Less than a Dollar by Nikhil Bhagat (Nik B) - Short, Drama - "Can a Dollar change your life?" Mike's life takes big turn in just a few minutes on his business trip. 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

Nikhil,

I read the whole script.  

It seems like English isn't your primary language as everything sounds a little like it went through an online translator.  

Your dialogue is on-the-nose, your story is predictable, and you misspelled "McDondonald's" and "engery" .

One thing I had a problem with is McDonalds serving a cheeseburger in Mumbai.  Cows are sacred in most of India so I had a difficult time believing that these kids would eat a cheeseburger.

I would normally say that you should omit camera directions but I think you're going to direct this yourself.

While your story isn't a bad one, it's nothing new.  I suggest reading a lot more scripts and keep writing until you're fluent in English.

Jordan

Hey Nik B

I had a gander at the first 8 pages. And I had a couple questions.

1: I'm not sure but aren't you supposed to stay away from angle and camera movements in the script.

2: Do people call them R's? Reva said she was "50 R's short today". Sounded kind of funny.

I'll finish it in a little while. And let you know what else I think. If you care to hear.

-B

Hi there - a few thoughts and ideas to tighten things up...

1) If you arent going to direct this yourself then you need to take out most of the camera angle/movements - directors and dops like to make their own decisions.
2) You need to look at some of the dialogue elements, e.g. Reva uses the phrase '50% discount' on page 3, would a 9yr old not say half price or really cheap? The dialogue needs to sound real for the character and age.
3) Wouldn't they just share a burger when they got enough money, not sure homeless street kids would wait for one each?
4) As mentioned already there's a few instances where you need to recruit someone with better English skills to help with the script.

I'd have a loo at these and the other comments and re-write.

Anthony

Thanks for feedback guys and sorry for a late reply.

@Jordan : Yes English is not my primary language and it is supposed to re written by an experienced film writer.
This is also my first ever screenplay/story so I would love to hear from you guys to make it better.

Could you suggest me something to make this story not-so-predictable? Any new twists are welcome.

In India Cows are sacred so they don't eat "Ham burgers" but can certainly eat cheese products as it is a dairy product and is accepted by everyone.

Camera suggestion noted. Will change that and read more scripts.


@B : yes I do care to hear from you. The "Rs" is in fact Rupees. The denomination of India. In short it's written as Rs.  


@Anthony: suggestion 1 and 2 taken. I should use the words "half price" , it sounds proper.

In the story they couldn't wait anymore since  Reva has been saving money since morning (skipped the breakfast) and by now her brother was starving and impatient. So she decides so sell everything off at half price as a desperate move. She DID have the option to share that remaining burger with her brother, but she didn't coz of 2 reasons. 1: he was hungry since morning and that little burger was not enough to  make even one person satisfied, so she lies and curbs her desire just to see him happy. It's a very common scene in homeless people where Moms skip meals to keep their children happy. Such a sacrifice and caring  from a 9 year old is what surprises Mike and makes him feel guilty for not helping her with that 50 Rupees which meant so much to her.

I have a request for everyone to write some suggestion s and views from the "viewers" point of view. In terms of emotions. Does the theme "Can one dollar change your life"  really come true as is expected by a viewer ? Does it create any impact on thinking or one's  feelings ?  If yes what part "touched"  you? And what part seemed unnecessary?

All suggestions are welcome. Thanks again for valuable feedback...

Nikhil