Un-Friend by Jason Mickey - Short, Horror, Drama - Ali, a shy teenage girl decides to throw a small party at the end of her senior year. But soon, a night of excitement, turns to a night of terror as the small group of teens are killed one by one. This is not like most slashers, it is realistic and a fun read. - pdf, format 8)

Fixed. Apologies.  

Don

Hello Jason.

"This is not like most slashers, it is realistic and a fun read"  Sounds kinda desperate on your part.  Your story should speak for itself but I'll bite.

Read through page 1 and all that has happened is a girl wakes up, showers, and reads a note.  That's about it.  Scriptwriting is all about the bare bones of a story with some peppered details so that we have an idea of the story without having to read through a novel.  The majority of your writing is geared towards a novel than an actual screenplay.

You really have to consider what you put in your action lines as everything in them is necessary.  Do we NEED to know that she tests the water with her hand.  Do you NEED to describe her turning on the shower or would simply, "Ali turns on the shower" suffice?  Is the shower scene even necessary at all?  Gliding us briskly through to the plot is what you're after and all these unnecessary little details are grinding the sail to a halt.

I suggest you check out a few scripts here on the site to gain a better grasp on how scripts should read.  Take care.

-Johnny

Quoted from RegularJohn Hello Jason. "This is not like most slashers, it is realistic and a fun read"  Sounds kinda desperate on your part.  Your story should speak for itself but I'll bite. Read through page 1 and all that has happened is a girl wakes up, showers, and reads a note.  That's about it.

Well, that covers the realistic part.   ;D :P

Quoted from RegularJohn Hello Jason. "This is not like most slashers, it is realistic and a fun read"  Sounds kinda desperate on your part.  Your story should speak for itself but I'll bite. Read through page 1 and all that has happened is a girl wakes up, showers, and reads a note.  That's about it.  Scriptwriting is all about the bare bones of a story with some peppered details so that we have an idea of the story without having to read through a novel.  The majority of your writing is geared towards a novel than an actual screenplay. You really have to consider what you put in your action lines as everything in them is necessary.  Do we NEED to know that she tests the water with her hand.  Do you NEED to describe her turning on the shower or would simply, "Ali turns on the shower" suffice?  Is the shower scene even necessary at all?  Gliding us briskly through to the plot is what you're after and all these unnecessary little details are grinding the sail to a halt. I suggest you check out a few scripts here on the site to gain a better grasp on how scripts should read.  Take care. -Johnny

Well thank you for the pointers. Go ahead and have a nice day, ;)

Hello Jason,

I didn't realize this was only 42 pages long.  It's a little long for a short and too short for a feature.

I'll read this and offer detailed notes for you, only after you stick around the board for a while, read some scripts, and start interacting with the people here.  Sorry it's nothing against you, but it's my new policy with new members, starting yesterday.  Haha don't ask why, long story.


Take care, and I can't wait to read it!  I love slashers! :)

Quoted from Guest Hello Jason, I didn't realize this was only 42 pages long.  It's a little long for a short and too short for a feature. I'll read this and offer detailed notes for you, only after you stick around the board for a while, read some scripts, and start interacting with the people here.  Sorry it's nothing against you, but it's my new policy with new members, starting yesterday.  Haha don't ask why, long story. Take care, and I can't wait to read it!  I love slashers! :)

Okay, will do... I did see a few  new scripts that seemed interesting.