Ciggerouettes by Allen Wolf - Short, Comedy - Everybody wants something, but not everything wants somebody.  10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Allen,

Writing as I read it.

Strange title, has me intrigued but the logline doesn’t tell me what the story is about.

A quote by Satan? Nice, didn’t know he did quotes.

No description of STAZ. Is he/she your main character? If so we need to know at least something about he/she looks. Same with your other characters by the looks of it. TROUBADOUR and LEVYASHIN – I have no idea who is who when I’m reading the script.

A shitty notepad, is that a notepad covered in shit?

Lots of elipses in your dialogue, overused. Here’s an article on that - http://www.doctormyscript.com/2010/10/screenwritingmistake2ellipses.html

“There’s a bit of head shaking and stuff like that” – that’s not a great way to describe the action and I must admit I’m bailing at page 4. Sorry.

I suggest reading scripts, a lot of scripts. Read some ‘How to write screenplay books’ – I recommend “How Not to Write a Screenplay” and “What Lie did I tell?” There’s also loads of free basic tutorials on the interwebby thing. All can be found via your preferred search engine. Then try again. :-)

Mark

Didn't get the point in this story tbh. On page six it says 'TROUBADOUR lunges at STAZ,' - I think here 'Staz' is meant to be Levyashin.

May I ask what kind of names these are? They sound quite exotic to me. Not a bad thing at all, I'm just curious.

The ending left me perplexed. It didn't wrap things up or explain anything. Also, when Lilly says she "promised [her] heart to another" it just seems kind of strange seeing as how she's talking about someone she seems to have just met and all that's happened is an exchange of phone numbers. Hardly seems like promising one's heart to me.

I feel like I could give better feedback if I knew what it was you were trying to achieve with this piece.

There was a tone to this I kinda liked but it didn't really go anywhere that I could fathom.

I also found it unrealistic that they wouldn't challenge Staz when they first found him on the car, I expected this fear to be explained later but then it wasn't.

The name Levyashin put me off a little as it's an old Russian footballer - that's probably just me though!