The Bayou by Matthew Sanders (mattlj25) - Short, Adventure, Fantasy - A teenaged boy treks deep into the Louisiana bayou, in search of anyone, or anything that could save his dying mother.  10 pages - pdf, format 8)

It's such an eerie lullaby.

Hey Matt,

There were some things I liked much
and some things I would hardly suggest to work on.

SPOILER
I know what you mean by now when you said you tend to overwrite. I haven't got a problem with it concerning this story. For me it's got this tale flavor from the start. A boy wants to save his diseased mother, goes to the bayous with a friend to find a remedy.

I mean, I need all theses overwriting here to identify myself with your concept, you show the look fine and deliver us that it's important. I go with it. I don't want to have it distanced here. It needs fireflies looking like stars and riding through the sunset, because it seems to be an important look and impression of what you want to make us an experience with. (For sure in other kind of scripts overwriting like that could be very bad).

So a Horror-tale in the swamp is the thing I go with. The other thing I would suggest to improve is something I often mentioned to writers here if they do so:

The twist to an evil character which wasn't there before...
We had no hint that this nice blinded man, at least, is the pure evil. We don't expect this. And you may feel about: No expectation of that, sounds good, so, I surprised you.

I just think we more identify with stories which give us possibilities. And out of the possibilities how the story turns out you fulfill ONE (maybe vary between them, or lean on to them).

Maybe the lesser expected one, no problem. There's often a fine distraction between those possibilities how the film could and finally DOES turn out.

The twist from the absolutely unknown isn't that clever as it might feel, if you were part of the audience.

Also, I didn't really get from what the mother should have been healed of, what they were exactly searching for.
The horror aspects in the end are really brutal in a psychological way. The script is constantly getting darker, what I liked. Ending up with this immoral offer...

Hope I could help with the feedback.

Thanks for the read and detailed review. I was hoping I alluded to the fact that mr Morgan was the "devil" he openly warned the kids about... "The devil's in these woods," "Fifolet are evil spirits.." Etc.

Mr Morgan himself was not the "devil," rather a vessel for the evil spirit.

"Fifolet" are almost like orbs, spirits that haunt the bayou. Depending on who you ask, they can lead you to good luck, or lead you to horrible luck. Sam and Judd entered the bayou that night in search of the Fifolet, assuming it could somehow cure Judd's mother.  

I'm so fascinated by bayou folklore and the visual aesthetics a gritty Louisiana swamp provides us. I knew I had to write something that used as much of it as I could so I, *confession* actually wrote a series of five bayou stories, all following this same storyline. I know I'm supposed to upload these in the series section of the site, but I wrote them as such that each short can be enjoyed a la carte.  

I'll post part 2 next week.

Understand. Hey, I think the change of Mr. Morgan comes too suddenly. I feel there is a structure problem because of this sudden turn, and an act is missing.

I expected these kids go out from Mr Morgans house back into the bayou. They carry their flashlights, maybe Mr Morgan comes with them and his character is turning, we start to have doubt in his character, then maybe he betrays his true identity by making a mistake. For example he suddenly sees with his eyes something. Then we are in a life and death climax between him and the boys...

That's just an example why I criticize the twist with the evil. There's more tension when you play with us than let him just change into bad.

Thanks for the input. I think that would indeed create a little more tension. I'll take a look at it on the rewrite.

Hey Matthew.

For the most part, this read clean to me.  Good amount of steady, flowing action and just enough description to paint the picture without cluttering the read.  I especially like your initial description of Mr. Morgan.  Well done.

Something I would suggest is when Sam runs out of the house and you set up that slug, I would write that normally as in:  EXT. SWAMP - NIGHT

You could write the scene as Sam sees it like you would any other scene and when you have Judd walk out moments later, rewrite that same scene with what he sees.  I thing it would read a bit cleaner IMO.

So onto the story itself.  PrussianMosby had a valid point with Mr. Morgans sudden change.  It didn't bother me a whole lot but I think that some kind of inkling after the boys were invited into his home could have done the trick.

When Sam pulls out the mirror necklace, I would have thought that it would have drawn at least a subtle reaction from Mr. Morgan as it's the only thing keeping him from taking Sam.  In this instance, body language could play a pivotal role in how it's portrayed.  Mr. Morgan "tisks" and shakes his head at the sight of the mirror necklace but I feel that there would have been some minor discomfort and that subtle reaction could be part of that transformation.

In either case, I enjoyed the read.  Good luck.

Johnny

Hey Johnny,

Sorry I didn't get to reply earlier. Thank you for reading.

It's funny because I chopped a good amount of action off of the story as you read it now.. I get so immersed in the worlds that I'm describing, that I overshare. Not the worst problem to have, I suppose.

I was wondering how to set up the slugs for Sam's POV in the front yard. I think your way reads easier as well, thanks!

Mr. Morgan's change happens when he goes in back room of his cabin towards the end. Before this point, he's just a regualr old man. His forewarning of the devil and caution for the fifolet, are genuine.

But because he let these boys into his home, he unfortunately brought the devil in as well.

I'm now mulling over just combining all five stories that revolve around the bayou and these characters into a feature.. In your opinion, does the "feature" section get as much attention?

I can totally relate to the detail aspect and wanting to really describe what you picture in your head.  I see novel writing as more of an oil painting while script writing is more of a water color.  One is caked with deep, rich color while the other is light while still illustrative.  That's kind of what I think of when it comes to description.

With regards to Mr. Morgan's transformation, it didn't really read the way you were aiming for.  I get that he's a regular old man giving the warning but then goes to the back room to "change".  If that were the case, I would think that Mr. Morgan would give a more urgent warning as what's to become of him before it's too late.  I don't know, those are just my thoughts.

Features are kind of a different territory IMO.  Usually everyone has the time to read a 10 pager (If the formatting and grammar are there) and give some good feedback.  With features I'm not too sure.  SS vets get some attention for sure but because they've given so much feedback to so many members.  Usually I don't tackle features unless someone actually asks me and has given some feedback on other scripts.  I've seen your input on some shorts here so I'm sure if you ask a few favors, you'll get some help.

Take it easy.