Love Locked by Anthony Cawood - Short, Thriller, Dark Thriller - Susie spots the very first 'love lock' attached to the bridge and becomes obsessed with finding out who put it there. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

For anyone thinking of reading... it's not a love story honest!!!

Anthony

Took a read of this, and here are my opinions.

I liked the formatting at some points, other points it got confusing and hard to read.

Story: I'm sorry but I have no love for this story, the characters Sam and Susie were two VERY un-likeable people. I hated everything they said, just felt forced and cheesy.

The whole thing didn't interest me I guess, some sort of serial killer flick that I most likely didn't understand. BUT it was unique, maybe make the characters more likeable, instead of being annoying teens. Good idea but I just didn't like the story or characters.

MY OPINION. I'm sure this works with some people, keep trying at it, mate! I'm definitely not a screen writing master myself haha.

Hi Nathan.

Thanks for taking the time to read the script, will look at thr formating to make sure the differing scenes and timelines are clearer.

Regarding the characters... well at least one of them is definitely not meant to be likeable ;-) He's written that way to juxtapose why she finds the love gesture so intriguing... and if I managed to make you think 'annoying teens' then it was close for what I was going for.

I'll be collating the feedback all together and using it for a next draft, so thanks again.

Happy to return the favour on one of yours at some point, none of us are masters yet, but this community can certainly help us all,

Thanks

Anthony

Hey Anthony.

You checked out my script so here to return the favor.

I agree with Nathan as far as your characters are concerned.  I know from your reply to his comment that you were aiming at a pair of annoying teens but that shouldn't suggest that they not be interesting.  I remember reading a piece of advice like:  a story can get by with a dull plot and interesting characters but never the other way around.  Annoying characters...sure but don't make them dull.

Sam clearly doesn't care about the locks but still gets dragged to them anyway.  The first time sure, the second time I can buy but I would think that he, being a d*ck, would simply dodge the trip all together.

I don't really think you need the supers to illustrate the passage of time.  A fresh message on a shiny padlock already suggests that the lock was fairly recent.  Susie also says that it's been the third on in a week or so.

I also didn't care much for the scenes where we saw the hands of the man making the padlocks.  Personal preference but things like that are better left up to mystery.  The scenes with the hands between Susie's trips are fine but not having them and her coming up on a second and third lock makes for a better flow IMO.  Hard to explain but the air of mystery surrounding it would be better if those little scenes were cut out.

"Stream of people becomes a trickle, then stops."  I don't know what this means.  You've used it twice so there must be a reason for this oddly constructed phrase.

I can see what Nathan means with the formatting.  The reason I think it's so hard to follow is because you're taking too much control on how you feel it should be shot.  It's tough but you need to have faith in whoever directs this thing as well as your reader.  If you feel that a particular shot or P.O.V. MUST be taken than go ahead and do it.  Otherwise, take it out.

I also recommend that you really utilize your sluglines.  Slugs are an awesome way of guiding your audience around so that we don't get lost.  Take for example the bridge scene.  There are quite a few places on a bridge that you could include such as:

EXT. BRIDGE - NORTH END - NIGHT
EXT. BRIDGE - CENTER - NIGHT
EXT. BRIDGE - DRIED RIVER BED - NIGHT

They can get a bit long but I'm sure that the reader will forgive you for the sake of clarity.

All in all I like the idea behind this one but I feel that you chose the wrong couple to follow.  A love struck teenager in this particular situation does well but all the banter and idle conversation swelled the read and diluted the impact that this story could have had.  Hoped this helped.  Take care.

-Johnny

Anthony,

I do think there’s something to the idea, though it’s not quite there for me yet execution wise.  There’s a decent sense of irony at play.  Susie seeing a certain romance in the ‘love locks’ when in fact they represent something far darker -- it’s a kind of ‘curiosity killed the cat’ outcome.

