The Colours of Prison by Abdulnasir Imam - Short, Drama - A woman in a mental institution looks back at the last several years of her life and the incidents that led her there. 16 pages - pdf, format 8)

Dialogue is wooden... no flow, no style, no voice... it's bad. Hopefully you're here to learn and not to showcase. I know this may sound like I'm being an arsehole... but you have a way to go before you're at a pro standard. OK... just in case you do think I'm being harsh, here is some help:

Code EXT. A MENTAL HOSPITAL DAY INT. THE WAITING ROOM

Two slugs right after another with no action in the first. If you're filming it yourself then fine.. if not then this doesn't look good. Use the action lines to set the mood. What is the weather like? Does the building look imposing? Get us in the mood.

Code A DOCTOR talks to a COUPLE DOCTOR Here at the Behavioural Health Center, we provide the best care for our patients. If not, I’d say we’re in the top five. Come this way please.

What does he mean... 'if not'? That is a weird thing for a doctor to say.

Code The doctor leads the couple down a hallway. INT. THE HALLWAY

Why not just cut straight to the hallway and have them walking along it. The previous action line is superfluous.

Code LAURA is being pushed in a wheel chair.

How old is Laura? Does she have any distinguishing features that you can reveal? She could be anything from a child to a pensioner.

Code LAURA (V.O) Some say I asked for it... that I ended up here in this cesspool of a place on purpose. They say everyone has a sort of madness in them, a demon. [b]Mine burst out and flew high into the air where insanity lies.[/b] And now I lie here in a mental hospital with its yellow walls, which they tell me are meant to calm you down... it doesn’t, not for me.

If insanity lies in the air, then how could any human be deemed insane? Also she sounds pretty calm to me so maybe the yellow walls are working.

Code EXT. THE GARDEN LAURA and TED sit on a bench while nurses attended to other patients. Laura and Ted stare at PREACHER MAN, who’s on his knees while a nurse watches over him.

Why was she in a wheelchair and then sitting on a bench? Wouldn't she still be in the chair? Unless it's some little quirk of hers... and if so, then you could write that in better.

Needs a lot of work. Good luck on your journey.

Hate to start with notes on format. It's like moaning about the wrapping on a present. But, you've got the dialogue spacing way off. This would be at least a third longer if you formatted correctly.

Further to what Dustin said above, some of your tenses also need work. You've a tendency to drop into past tense too often. Try and keep it in the present. And lose the Cut To stuff.

The dialogue does need some work. It often sounds forced and unnatural.

'The sherrif holds up a bunch of keys?'

This line bewildered me, apart from the spelling. Why's it a question?

I'm getting the impression English isn't your first language. Nevertheless, you need to get this proofread by someone good before you post. Otherwise you'll just get responses like this. Or maybe worse.

It is hard to focus on your story when there's so many mistakes. Sorry I couldn't be more positve.

R