All That You Loved by Blake Goeres - Short, Drama - Alex has just returned home from his business trip and he's not very happy. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Blake;

I got a kick out of this one, I really did. Man, procrastination... the mother of all excuses!

I think you should expand on this a bit more, and have Alex decide to take his rogue dispensation into the street, or even his place of employment. Not that he would run amok and kill people in a psychotic rage, just the mindset that he could, and with that, unleash all his pent up frustration and depression onto those who are NOT the cause of his emotional suffering. The funny part being, of course, that he brings to the table his compulsive disorder to be neat and tidy, and his obsessive accusations of someone or something (that we never see) being responsible for his condition.

Anyways, as it stands though, I think this is pretty good. Take care... Rick.

Thanks admin for posting.

I need to work on my log lines

@afarassiam - Thanks for the feedback man. I'm glad you got a kick out of it.

I kept it short because I plan to film this for a class I'm taking so I wanted it to be easy to do. Maybe later down the road I'll come back and go crazy on it. For now this is probably what will be filmed.

I'm glad you liked it and I appreciate the feedback.

-B

Blake,

Loglines aren't easy. But you also need to polish your writing. I'm hardly William Blake myself. More pot and kettle.

Still, this -

Quoted from All That You Loved INT. ALEX’S HOUSE Alex has a small Three bedroom Two bathroom house. The inside of the house is very neat and clean. The walls are empty, the house almost looks new.

- needs work. The header tells us it's his house so you don't need to repeat that in the description. The header also tells us we're inside so you don't need to mention that again in the action lines. As this is a short and we won't be here too long you can be more sparse with information.

Nobody much cares how many bedrooms or bathrooms the place has, we're not gonna buy the place.

Instead -

INT. ALEX'S HOUSE

Small, neat and clean. The walls are bare. The place appears new.


You also need to add - LIVING ROOM, or whatever room we're supposed to be in, to the header. And DAY or NIGHT to end the header. You'll get the idea.

I liked the title a lot.Story wise, wasn't bad. Seemed fairly fresh and had some good moments.

If you read more scripts you could rewrite this in a few weeks and it would work a lot better.

R

@Rendevous

I see what your saying about going into way to much detail. I'll have to cut back.

As for the NIGHT thing, I cut those out because there is no real long passage of time. Every scene is at night moments after each other. I probably coul has added something like MOMENTS LATER but I figured that would get annoying.

Thanks for the feedback. Greatly appreciated.

-B

Hey, you're welcome.

Unless it's obvious that the next scene immediately follows the previous one, you should use something at the end of the header.

I very much doubt even the pedants out there would get annoyed. Not doing so tends to look like slackness.

R

Hey Blake,

Had a read.  Not a bad premise, although your ending I have read before.  It's the old "cut to black," hear the gunshot and we're all left wondering WTF happened.  While it may have its place, I think its way too overused and far too ineffective.  Actually, it's more like a cop out instead of a real ending, if you get me.  Not saying the story was bad, just saying the ending was cliché.

Anyway, writing-wise, this is way overwritten and suffers from a lot of repetitiveness in the descriptions of the house.  We get that he's a bit of a neat freak, no need to beat us over the head with it.

Quoted Text Alex pounds the steering wheel in anger and frustration.

This is awkwardly written, seeing as just prior to this description Alex says, "Fuck!"  So, we kinda know he's pissed.  And just the fact that he pounds the steering wheel alone tells us he is angry and/or frustrated.

You seem to have a lot of stuff like that going on in your story.

Also --

Quoted Text The desk is neatly organized.  It has a clock and papers neatly organized into two piles.

  
First, you said "neatly organized twice in the same paragraph.  Second, the second sentence really isn't necessary if you think about it.  I think "the desk is neatly organized" works just fine by itself.

Sorry I couldn't be more positive, Blake.  You need to correct the overwriting issues, as well as condensing your action and simplifying things.  You seem to be over thinking, trying to get us to see every last little detail, when all we need to see is just a bit to get your vision.