Can’t say I felt much for either character.  Both felt pretty flat through their dialogue exchanges.  Sam’s a useful stooge for Susie to sound out her intentions, but I’d think about ditching their relationship angle (which is a dead end) in favour of building her interest as to who is responsible for the padlocks.

Susie herself doesn’t come across so much as obsessed than just curious which makes her decision to stake out the bridge seem somewhat forced.

Writing wise there’s a few instances where your orphan lines could be avoided:

‘Male hands attach an everyday padlock to the railings of a
bridge.’

-- could be

‘Hands attach a padlock to the railings of a bridge.’

-- or even

Gnarled hands attach a padlock to a railing.

Look at every sentence with an orphan and figure out if you can re-write it.  

P.7 -- Not sure what (or who’s) POV we’re seeing here as you transition straight to a FAST FORWARD -- which I’d avoid using.  There’s better ways to present a passing of time and show Susie watching.

With a bit of work I think this could be an effective short -- a pretty simple one to film too.  I do like how the whole ‘love locks’ become a kind of local ‘thing’ totally obscuring what they really mean.

Hope this helps. Keep at it!

Steve.

Not sure what people are talking about with the likeable character thing. It tells a story. There doesn't have to be arcs or any of that stuff in a short.

Another decent short from you Anthony. Nice and easy to film aside from the cages large enough to fit a person. I'd just switch that out for a locked room. Maybe treat bits of the dialogue here and there but, to be honest, decent actors will read dialogue the way they believe it should be read anyway. Scripts are merely a blueprint.

Well done mate. I can see a student picking this one up.

Always good to get a few different perspectives, obviously think Dustin is right as always ;-)

John - good points re POV, and slugs will look to revise... not sure re Supers... had the opposite feedback from wonkavite who suggested they'd help establish the timeline... stream becoming a trickle - meant to signify that the flow of other pedestrians reduces, will have another look.

Steve - Good point re Susie's obsession, will take a look. Thanks for the pointers re Orphans, will review them some more. Re fast forward and time passing, will have another look - any specific ideas or thoughts about where you've ssen it done where elsewhere?

Dustin - Thanks for the comments, will re-consider the cage for something more pragmatic and re-read/review the dialogue too.

Again thanks to all for taking the time to read and comment - always appreciated.

Thanks

Anthony

I didn't mean for you to change it. For story purposes it works better as the cage.

Different people will have different takes on it. For all you know there may be somebody out there with access to cages large enough, and strong enough to hold a person. Maybe even an old jail somewhere. You never know what people can get access to.

Your story will be twisted around whatever the producer's limits are. Students are quite lucky as they usually have the backing of their university so can be surprising with what they pull off.

Still though, you're selling a story... and a cage is darker, more malicious than a locked room, so I'd keep the cages. Leave the producer to figure out the rest.

I hear ya about the establishing a time line through supers, Anthony.  The thing is that the way you have it written, it was easy to follow without the supers.  The dialogue, the condition of the paint on the locks, the timeline was easy to read.  I would use supers to establish time if precision was vital to the story and there wasn't an easy way to illustrate a specific time without blatantly stating it through some kind of exposition but just my opinion.  Good luck.

Thanks Dustin. John

I guess I'll leave both for now and see what (fingers crossed) develops.

Thanks again for the feedback.

Thanks

Anthony

Hi Anthony.
First of yours I've read, I think.

A few tech details to start. Ignore them if you so choose.

You don't seem overly fond of apostrophes. FYI:

'pain's unbearable' - insert apostrophe.
'other's waists'  apostrophe.

I get it fits with Susie's dialogue to follow - but enigmatic would tech. be fine without the 'look'.

'Padlocks being added' instead of 'been'

Your spacing between scenes appears a bit out i.e., between the scene ending: 'Soon they are out of sight' and between INT. SMALL WORKSHOP and EXT. BRIDGE, AFTERNOON - and I'd personally go for a dash instead of a comma for the latter heading.

