Modern DJ gear, otherwise known as a laptop, looks like any other laptop. Even the appearance of headphones doesn't indicate a DJ anymore. I'd put a sticker on a worn laptop that says, "God is a DJ" or "My cat wants to be a DJ".
That's all for now.
If you're active on the boards I'll continue.
Jordan
Posted by: ChrisJoslin (Guest), February 25th, 2014, 12:20pm; Reply: 2
Nomad,
Thanks so much for the feedback. Sorry it's taken so long to respond. I am directing this. I start production this summer. Put it up on here to get other people's input regarding dialogue and characters.
Thanks again,
C
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