Red Cross by Nemanja Jankovic - Thriller - Michael is an American soldier who wakes up alone in a dark unfamiliar room . He doesn't remember anything and doesn't know for what reason is here and who's locked him in there. Michael slowly recalls the memories from the Iraq War, that he thinks is still not finished. 99 pages - pdf, format 8)

I looked at this because I enjoy war drama's. I like how you tried to incorporate some comedy and I am guessing that English isn't a first language.
You have a very clear picture in your head of these scene which is great, but 'I would take out a lot of the “We see, We move, ect,”

Also, I don't think they had trench warfare during the Iraq war, but I may be misinformed on that front.
The writing a bit choppy, (some time we looking at these landscapes?). Keep writing and reading scripts!  

First - Hi to all of you.

Thanks for the quick review and thank you Don for putting the script. It was quick.

I'm glad that you like the beginning of the story. Yes, English isn't my first language. I know that there are grammar errors, but it will be fixed.
Whoever is reading, it's better to ignore these errors. As I said, will be fixed.

About trenches, it's more like improvised trench with sandbags. The first line of defense. They stopped there to regroup.

And about "choppy". What did you mean when you said that?

Is anyone else looked at the script? Thoughts?

Nemanja,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but there's problems with you script right off the bat, which will turn off readers in a heartbeat.

For example;  your first bit of action goes 7 lines,  when if fact if should be broken up  2-4 lines max.  Also, I can see English might be your second language as some of your grammar is off.  I wish you luck on that.  Keep trying.

Thirdly, some of your action lines are written in past tense.  Need to be written in present tense.

It's quid pro quo around here so the best thing for you to do (besides working out the kinks I listed above ) is read other peoples scripts and comment on them, then usually people will be more than happy to return the favor.  Hope this helps.

At first, thanks for the tips!

About the lines, I didn't know that it should be less lines, so I tried not to stringing them, but to be one below the other. It's a good tip. Thanks. It will be fixed.

About grammar, it is fixed in the next version. Yes, English isn't my first language.

About tenses, I can't remember where I've written in the past tense. I think it's all like "He leaves the bottle on the same table and goes to check the other rooms". I may be wrong, but I think it's like that.

And the last paragraph, I didn't know about the traditions here. I'll try to leave some comments on other scripts, but it really takes a lot of time for me,  because I need more time when I read English than the native language.

Thank you for the tips, especially for the lines!

You're welcome.  Reading good scripts will hopefully help you improve your English.   I can't imagine how hard it would be for me to try to read/write a script in Chinese.  

So good job that you've made it this far.   Also, get rid of the "We see's".

Sorry I can't be more help at this time.

A lot of "We see's..." I saw in other good scripts that I read.

You were helpful, thanks!

And one more question. What to you think about the idea, story, dialogue?

I red a little bit looks decent.  I like characters and angry sergant.

Hey Nemanja, welcome to the boards. Like some of the guys have said, it's a quid pro quo job here, so read other scripts to build up some cred.

Took a quick look at this - and really it's one of those situations when I think 'why has someone taken all this effort to write a feature?' Really, you need to pull a couple of shorts out to get the feel of how to do this, and then invest in a feature. And I can assure you, that a feature is a real investment in time, effort, mental energy. And sorry, but you don't yet have the skills required to pull one off. Excuse the inuendo.

Going for some concrete examples:

We see shots of the battlefield from "bird's-eye view."
--your opening image is important. This actually tells us nothing about what we actually see.

One of my favourite opening's is Zaillian's Girl With A Dragon Tattoo:
"A Christmas card vista is spoiled by a black line of railroad tracks stitched onto the snowy landscape like a scar pointing north to icy desolation"

You immediately get the visual image.

We see beautiful scenes of sandy fields.
-- "beautiful sandy fields" is what they actually are, so work your description from there.

         DON (O.S.)
Mmmmmmmm... it becomes damn boring here.
--Like your opening image, your opening dialogue is important too. Generally people avoid V.O. in openings, although they can work if done right. But you're dealing with a disembodied character here which the audience has no relation with. And if your opening image didn't kill things off, your 'Mmmm damn boring..." will make sure the job's done. Maybe something along the lines of "It's the monotony that gets you..." just something a little more interesting..?

Most of them were dressed in proper military equipment
--This is your past tense "Most are dressed..." is the present tense.

The camera is placed in the trench
--I'm not sure what this means? Is this a camera that the soldiers are using, or is this the actually cinematography that you're talking about/dictating? If the latter, then please avoid if at all possible.

Your script's a mess, and it'll take a lot of dedication to get it right. If you want to get it right, then realistically prepare for a couple of years work before this is up to scratch. If that sounds too much and you don't have the dedication, then you need to quit.

All the best to you.

Simon.

At first, thanks for the review. I appreciate it.

Quoted Text Took a quick look at this - and really it's one of those situations when I think 'why has someone taken all this effort to write a feature?' Really, you need to pull a couple of shorts out to get the feel of how to do this, and then invest in a feature. And I can assure you, that a feature is a real investment in time, effort, mental energy. And sorry, but you don't yet have the skills required to pull one off. Excuse the inuendo.

The first idea was to write a short film, but I opted for feature. In the coming period I will surely write a short.

Quoted Text We see shots of the battlefield from "bird's-eye view." --your opening image is important. This actually tells us nothing about what we actually see.

It is written that the sandy battlefield covered by the hills. I think that's enough, because I can't describe it accurately to the millimeter where the hills exactly are. For example, a lot of films begins as we see the forest, and the car goes through it. It's not necessary to describe in detail what forest looks like.

Quoted Text DON (O.S.) Mmmmmmmm... it becomes damn boring here. --Like your opening image, your opening dialogue is important too. Generally people avoid V.O. in openings, although they can work if done right. But you're dealing with a disembodied character here which the audience has no relation with. And if your opening image didn't kill things off, your 'Mmmm damn boring..." will make sure the job's done. Maybe something along the lines of "It's the monotony that gets you..." just something a little more interesting..?

There are films that begins as we see a car that is taken from the bird's eye view and, for example, we hear the family talking to each other, and we don't see them.
I respect your opinion, but I think this is quite ok.

Quoted Text Most of them were dressed in proper military equipment --This is your past tense "Most are dressed..." is the present tense.

Yes, you're right. I missed that. Thank you.

Quoted Text The camera is placed in the trench --I'm not sure what this means? Is this a camera that the soldiers are using, or is this the actually cinematography that you're talking about/dictating? If the latter, then please avoid if at all possible.

Yes, it's cinematography. Soldiers holds rifles in a war, not cameras. A job, which should be performed by the director, I used a minimum. Maybe 3 times.

---

Quoted from INTS I red a little bit looks decent.  I like characters and angry sergant.

Thank you for read. After about 15 pages, the story is practically reduced to one and two characters.