Why the incomplete slugs? It's not like they're one location i.e., mini slugs. Doesn't read clean to me.

'Two don't make anything a thing' - I like this dialogue, speaks to character so well done there. And 'who prodded you with the sulky stick'

Contrary to some other opinions I think you've worked the two characters nicely. Sam's not a dick imh, he's a typical young guy with a bit of edge. He takes the walk with Susie over and over proving his dedication and the passionate kiss backs it up even if he is a little gauche. That's what guys like this are supposed to be. If characters are too vanilla they're boring.  Susie is the sweet, romantic, naive foil to Sam's character. I think you've done that nicely and would advise not changing it.

Oh dear, poor Susie.

Nice transition to nasty Anthony. I didn't see it coming. Takes a dark turn. I think I like it. :)

Libby

P.S. Just wanted to add something. Thinking about your script the padlocks, though quirky, could spell the end for your perp. considering they're solid evidence. I'd think of some other quirky trademark that couldn't easily lead to his downfall. Just a thought.

Oh, and all the talk about cages to fit people made me think of the novel Alex by Pierre Lemaitre. I know it's off topic a little, but it's one hell of a read and not for the faint of heart.

Hi Libby and many thanks for the read, much appreciated.

Punctuation and grammar - many thanks will go back over and pay more attention... my grammar is getting better but it's still not my natural strong point!

Spacing, will have a look, not sure if I've hit enter too frequently or CeltX has 'helped' with some additional... will tidy up.

Slugs - will improve these, I think I was chopping an changing stuff around and have some poor ones hanging around.

And thanks re characters, I thought i'd written them with enough authenticity but difficult to judge sometimes!

Glad you liked the dark turn, and didn't see it coming... re padlocks... well I wanted to pick up on the relatively recent phenomenon (and I'd just added my own padlock to a bridge in Venice) but I wanted to take it to a darker place... done straight romance recently.

Not heard of Alex - will have a look and thanks for the tip.

Again thanks for reading and the feedback

Anthony

Anthony,

you could show the passing of time during the stake-out a number of ways.  Something as simple as showing Susie watching people pass on the bridge in daylight to inserting a LATER followed by same thing only now no people pass and it’s grown dark.  Perhaps give her an activity -- using her phone in some way could allow you to sneak in the time.  That or food.  Show her with a full bag of ‘something’ cut to later and it’s empty.  World’s your oyster.

Not that it can't work as written.  I’d just keep it simple for clarity.

Steve.

Hi Anthony,

Personally I liked the script and how simple of a story it was.

I also like the character's who have created, the way they clash over this romantic gesture.

I personally hated Sam through this whole short, which of course was your angle here, but I obviously knew something was eventually going to happen to Susie but was kind of gutted when nothing happened to Sam.

Maybe a bit at the end where we see Sam looking at the padlock? Like the phrase "You don't what you had till you lost it" kinda thing.

But I for one liked it.

Hi Lee and many thanks for the read.

I could potentially add Sam coming back to look at the padlocks at the end... one to ponder on. Thanks for the suggestion.

Anthony

Hey Anthony - I think this is the first of yours that I've read? Nice idea here & it works well. Execution IMO is off.

They continue to walk, arms round each others waists - up the slope of the bridge.
They continue to walk, arms round each other's waists, up the slope of the bridge.

Susie spots the solitary padlock glinting in the sun.
-- This isn't really a 'script' sentence, as it's not visual:

A solitary padlock glints in the sun.
     SUSIE
   (pointing)
Hey, what’s that?
-- and your wrylie should really indicate the manner in which something is said if there is likely to be any confusion - Susie pointing is an action, so belongs in an action line.

Susie breaks away from Sam and goes for a closer look.
Susie squats and looks at the solitary padlock.
She gently tugs on it - locked.
--No need to repeat Susie on the second line, and the third line could just do with a conjunction, making two lines in total.

