The Shit Life of Eddie Maize by Raleigh Gambino - Short, Dark Comedy, Drama - A  man dies at a gas station on the toilet and his spirit cannot be free from the place until he saves another. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hello Raleigh,

You have a good technique of story building. Your crazy little piece of world, especially the characters within of course, entertained me a lot.

A good presented concept, not new, but interesting played. The characters are all fine developed and handled well; because of that I even go with the stupid decisions of Boon and Brett. There are a lot of fun elements. The combination of, positive said, goofy mood brought in by your characters and the "how everyone gets to the gas station-story" entertained me.

Concerning the characters I would suggest you to cut out Graham. I think there's no reason to show him.

There are two problems, one of them bigger than the other:
What is the exact point why Savanna can see Eddie after his heart attack?
The smaller point- The string with the guys ends open.

You got some format stuff wrong, not a big problem here.

I liked that you seem to keep your dialogue short. Your characters act. They move. And the dialogue helps invisible, because you use it sparsely. You take huge advantage of your method.

Most transitions are great.
A few of them not: The Ghost-Eddie hands Savanna the keys - Next scene: So, does she carry the ghost or the real dead body, the one from the toilet?


Finally: You're very humorous here. The comedy aspects worked 100% for me. Furthermore, the drama worked, too. There were some emotional moments you brought in successfully.

Maybe you lost your audience by the title; in the believe it's complete rubbish. For me, it's a shiny title for an internet short movie or sth. like that. I would recommend this easy entertainment story to others. Especially the story building is well handled except of the both points I mentioned above.  

If you would show up to discuss your script, there might be some more readers to give you some feedback as usual...