The Wake by Robin Mathews - Horror - A group of ambitious young friends set out to investigate the truth behind a dark fabled tale from their hometown, running for 3 dark nights. 99 pages - pdf, format 8)

The VO at the beginning didn't really make any sense to me.

I'm not fond of 'we see' in scripts. I can bear the odd one. However , on page one 'wee see' is just taking the piss. Or having a good look at it.

Maybe there's a younger audience for this, but I wasn't really buying any of it.

Sorry not to be more positive.

R

Hey Robin, what's up?  I'm always looking for a good horror script to read...but your logline has me worried, as it's awkwardly worded and using "3" as opposed to "three" just doesn't look good.

Let's open her up and see how she looks inside.

I'm not a fan of a long V.O. coming from no one in particular that's playing over...hmmm...what's it playing over?

So, we start 20 years ago and within a few seconds of screen time, we've already had 2 SUPERS, 2 we's, followed by a "CUT TO BLACK", and then no fade back in?  Is the rest of the script all over black, or what?  I jest in a way, but IMO, it is important to get this easy stuff right, because we're only half way down Page 1, and I'm having red flags popping up everywhere.

Not only did you not properly FADE IN from your earlier CUT TO BLACK, but you have no Slug or scene header.  You've used "CLOSE UP" for some reason on a box, but that's not the a correct Slug - I have no idea where we are now that we're in present day.

Way too many transitions, which should be used sparingly in a Spec script - use them for a reason...don't overuse them, and watch out what you include on page 1, as it can easily be a read killer, as it is here.

OK, so here's something that will hopefully help going forward.  On the very top of Page 2, you have your first scene in the present day (well, actually it should be your 2nd, but you messed up with the first scene by trying to direct your shots and using CLOSE UP as opposed to just properly setting your scene and writing your action), but there are major problems here...

OK, so we're in a HALLWAY and it's EVENING, but we don't know what kind of building we're in - and we should - whether or not we would know while watching a filmed version - use your Slugs to best give info to your readers.  It's free and it doesn't even take any extra space.

There are more problems here, though.  You use "her" 3 times and "she" once in this new scene.  Since there aren't any other characters, it's obvious who you're referring to, but you don't want to get lazy in your writing and need to understand that when you start a new scene with a new Slug (especially if it's a new time, or time has passed), you have to properly set your scene and that includes being specific on who is in the scene.

OH BOY, and now we have our first aside here as well, and IMO, it's almost a complete read killer for me.

"There is not even a whisper in these hollow halls, her tense footsteps feeding the void." - This is very awkwardly written and really says nothing.  It reads like it came from a poorly written novel, not a screenplay.

Robin, the rest of this page is all so awkwardly written, I'm checking out.  Overly descriptive, too many shots being directed, just not working for me.  Sorry.

Hope this helps a bit, though and best of luck with this.

"There is not even a whisper in these hollow halls, her tense footsteps feeding the void."

What that says to me is that the halls are deathly quiet and her tense footsteps are the only sound that can be heard. Reads just fine to me.

I took a look and there are a lot of novice mistakes you will have to sort out... but a definite writer's voice at play so you should work on it.

Quoted from DustinBowcot "There is not even a whisper in these hollow halls, her tense footsteps feeding the void." What that says to me is that the halls are deathly quiet and her tense footsteps are the only sound that can be heard. Reads just fine to me. I took a look and there are a lot of novice mistakes you will have to sort out... but a definite writer's voice at play so you should work on it.

Dustin, not to get into an argument with you, but my point is that the line is awkwardly written and sounds much more at home in a not so well written novel.  It definitely does not read well as written.

I agree, he may be trying too hard. I see potential here though and I didn't want to discourage him... or her. Robin could be a girl I suppose.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I agree, he may be trying too hard. I see potential here though and I didn't want to discourage him... or her. Robin could be a girl I suppose.

Agreed completely.

My comments are merely my opinions and IMO, the first few pages...or actually, the very first page, is so important.  Just trying to help.