INT. SMALL WORKSHOP
-- quite a few of your slugs are here 'n' there:
INT. SMALL WORKSHOP - DAY (or NIGHT) does the job.

FAST FORWARD
--you use this a bit & I've not seen it before. If it is a fast-forward, you've formatted it as a transition, and it's a special effect, so needs re-doing accordingly.

So-- in total, script-wise, was a bit of a crash, but you seem to have a bit of an eye for a story which worked well - some nice twists in there, and I felt it was engaging -- no doubt it needs tweaking here and there, but it's certainly worth working on.

Hi Anthony,

I agree with Libby that you don't need to change your characters. Their age is right for the story (only a teenage girl e.g. would be so fascinated by this sort of mystery) and their tiffs and immature ways are "right" for their age. They also talk to and text each other like actual teenagers - good job with that (although the dialogue does fall a little flat at times).

One thing I'm not sure of is whether the man had known Susie before the fatal night. He did know her initials, right? Also, despite the dark, it is hard to believe that no one noticed him hitting and dragging her from the bridge. What if Susie had followed him to a more isolated spot before he attacked her?

Finally, I can accept that Susie was curious, but lovestruck? Not so sure about this. I doubt if a female of any age would find romantic a man who expessed his love for a different woman every week.  ;)

A nice and well-written script though, I enjoyed reading it.

Manolis

Quoted from Forgive Susie spots the solitary padlock glinting in the sun. -- This isn't really a 'script' sentence, as it's not visual: A solitary padlock glints in the sun.      SUSIE    (pointing) Hey, what’s that? -- and your wrylie should really indicate the manner in which something is said if there is likely to be any confusion - Susie pointing is an action, so belongs in an action line.

I think those two examples give different visuals entirely. The way Anthony has written it she spots the padlock before we see the padlock. So the camera shows her spot something (actors can do that) and then it cuts to the padlock.

The way you've written it, we see the padlock first and then Susie points at it.

Two completely different visuals.

Either way is fine, it's just a case of separating the visuals as these are separate shots, that's all.

SUSIE
   (pointing)
Hey, what’s that?

A solitary padlock glints in the sun.

Else the reference could be removed entirely, and just have her point, as they then move closer to the bridge & the padlock.

Quoted from Forgive Either way is fine, it's just a case of separating the visuals as these are separate shots, that's all.

Gotcha... sorry, mate. You're right.

Hey guys thanks for the extra reads.

Forgive - thanks for all the fomatting tips, still learning so these are really appreciated. Will have a scan bac through. Glad you liked the story overall though.

Athenian - Glad you liked the script, re did he know her initials already - no I figured she'd have a purse, credit cards etc. Re attacking on the bridge, I wanted it to be here to continue as the focal point of the script - and it's why I had the other pedestrians disappear over time.

Dustin/Forgive - Thanks, will re format that sequence.

Many thanks all.

Anthony

Anthony,

I don't believe that I have read any of your work before, so I wasn't sure what would greet me going into the read.

But I was pleasantly surprised. For the most part, I though this was a pretty decent little script, my friend. I thought the ending worked very well. Solid stuff.

Not sure if Sam is male or female? OK, he's a definitely male. The last two times I have seen a character named Sam in a script, they were female (damn script writers using unisex names). I think the main confusion for me came with their descriptions: SAM - "all hair, piercings and attitude" / SUSIE - "same age, more hair but less attitude." As you are directly comparing their appearances, I guess I just made the initial connection that their appearances were alike. My mistake!

Page 6- "Sam, why don’t you just fuck off and die!" - I would seriously consider scrapping this, because Susie is coming across as a really unlikeable person here. Not just that, but it was really over the top.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Not sure what people are talking about with the likeable character thing. It tells a story. There doesn't have to be arcs or any of that stuff in a short.

