Tom Cynova’s Review of:
“Noisy Neighbors”
By James D. Long
longjamesd@gmail.com
*What I enjoyed about the script:
- No sign of camera directions or directing the script, you let it run properly like a spec script should by focusing on the story
- The comedy timing, execution, and potential in this is wonderful in the first part (whether intentional or not)
- It’s based on a situation that could very well happen and achieves the experience of it well enough
*Personal notes, criticisms, and suggestions:
- Description doesn’t flow and it doesn’t read like a script. Information isn’t given in images or sounds, but instead straight description as if it was a book
- It’s very “stocky” meaning it doesn’t read smoothly
- The character’s name only needs to be introduced in full caps the first time, and then you can type his name in lowercase for the rest of the script unless their is another reason to capitalize his name again
- Generally you want to keep paragraphs to 4 lines or less. I always do 3 or less. Right now the first page is a “wall of text”
- Instead of constantly referring to the main character as “the MAN”, since he is the primary character of focus and the one we are experiencing the story through, you can simply refer to the man as “he” or ”him”. And referring to the character less would be even better. Focus more on what’s going on instead of establishing that it’s the same man who is experiencing this situation. We know we’re with him, so we don’t need to remind the reader of it again until another character joins that experience or we switch points of view
- Character dialogue in most cases is nearly centered and written as:
MAN NEXT DOOR
Yes!
- Try to tell as much as you can in as few words as possible, using images and sounds rather than sentences
- Instead of “this time with an angry expression“, you could rewrite that simply as “The man rises, angry.” Or something similar to that
- The slug lines should not be numbered unless it’s a shooting draft and the time of day generally doesn’t need to be in parentheses, at least not for the scene information you have here in this script
- The main character’s first line of dialogue isn’t necessarily needed as we can assume his thought upon lifting the bag and staring at it curiously, that he would be wondering about it
- When the main character throws the shoe, it should simply describe that vs “The MAN throws the woman’s shoe in his hand“. We already know the woman’s shoe is in his hand and can assume thats how he threw it
- Is there a reason not to give the man a name even if it’s not particularly referenced in the story? Even if had a name, it wouldn’t take away the feeling of him representing the average person in this situation if that was your intended purpose for not naming him
- Even at 1-2 pages, a script should have a beginning, middle, and an ending. This script has a strong beginning, and a surprising ending, but nothing happens in between to explore the experience or setup the character on the other side of the wall. We just get a hint, and then the payoff, but nothing to carry them in between. Even if you only use a single line of dialogue or description, I would give another action in between the timing of the first and second scene to round out and complete this story
- I feel it’s a great idea, what starts out as one thought becomes something far more unexpected and creepy, but it’s missing a big piece and the craft to be as good of a story and script as it could be
*My Overall Rating: 2/10 :(