The Silent Machine by Matthew B. Morrell - Series, Drama, Supernatural, Legal, Political - With his faith waning, Daniel A. Hamilton witnesses something impossible, something extraordinary, and something horrifically supernatural about Alexandra Abrahams. Beyond both boy and girl however, the powder keg to a secret war is about to be lit between powerful organizations vying to control faith, magic, and the very lives of American Citizens. 49 pages - pdf, format 8)

Matthew,

While your writing isn't bad, your script reads more like a novel.

A few notes as I go:

• Pg. 1  You need a left justified "FADE IN:"
  
• Pg. 1  You don't need the scene numbers in a spec script.
  
• Pg. 1  Your opening paragraph is pretty much all unfilmable.  "One could hardly tell they had entered a "red state.""  One definitely can't tell they're in a Red State from your description thus far, so leave the line out and save yourself some space on the page.
  
• Pg. 1  Hip holsters like this?
  
  
  Not a very intimidating society.  I'd mention pistols or revolvers.  
  
• Pg. 1  How do I know the mom and pop stores are clutching to the spot in the city?  How do you show that?
  
• Pg. 1  Is it the "SUPER WHOLESALE STORE"?  Or is it "Trinity Mart"?
  
• Pg. 1  Marque:  license or commission granted by a state to a private citizen to capture and confiscate the merchant ships of another nation.
  I think you mean "marquee".
  
• Pg. 1  You don't need to state "INSIDE" because you already established that this scene takes place, "EXT./INT."
  
• Pg. 1  You capitalize "YOUNG MAN" and then you again state that this is "DANIEL A. HAMILTON, 19".  Just call him Daniel from the beginning.
  
• Pg. 1  What does someone with wit look like?  I'm sure we've all met people who look smart but are actually morons and vice versa.  Show me his wit, don't tell me he's witty.
  
• Pg. 1  Again:  COWORKER=OLIVER WILLCOTT, 23.  Just introduce him as Oliver Willcott.
  
• Pg. 1  "Linebacker" is one word.
  

I'm sure a lot of the other readers on here will see the same things I've stated and stop reading right around the bottom of page 1, if they even make it that far.

You may have a good story here but it's so buried under unnecessary words that it's a struggle to get through.

Read a lot of scripts, write a lot of scripts, and comment on a lot of scripts and you'll learn the error of your ways and become a good screenwriter in no time.

Jordan