The Night I-75 Closed by Ed Beach (crusadervoice) - Short - A young woman's life is changed forever when crosses paths with a minor league hockey team at Kentucky truck stop during an ice storm that closes in the highway. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Wow, Ed, seriously?  How many errors are in your logline?  Absolutely terrible, sorry to say.

If you can't write a single sentence correctly, what's the rest of the scipt going to look like?

I recommend you immediately clean this up.

Hey Jeff, just saying that I've had loglines mistyped before. It may be not what ed submitted. Time will tell. If it was then...well!

Ed-

Read the first 5. Some typos you'll easily find with a careful review, but that's not really the issue. 5 pages in and there's no plot. It's just some sophomoric hockey players with one liners that aren't really funny. Also, the over/under bet on getting laid is just too cliché. Whatever you're saving to payoff later, I think you'll need to move it up in the story to keep the reader interested. Hope this helps.

Hey Ed,

I don't have a lot of time to read today, but I will get around to it soon. I opened it up and took a quick peek:

Your first line reads odd. The adjective clause "their lights flashing" doesn't support a smooth structure because it implies the flashing lights are blocking the intersection and not the patrol cars. It's probably better to move the modifier to the front of the sentence in this case. Also no need to put "their" because a noun gains possession of the modifier through its placement.

Also Lexie's introduction is a bit of a mess. I think you meant "welt" not "welp" and their is no need to modify the welt with swelling because it's already a gimme.  I recommend using a description pattern that denotes attractive, and then add emphasis -- the welt at the end.

It's overwritten for sure, but all I see are a few chops here and there right now. The dialogue runs a bit long and thin.  Maybe use more passages to wrap around it perhaps.

I'll check it out in more depth later.

Johnny

Sorry, everybody. I've been working on something bigger but in a very off-and-on way and started to get unsure of myself.

I wrote this little piece to kick-start the writing process again but it looks like I turned it around too fast. It's based on a real event but for various reasons I needed to change everyone's name.

While this short has nothing to do with the other writing project, I had a feeling this sinking feeling that it was dialogue heavy and not moving enough. And it wasn't the story's fault, it was more me. I need to revisit some writing choices again (and / or start posting in Works In Progress and have you all tear it to pieces there).

Writing shorts has helped correct some things before so I don't repeat mistakes later but this thing appears to have so many in it that may be setting me back to apply everything needed.