I agree 100%. Normally, when arcs are included in shorts, they feel super forced because you need a lot more than ten pages to really flesh out arcs satisfyingly. And who cares if the character is unlikeable or not? I sure as hell don't. As long as this choice is justified in terms of the story you are telling, that's fine by me.

However, I personally feel that the ending would have packed a far stronger punch if we truly liked Susie because we, as audience members, hate seeing bad things happen to the characters we like. When bad things happen to characters we feel indifferent about, our emotional response to this is one of indifference.

Page 7 - "Stream of people becomes a trickle, then stops." - No idea what is happening here...?

As I said at the start, I thought the ending worked well. However, I can't help thinking that it did not pack as much of an ironical punch as it could have. So how could you improve this aspect...? Hmmmm. Not really sure! Looks like I'm going to be one of those super annoying reviewers who identifies a weakness but doesn't really have a suggestion for an improvement! But Susie is convinced this is a romantic gesture; Sam isn't. Maybe you could ramp up these arguments a bit more... maybe Sam claims this is more of a creepy gesture. And Susie gets annoyed with him, wishing that he was as romantic as PC. Maybe when they have an argument, Susie says something like "I bet PC wouldn't treat his girlfriend like this." Just some ideas! But I feel something like this could further bolster the irony of the ending.

Also, does PC always get his victims on the bridge, or was this just an opportunity he could not refuse? I'm guessing it was the latter, because the padlocks started with - I presume - his first victim?

Anyway, solid stuff here, Anthony. It still needs some work to bring the idea up to its full potential, but good work nonetheless.

Toby.

Hey Toby - many thanks for the read and glad you liked.

Just f*** off and die - i'd seen as said in an exasperated/frustrated way but can see how this could be misconstrued.

Stream of people, I meant a steady stream of people crossing the bridge, slows to a trickle of people as it gets later into the night, before finally stopping leaving no one crossing the bridge. Will try re-word to make this clearer.

PC and his victims, intentionally enigmatic, viewer can read into it that he takes them on the bridge but I don;t think this needs to be spelled out.

Thanks for the great suggestions and again, really please it worked for you in the main.

Anthony

Hey Anthony,

Another solid entry from you. Well done. So you labeled this a thriller but the problem for me is that it doesn't really feel like one until we get towards the end of the story. I get the mystery behind the initials on the padlock but for the majority of the story it's about Susie coming off like a hopeless romantic. Not a bad way to go but the story itself lacks tension throughout. Adding little things here and there goes a long way. Maybe Sam can question why PC doesn't take down the old padlock if he's already moved on to the next girl? Or why does the guy choose to write in red every time? Or why does he place the padlocks here on the bridge? It's questions like that that could get the reader thinking something bad could be happening at the same time Susie is downplaying the situation by thinking the guy is being romantic. Just a thought.

Anyways, great job once again and best of luck on future projects!

- Dirk

That's the trick though... the viewer is meant to be lulled into a false belief that the padlocks are there for romantic purposes. That's good story-telling in my opinion.

Hi DV44 and thans for the read.

Dustin is right on this one, I want a twist that isn't too telegraphed, though I think there's some clues with the fact that the unseen man creates the padlock in a workshop with tools, hammer etc - i.e. not with the object of his affection as a shared experience.

But it could be amped up a bit depending on the directors needs with elements such as the one you suggest.

Many thanks

Anthony

Love Locked, has been bought by RWH Productions in the UK, they hope to film in the next couple of months. Look forward to seeing what they do with it!

That's so cool, Anthony! Congrats, Dude. Hope we get to see it soon.

~Zack~

Thanks Zack!

I enjoyed this one and felt like the dialogue worked really well.  The only part I was a bit confused about was at the end.

Was the SOUND OF MOVEMENT O.S. her escaping from the cage because he removed the lock? If so, did he assume she was dead ? Then why lock it? Or did he just think she wouldn't wake up? It's probably me misreading it as I am completely new to this.

Congratulations on the sale!
(edit: didn't realize this was from 2014 when I commented!)