Father and Son by Jonathon - Short, Drama, Comedy - A father reluctantly reconnects with his son. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

I read it all... written well... I just don't know what to make of it exactly. What made you write this story?

Yeah, it was okay. Well written. I too much like Dustin, didn't see a point. Nice dialogue.

Just something that was stuck in my head. A short skit. I think the point of it is, the father never really learned his lesson, even after you think he has. Life goes on.

Jonathon,

"David sedulously rises from his chair?"

Really, as a verb? In this context? It may work if David used it in dialogue (considering he's a bit of a self absorbed pompous but funny prick), but in description it just makes the writer look a little like he's consulted a thesaurus... not that there's anything wrong with that in general.


"Oh,Clark. That’s just your
narcissism acting up. It’ll go
away."

This line, above,  from father to son didn't exactly make me laugh out loud, but it's pretty funny.

And, I think its key to your whole 'skit'/script. Without it I probably wouldn't have got what I think you are going for here.

The reluctant father/mismatched father/son relationship is a great theme to explore and it could be really funny. It's clear these two guys are just never going to get along or see eye to eye despite what's supposed to be an honoured and revered relationship. I think you need to play with that more; be adventurous.

At the moment it just reads as a straight script with a couple of quirky lines of dialogue thrown in.  Without making it farcical (i.e., don't go too far) be brave and inject it with a bit more satire and humour.

The visual at the end with the father deliberately throwing the ball long, is great.

P.S. I didn't go through this for typos, but noticed 'toss's' where it should be 'tosses', and 'uh huh' not 'ah huh'.

I'd def. be interested in reading another draft. :)

Yeah, with Libby on sedulously. I don't know what that's suppose to look like. Just get rid of it. The dialogue implies his demeanor.

On the story, I'm not sure how I feel about it as it is... Yeah. I don't know what to say. Mixed feelings.

-J.S.

Ya exuse sedulously. It would be something that I would have picked up on had I looked it over more thoroughly.

It's a light script, don't look at it too closely, it was merely an attempt on comedy as everything I've written up till now has been dry.  Comedy is an elusive thing for me, and in writing this used 3 cups of coffee to break down inhibitions.

Next one will be better.

good writing. im glad to hear that your practicing to write comedy. i feel the same way of all the genres comedy tends to be hard for me to pin down.

good luck

Ugo

A nice little short and funny in parts. I say "in parts" because I think some parts came off as a little too cruel to laugh at for me.

There were a few points where I felt like I was supposed to laugh but I actually just felt really bad for the (non-existent) kid. Maybe that's me being a little over-sensitive, though.

That said, there were some great lines. "That's just your narcissism acting up" actually made me laugh out loud. Which is pretty rare.

I think maybe making the father a little more likeable would do some good. If he's lazy and inappropriate then it's all good. But, when it borders on him seemingly disliking his son, the story loses me a little.

Hi Jon,

Nice short.

I was wondering for the reasoning behind the distance between clark and his father?

Is it that David is selfish, lazy and or just a bum? He is reluctant to deal with his son and is forced out of his chair by his wife. Strange situation. Sounds to me like David has a minor case of PTSD.

I'm struggling to see the comedy in this? Unless this humour is found only in the darkest depth of the big blue sea then I'm not sure I will find it. Don't get me wrong I'm all about the dead pan humour, but not taking care of your son when he is upset, I fail to see the funny side.  

This has no reflection on your writing ability at all, it kept me reading, I'm just not seeing the comedy element.

Regards

Lee