A Furtive Response by Anthony Cawood - Short, Drama - A wife loses herself in the TV as a husband watches the clock & works on his secret in the basement. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

It's a sweet story of heartache and despair, although you telegraphed the ending from the very beginning by showing the toys in the overgrown weeds.

I almost didn't make it past the first couple of pages, as there were several grammatical errors littered throughout, but pushed on through.  My thoughts on finishing were:  the story is good, it runs on a little long or there's a lack of relevance to certain pieces of the story.

For example, why have the part about Mr. Adams in there?  He doesn't play any role in the story, and it's unclear why we meet him in the first place.  Is he the landlord?  A neighbor?

You also had a little bit of a misdirection for us American readers.  You mention Martin working on a clock, and shortly thereafter he's working on a bomber, which I'm sure is slang for something in the U.K., but when you put bomber and clock back to back like that, it makes it appear that Martin is building a bomb.  Maybe that's the impression you wanted to give, but it came off a little weird for me.

The story ending on the right note, I think, but if you want the reader to get there, give this a good edit for grammar -- there's a lot of missed commas or using the singular noun or verb when the plural was required, that kind of thing.  I think if you can fix those things, you'll have a pretty decent little effort here.

Good luck,
Gary

I didn't realize that I read another one of your sripts, A Certain Romance, earlier until I reread this script . I didn't find it hard to read to the ending, but I agree that putting the word bomber threw me off. I also agree that Mr. Adams services no purpose. Overall it was okay.

Writer,

This was pretty good. Nice visuals, a sad tale. I'd like to go on, but until you show up what's the point?

Steve

Hi Antony,

I read this just after From Time to Time. A similar theme in that you suggest something sinister but the reveal is something touching.

This isn’t as overly long or riddled with camera shots like Time is but it still could use a good trim. You draw things out for dramatic effect but the result is you draw them out too much.  As others have said Mr Adams serves no purpose to the story.

The difference between a script and a novel is everything in the script needs to lean, concise. Every piece of action should reveal to the audience something new. At the end of every page the reader should be engrossed and can’t wait to find out what happens next; hence the term ‘a real page turner’.  Faye watching soap after soap as her husband tinkers around in the basement is not the most exciting of activities so drawing it out overly long will lose your audience’s attention quickly.

As with Time I ended up scanning through to see what happens, if this had been a feature length script I’d have given up after a few pages.

I hope my comments help

Mark

Quoted from Mark As others have said Mr Adams serves no purpose to the story.

Not too sure about that one, guys.  I think Faye's reaction to Mr. Adams is very telling, and adds some much needed dialogue to the opening.  We also realize, through Mr. Adams' dialogue, that Faye's daughter has probably been dead awhile now.  So this messy lawn thing has been going on for quite some time.  Personal preference perhaps, but I think it added to the story.

Steve

If a character is merely created for the purposes of exposition then they could be deemed surplus. Perhaps there is another way of revealing those things.

Quoted from SAC Not too sure about that one, guys.  I think Faye's reaction to Mr. Adams is very telling, and adds some much needed dialogue to the opening.  We also realize, through Mr. Adams' dialogue, that Faye's daughter has probably been dead awhile now.  So this messy lawn thing has been going on for quite some time.  Personal preference perhaps, but I think it added to the story. Steve

The toys in the long grass shows us everything we need to know. It's a great example of how to 'show without telling' and doesn't need exposition to explain it to the audience. What extra does the discussion with Mr Adams reveal?

If this was the only unnecessary, inefficient part of the script then I don’t think it would have been highlighted as much, it’s just the most obvious example.

Apols to all for my tardy response, hadn't realised the scripts were live and receiving feedback - so thanks to all for taking the time.

In response to a couple of the pieces:-

Mr Adams - was actually a suggestion from a different writing forum to provide an alternate POV and add a dimension beyond the toys. Always interesting to get alternate views so I'm torn now... keep him or edit him out?

Toys - I agree they 'show' fine but Mr Adams is meant to help show Faye's emotional state.

Grammar - not my strong point, but will have another look through and try and tighten, and thanks for persevering.

Clock/bomber - A bomber is a plane that drops bombs, a model, usually WWII didn't realise it wasn't a term used in the US but if it's accidentally given the impression that his special project is making a bomb then that's ok ;-)

So many thanks to all for your comments and feedback - I feel a re-write coming on.

Anthony

Hi Anthony,

This was a nice read, good descriptions, which I felt made this script despite some readers may think it needs trimming.

I think the way you have written this is really quite accurate.
There is a clear showing of love and care between the two but there is this pain which makes them distance from one another, this makes the piece more intriguing. Rather than having Faye and Martin deal with this together as husband and wife would usually do, you have taken a different direction. A wonderful story of how each person deals with losing a loved one.

I also agree with Steve, Mr Adams should stay. To me this tells us that Faye has this home which was once a happy family home and no one can take it from her not even her landlord.

Lee

Hi Lee - thanks for the read and the really kind/positive words, pleased it worked so well for you.

This script is currently in post-production, so will let you know when it's finished and can be seen.

Thanks again

Anthony

Hi Ant,

That's great news, looking forward to seeing it.

Lee

Anthony,

Nice job on this. A few grammar mishaps but easy enough to overlook. (grammar gets the best of me more often than I would like)

I don't see anything wrong with The Mr. Adams character at the beginning of this. I think it adds to the intro to Faye's character. And subtle enough.

Much of it is subtle and low key. I can Appreciate that. Thought  you did a nice job showing how each character is dealing with their grief. And thought it was quite interesting that Martin was working on that particular project. Maybe was slightly confused as to the significance of it and the bomber. I understand he was painting the doll house for his daughter's "anniversary" and working on his project. Which I assume will be set off when the dollhouse is finished? But all in all it was quirky and interesting enough that i bought it.

For some reason I was getting a Tim Burton Vibe while reading this. Probably just thinking and projecting too much today.

But I thought this was a unique and interesting idea on handling grief.

Nice job. Cool to hear this is in post. Hope to see it sometime.

This one never made it out of post-production, then it got badly made without my permission (and taken down from YouTube for copyright infringement) but has now been re-optioned, fingers crossed for the new version!