Paradise: Prometheus 2 by Jonathon (Beidvox) - Sci Fi, Fantasy - Taking off where Prometheus left off, Shaw and David survive deep space only to stumble upon the Engineer's darkest secret.  110 pages - pdf, format 8)

I read the first 15 pages and then skipped around a few pages. The beginning is a little slow, you could cut some of it out so the reader could be more interested and would keep on reading. I loved the first movie and this script can certainly pass as its sequel from what I've read.  Descriptions are good, never really got bored reading it.

Hi Jonathon,

Your logline needs help. If someone didn't see part 1, who is Shaw and David? why should  the potential  reader be interested in them? Who's this Engineer guy and what does his secret matter to Shaw and David?

Now lets say you tried: "Two souls survive deep space and  encounter a *something* secret that others want. Their only hope of survival rests on convincing new allies to help them *something*" That may attract more interest.

"New enemies,  new allies a first purposed in a series. " I have no clue what this means.

I don't want to open this PDF,  sorry!

Good luck,

Tony.

Hey, Jonathon.

Before I comment, I'd just like to address Tony's comment about your logline. He is right, it could do with some work. As it is, it just sounds kinda clichï¿¿nd a bit generic. I'm sure you could sum up the story better than that. However, I think Tony's missed the point with the whole David and Shaw thing. Why would anyone watch the sequel to a film that they haven't seen? That makes absolutely no sense. If the reader has seen the first film, which they really should have before watching the second, they'll know who David and Shaw.

Reading through the first few pages, my biggest problem is how overwritten it is in places. There's huge chunks of description sprawled across the page, and it did kinda put me off. Always try to keep your description to a maximum of 4 lines. Having said that, I do quite like your writing style. It's nice and clear so good job on that.

As for the dialogue, not really much I can say. I thought it fit in quite well with their characters from what I can remember from the first film.

That's all I've got time for at the moment I'm afraid - got a huge report due in for the end of the week. From what I can tell though, you're not doing too bad. I would love to see some original content from you!

Hope this helped.

Lee

EDIT: Just in case this confused you, by original content, I mean something that's your own birth child. I'm not suggesting you've copied this from elsewhere.

Well I'd like to point out that we shouldn't forget movies are made to make money. It's better to craft your work so the risk takers believe people who may not have seen the first movie would plunk down some dough regardless. If the script is just written for fun then so be it. Another reason to maybe not include a part '2' in the title.

Prometheus Revealed or something like that may invite interest (even if the right people may just like some element of the story and therefore willing to buy the script) They may just go with their own writers anyway and expand on the idea. The spec animal is strange indeed.  I've hear of scripts purchases only because the relationship between 2 characters was interesting. Then they use it elsewhere.

One thing is for sure,  nobody important is likely to even open a script unless the logline is solid.  

As for Prometheus 1 I was so disappointed in the movie that if they make another,  please allow Charlize to run away some other way then straight under the falling alien ship (tight outfit of course)


Tony.

Yes, the script was written for fun. I wrote it over the summer of 2013 and it is the first script I've written in 15 years. I enjoyed it.

I picked Prometheus cause I liked the ending above all others during 2013 and somehow knew they wouldn't be making a sequel anytime soon and wanted a spring board for my writing. I wanted to write, I just didn't know what to write, so I picked something.

I apologise for the log line, I will make a better one for my next script which I would like to enter into some contests for shits and giggles.

So I had a question. The script was an adventure screenplay. Did it ellicit any emotional response?

I enjoyed the process but I hated tieing in the two movies together with the begining I wrote. I hate the first 20 pages, which is ironic cause that is what drew me to the project in the first place. It went through 3 re writes which balloned to 135 pages before reigning it in to 118 again.

Ty for all the free feedback, Talentville is going to cost me an arm and leg for critique on my next script.

Hi Jonathon,

Since you are here I finished act 1. What really shines for me is your dialog. I like it. Especially the relationship between David and Shaw.  

Aside from some typos and some 'we sees'  your writing is good.  I think so far you are doing a good job with the material the first movie left you to work with. And that material IMO wasn't very good.

Some of your bold underlining of certain text is a bit annoying. I'm not sure if it's acceptable in a spec.

I will read on soon.


Gl

Tony.

Thank you Tony. Spec script being the operative word. I liked the look of bold, underline and italics, but I think I'll save them for a personal copy I'll print out. I dropped it in my new script.

The Dialouge was the hardest thing to write, aside from the, 'we sees'. I always felt like a narrator more then just jotting down what's in the scene it came out more naturally. Oh well.

Wow.  I just found out about this site a couple weeks ago but looking through 10.. pages of scripts, u guys must be seriously sick of fan fiction lol. Original it is.

Hey guys, I apologize for the shameless bump, but I've been really busy. I've been reading SS alot. I read from my phone which I don't trust to express an opinion inbetween breaks in the day. The knowledge and insight into forumlating a script has changed greatly since last I've done it.

I'm in the middle of a project so far I've devoted 6 months of development time and around 220 pages of backstory, charactors and failed outlines have taken alot of time. I'm alittle scared it won't turn out well but handed it in to a fellow scriptwriter I met on the forums and was killing time till he got back to me.

In the mean time I "redid" Prometheus alittle. I took everyone's opinions very seriously.

--redid almost all the sluglines
--trimed even more from the action lines, although it was hard to trim and shave certain parts due to the nature of the scene, I'm still new at this.
--took out 10 pages and added 1. The begining was trimmed and sets the acts in more firmly in comparison to their page location. It moves quicker and the pieces fall in their places at a better pace.
--Took out most of the bold, italics and underlines. I left in a few for effect and taking artistic license.
--Added a scene clarifying antagonists motives better.

Ty for everyone that read it, I wish this version was the one I had originally released.

PS… I still didn't put much effort into the logline, but promise the next one will be better.

Peace

Did you have an admin update your script on this site or provide an outside link for the file?

Quoted from TonyDionisio Did you have an admin update your script on this site or provide an outside link for the file?

Look at the bottom of the first post.  You can see Don updating the script May 29.

This "Revision History" field holds true for any script.

Did both. The original can be seen at[url]jhab.ca[/url]  the version you see here was generously posted by our admin.