The Bully by JD Spivey (lspivey87) - Drama - A depressed misanthropic teen gathers a team of misfits to kill students at his high school; but when the students fight back and his team revolts, he must save himself before he is killed. 103 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi JD,

FROM THE BLACK WE HEAR.  I believe OVER BLACK or something similar is proper. Lose the 'we' anything in action blocks. WE sucks and is frowned upon.

Since we are still black how can we know the crash sound is that of furniture? Shuffling as though someone is being chased? Too much detail to show over black. Focus on basic sounds - CRASH. SOUNDS OF PEOPLE FIGHTING...  Etc.

"Sound of a smack" - there ya go,  thats better.

Capitalize PAUL as he is first introduced.

Ok, through blurred vision you expect to film details of this priest rapist? Did the vision clear up? If so then tell us. Did his vision snap into focus? Did it slowly return to clear?

Caps on PRIEST as he is intoduced as a character and now has dialog.

Wait! There is also an 'innocent looking boy' in the room in addition to Paul and Rapist Priest?  Well then properly capitalize the boys intro.

Now you are FLASH FORWARDING to some time? You haven't properly established where we were.

First it's YOUNG PAUL and then forward to PRE-TEEN PAUL? Sounds the same to me.

Okay, TEEN MEGATRON???  Thats where I say gee gee. Page one and done.

Good luck,

Tony