Hope this helps,

Steve

@stevenclark

Hey Steve, thanks for the feedback.

As for being over descriptive, I see what your saying. I need to cut the paragraphs down.

As for the clock and the papers, I had a scene with them but decided to cut them. I missed that sentence.

And for the cut to black. I see what your saying as overused. When I do(if ever) expand the story even longer definitely will have a completely different ending.

Thanks Man or being brutally honest. Need that.

-B

Blake,

Have to agree with Steve above. Scenes are overwritten, slug lines need help as well which could shave 1-2 pages off the script. Saying that, I did enjoy the script though I could the ending coming. Had a feeling for some reason you were gonna leave us wondering if he kills himself or not.

Best of luck filming. Hope it turns out like you envision it.

-Dirk

Blake,

Correct the previous issues mentioned and you got a neat little scene. This reminded me of a "The Wire." There is an entire scene of the invesigators saying "fuck* as they search a refrigerator for bullet evidence. Funny as hell.

Gl with the story.

Tony.

Blake,

Hey. I guess what I was trying to say is that, due to all the unnecessary descriptions, your script is lacking flow. It needs to read easier on the eye. Cutting some of the exposition down, getting to the point will take care of all that for you.

As for your ending, as I was reading I did enjoy how he constantly got sidetracked. Sounds like Alex is OCD. And I was hoping when he finally took care of everything, that ultimately the gun would be out of bullets! Just my take.

Steve

Hello Blake,

I think you should have a better formatting here
Title page, all those CONTINUED, descriptions shouldn't be in parentheses, etc.

I would suggest you to write only in simple present. The progressive forms have no place in screenplays. They are visualized more as a state, a stopping, a break. The simple present on the other side is a progressive process clocked by punctuation. To bring variety inside this constant requirement, that's the task. I mention this, because it seems you want to write very clear and clean, there's a noticeable want in your writing; (out of the fact that it's way overwritten and partly very passive). That intention alone is good, follow that.


I agree with the things the foregone comments pointed out concerning the ending.

The picture with the bucket is fine. Imagine he would place it on the ground, behind the chair he sits on, and the last thing we see is- blood runs down his head and precisely falls into the bucket. On the other side this would be contradictory, because finally you implied he gave up on his system by wildly shooting around and all that. So, just an input here.

I got some problems with a few parts.

I don't like he punches the photo of his kids, throws the toy away,
and I don't like he calls himself soab after he said his mother he loves her.

I know he's crazy, but, doesn't he focus the anger more on himself than projecting it to others?
I mean, finally he wants to make suicide, he chooses his own head. And mother and kids are not responsible that his wife gone with Frank-
That's wrong here. If a man punches the photo of his kids, I believe the audience would scream: Shoot, Shoot Shoot; when he bites on the barrel.

Another alternative end would be if he suddenly puts the gun out of his mouth and says in rage: "Frrraaankkk" and leaves the house. That would be a good explanation how a murder happens. A cocktail of jealousy, lost, neurosis and no balls to take the consequences on its own-
Yeah that's a kind of story behind the newspaper article we watch down every morning.

So, I see potential. It's not bad. Take a second attempt.
The compulsive orderliness entertains. That is a lot of your content here, so a big postive part of the script.

Give it more balance. It could be more than solid. Good luck

@prussianmoby

I'm confused on where you got his wife ran off with Frank......

As for the photo and the toys. These are all things that remind Alex of his child and wife who are now gone.

The bucket was because he didn't want to get blood all over his room - having it on the floor behind him would defeat the whole purpose.

He doesn't take anything out on his mother so I do not know where that came from.

If that's how people thought the story came out I guess I'll have to change up what actually happens in the story.

Thanks or the Feedback.

-B

Indeed curios.

I try to explain:

"
The fridge is completely empty except a case of beer.
There is a note on the case of beer.
Note Reads: Welcome home bud-Frank
ALEX
Fucking frank.
"

What's the reason for the message, especially the call of the name, if the person isn't part of the story?

