Terminal Z by Anthony Cawood - Short, Horror - A critically ill patient seeks a radical cure as his surgeon tries to disuade him from his terminal choice. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Story definitely requires suspension of belief.  As for me,  I don't care how sick I was I wouldn't go through that crap.  As for the writing it was sparse & concise.  Good job on that.  Maybe a little too much chit chat.   Storywise, it was predictable.

Concept is kind of cool, but the title gives away far too much.  There are no surprises here.

It also seems like they would have the process fine-tuned to an injection -- or some other less-savage alternative -- and thus, you might conceal your final twist further still.  Personally, I would lose the Brad Pitt line altogether.

Writing is fine and the story is fine for what it is, but with a different title and a bit more slight-of-hand to disguise what is coming next, I think the story might be improved.

Thanks bert and Silverbck - appreciate your comments... was previousl titled Hypocratic Contradiction but that felt a little over blown so changed to this, fortunately title is easily changed ;-)

Very good. Yes predictable, too much dialogue, but that can be figured out. You've got a pretty decent story here, with some work it could be much better. I think Bert's idea of an injection is sound and can be worked in dramatically while still keeping the customer satisfied with a visual zombie, or two.

Dustin - thanks as always, some more work to tighten it is on my schedule for the w/e ;-)

terminal z lol. im slow so it took me  awhile to get it but yea the brad pitt gave it away. also i agree with dialogue. a little to much but the story is good. had me chuckle a little.  have a good one

ugo

Thanks Ugo and all.

Worked on some revisions last night so have weeded the dialogue, removed Brad Pitt and created an alternate version that uses injection.

Will re-look at the weekend for further edits nd tweaks will work on a new title too.

Cheers

Anthony

great to hear. hopefully read it soon

ugo

Not much to add. I read it before I read the other comments so have to agree with the title change. As it's a short and five or so of the eight pages are spent in one room it would add something to start there then have him wheeled out of there after a page or two. They could talk while they make their way past some interesting sights. Had some nice ideas.

R

Thanks to all for your feedback on this one earlier in the year, it's just being picked up by a Producer/Director in LA.

Thanks

Anthony

Anthony,

Not really a fan of zombie flicks but this was quite original. As another commenter mentioned the Z sort of have it away a little, as well as the mention of Brad Pitt. But I don't guess you were trying to hide it was a zombie script, after all.

I enjoyed the little nuances you threw in regarding Mr. Conran... His neat desk, everything in order, him fiddling with his pen then dropping it to match his tone. Those type of things are not wasted on me. I enjoy stuff like that alot.

I liked the ending as well. Although I think you could've built up alot more tension between Darren and the zombie. As written, it seems like it's a foregone conclusion that this is whats gonna happen, so let's just let the blood curdling screams, biting and tearing, remain off camera. I realize you did that to cut production costs. But I think if you let Darren do a slow walk-up to the zombie it might add some tension.

Anyway, good luck with this. Pretty good!

Steve

Thanks Steve,

I've seen this theme done a load of times, but always with vampires so thought this would be a decent twist.

I think you are right re the Z and Brad Pitt, original title was Hypocratic Contradiction and later draft has Brad Pitt removed for the reason you call out.

And you're spot on re ending, figured it being off screen would keep the prod costs down. Tension, hmmm, well Darren selected his fate so I saw it as a foregone conclusion, but I can see where you are coming from.

Read and thoughts appreciated as always, may get chance to reflect some of them as I'm waiting on note/amends to the script.

Thanks

Anthony