I saw it the way: Alex comes home and his (ex)-buddy left a message. I guessed that it's a tit for tat response or sth. like that. Frank took Alex family and left a message for the psycho. By the way, I guessed so, only because there's no other explanation why a message of an unknown Frank is in Alex fridge; who is this Frank; and no precise explanation why Alex family left the house at all.

What other reason is there you give to us to understand which circumstances lead the family to move out the house? So it's just because of Alex neurosis, yes, which is a good reason? But if so, I think there must be a bigger hint to that which is not only given by Alex behavior himself.

And why should this all give him a reason to punch a picture of his own boy and girl? His kids. He still isn't that bad for me that he could raise his fist against his own children. Sure, it's just a framed picture, but regarded with sensitivity that's a heavy metaphor for a father...

Doesn't he call himself son of a b.? Doesn't that mean he calls his mother a b., suddenly? Maybe it's meant as slang here, but it's still strange, because one minute before he spoke on his mother's phone that he loves her...

Mosby-

Woah....you got really deep with the note from Frank. It was intended to show you that Alex has been gone awhile and his friend Frank is welcoming him home wth a case of beer.

He doesn't punch the picture dram he knocks it of the table, he's trying to get rid of anything that reminds him of his Kids and Wife

The "Son of a bitch" comment is towards the picture frame, not Alex himself.

I guess I need to work on a few things to show exactly what each comment is towards.

-B

Most has been highlighted concerning the writing errors i.e., repeating descriptions under slugs etc. and not being succinct with your descriptions but I just want to add another common rookie mistake that you should be aware of:

It has a pool with no jacuzzi.

In this instance you are [i]writing something your audience cannot and will not see - the lack of jacuzzi - unless you see a hole where it once was. On film you audience will just see a swimming pool. My suggestion, instead of showing how neat and orderly everything is would be to ramp it up the other way. Deterioration of relationship equals deterioration of surroundings. These two have split, right? So, show a green mossy swimming pool for example. This would also add to indicate the passage of time and what has happened in his absence.

I also think the bucket is a little random and haphazard, for a character who's presented as pedantic. If he's contemplating the mess he'll make he'd more than likely prepare with a dropsheet or some improvised equivalent.

The story is not bad but my feeling is that it could be a heck of a lot stronger if you include something to actually make your audience feel empathy for your main character - perhaps a quick flashback, discussion with the wife/kids etc. At the moment with the information given I just don't care enough about your main guy but I think you could turn this around quite easily. All the best with the next draft.

@LC

I see what your saying with the pool......

I have a pool guy, so I didn't even think to have the pool tun green, thank you for letting me know about this.

I had a VO before so it was much easier to show passage of time by saying i, I'm struggling with showing it.

Thanks for the feedback man and the tip on the passage of time.

-B

Quoted from B @LC I see what your saying with the pool......I have a pool guy, so I didn't even think to have the pool tun green, thank you for letting me know about this. I had a VO before so it was much easier to show passage of time by saying i, I'm struggling with showing it. -B

You can use lots of tricks to show the passage of time. Some quite obvious ones are letters/newspapers stacked up in a mail box/on the ground (shown sequentially) - for character: a three day or more beard growth, the quite obvious sun coming up going down or alternatively, a character in a sunny room sitting in one spot and that same character in the exact same spot in a darkened room, ditto with a bottle of liquor showing it full and then near empty - a clock on a wall, toys rusting outside or being left out in the rain, (the latter a visual to pull at the heartstrings imh); a change of clothes, or, alternatively the same clothes and a bedraggled look on your character, with the sun coming up etc. etc.

Your story appears to occur in one day or at least in a twenty-four hour period. If you want to show the time lapse since he's been away and returned to a deserted house then some of the ideas above would work and that quite obvious standby: lawn and weed left to grow out of control and perhaps the front gate falling off its hinges, peeling paint, cobwebs etc.